The Ministry of General Mayhem

Highlights From Tonite's GOP / TMoGM Debate in Jacksonville, FL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2012-01-26T22:44:00.001-05:00

This evening saw the final debate ahead of Tuesday's GOP Florida Primary in Jacksonville. The debate marked one of many GOP-MAYHEM debates in which candidate for the American presidency and Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams was invited to debate Republican presidential candidates despite his non-membership in the party. Sources from each of the major media outlets that have featured the Grand Minister in their hosted debates (all but FOX News) have indicated that Adams' surging poll numbers, and more-so the ratings his participation brings, inspired the repeated invites.

"I'm always willing to discuss my surging poll..." the Grand Minister told reporters, looking utterly pleased with himself. "..........numbers!!!"

The Grand Minister, known for being intensely truculent with the media, surprised reporters by actually attending his scheduled pre-debate press conference, arriving sober (though he began drinking at the podium) and even agreeing to field questions concerning hot topics ranging from President Obama's State of the Union Address, Iranian nuclear paranoia and even disgraced/dead Penn State coach Joe Paterno.

"It won't affect the pederast case," the Grand Minister shrugged. "Plus, if the date is pushed off for a year, I think Sandusky stands a great chance of securing the GOP nomination."

Concerning Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer's recent criticism of President Obama as "thin-skinned" the Grand Minster replied:

"Whether the President's skin is thin or not, it's certainly too dark for Governor Brewer's liking."

When asked for his thoughts on the president's leadership over the past four years, however, the Grand Minister snorted almost an entire can's-worth of Modelo Especial in mid-sip.

"Well, I don't think anyone can answer that question because we can really only speculate on what Obama leading anything would be like, can't we?" Grand Minister Adams replied. "The Republican Party has very clearly been the leader of any and all domestic proceedings for the past four years, with the president and his party allowing them to continue leading us further down the road to oblivion, only breaking pattern for the unconstitutional assault on Libya so as to eventually raid their vast oil reserves."

The Grand Minister arrived unshaven to the debate, alongside Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Ron Paul, clad in sunglasses, a tie and a suit adorned with several hundred American Flag lapels. CNN's Wolf Blitzer moderated the debate and began with Grand Minister Adams.

"Grand Minister Adams I was wondering-"

"Yes, Wolf," GM Adams smiled. "I still hate you."

"...yes... I... assumed so," Blitz said. "But my question was concerning..."

"No one gives a fuck," the Grand Minister scoffed. "You're a fucking charlatan. You're a disgrace to your post, your country and your beard. I'll ask the questions tonite, bitch... Willard, let's start with you..."

"...uhhh..." Romney said.

"Daddy's not here anymore, is he?" Adams said. "You've got to be a big boy now. And releasing your tax returns was not the way to do it. That's called 'caving' or 'giving in' or 'being a punk ass.' No one needed to see that shit, but you sold out, didn't you??"

Romney looked into the crowd, facial muscles unmoved.

"Santorum..." Adams said. "...you're finished...and once you're out of this race, no one will remember you for anything other than... THIS!!!!"

Santorum looked into his podium as the Grand Minister brandished a diagram detailing The Great Dan Savage's description of a "santorum."

"Ron..." Adams said. "...you better keep the anti-war talk going because it's the only thing you're doing this country any favors on going forward..."

Paul nodded.

"And Newt..." Adams said, Gingrich turning to face the Grand Minister straight on. "... is this moon colonization shit for real??? I mean... can that shit actually happen???"

"My people are looking into it," Gingrich nodded. "What they're finding is incredible."

"Goddamn!" Adams replied. "Are you serious!?!?!?"

"An actual self-sustaining colony on the moon by 2020," Gingrich nodded.

"That's fucking incredible," Adams shook his head.

"It is," Gingrich nodded. "Fucking incredible."

"Wow," Adams said.

"Yep," Gingrich smiled.

After a brief pause Adams responded.

"It's good to know that when I'm president, and I find a way to throw you in prison, I won't have to share the same planet with your dumb ass," Adams smiled.

Gingrich's grin melted into a deathly glare, and he shuffled his notes without abandoning Adams' gaze. The Grand Minister then thanked the audience for attending and for "giving a shit about our broken down jalopy of a political system" before cuing Daft Punk's "Around the World" to be played over the speakers and exited the forum as a ravenous gang of Occupy Wall Street-affiliated furries flooded the stage and viciously dry-humped the shit out of the Grand Minister's republican opponents.

The Grand Minister continues to enjoy a 2 point lead ahead of President Obama and a 3 point lead ahead of GOP front-runner Mitt Romney in the latest polls. Tomorrow he will make a campaign stop in New Orleans before returning home to Brooklyn, NY for a confidential weekend-long meeting with Ministry Officials Attorney General Crooked Nate and Commissar of Weights and Measures Johnny Scapino. The Ministry-led sabotage of Jan Brewer's latest memoir continues to go viral.

- The Mayhem Ministry Press
The foremost source for radically leftist news bulletins since 1909

The Hammer Falls

2012-01-01T03:28:00.000-05:00

"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist. We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."

- Ike Eisenhower, Farewell Address, January 17th, 1961

"It is indeed difficult to conceive how men who have entirely given up the habit of self-government should succeed in making a proper choice of those by whom they are to be governed; and no one will ever believe that a liberal, wise, and energetic government can spring from the suffrages of a subservient people."

- Alexis de Tocqueville, De la démocratie en Amerique (1835-1840) Vol. II Sec. IV Ch. VI

"And I know that it sounds mundane.

But it's a stone cold shame.

How they got you tame,

And they got me tame."

- TV On the Radio

Oh great foulness unending!! Oh treasonous filth unspeakable!! What bestial abhorrence!! Betrayers most stained! Behold the supreme void by which all form is to be consumed! Behold the Fall of Man! The Senate is drunk with the blood of saints!! The House filled with the names of blasphemy!! With each passing year the siege of our destruction is spelled out to the letter within the annals of armageddon by the very hands of the elected. Their inkpot filled with the blood of the innocents by the horse-masters who tends stable for the harbingers of The Final Judgement. The Kings of All the World now lie with the United States Government, and she has revealed her true name to be Babylon the Great, Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth!! The enemy has surpassed the gates!! The homeland is the battlefield!! Woe to those who dwell in the Land of Obama.

Never trust a president. They've always got too much to lose. Never underestimate their capacity for treachery. Never belittle the threat of the fascists. Never trust a president. Not the one before, not the one after and not the one now. I never trusted him. Not for an instant, in fact. And how could I? As I knew I must be, I was roundly impervious to the romantic stylings of his gaggle of campaign wizards who, from 2006 through his heartwarming election day, orchestrated a fantastical dream-like campaign, rich with darling allegories to a national redemption story foretelling the gloriously transformative future that awaited us all, should this splendid protector assume the helm. Nothing but the default setting of any political campaign, but for the presidency that it sought to follow, the horrific condition of the economy and the more horrific condition of his challenger, all underscoring the message in so buoyant a fashion that it ascended to a level nothing short of divine prophecy. For the average American voter, whose political attention span ranged somewhere betwixt slightly alert, casual or unconscious, the portrait of our president as a liberal candidate, a bright candidate and a candidate who was, above all, nothing like Bush.

All of these people were wrong.

They were wrong.

For those incapable of degrading their awareness to such pathetic and paltry levels as these, a much more accurate portrait of the man was constructed than the one force fed to the nation by his quasi-liberal sycophantic apologists and the indifferent docile masses alike. It was made maddeningly abundantly clear that this administration, even prior to its initiation, was to be naught but an annexation of its predecessor; advancing the gradual deification of the corporatist apparatus, escalating its empirical stranglehold abroad and bolstering the center-right stasis to further accommodate the financial industry's dominion over all proceedings. Obama was to be nothing but the latest steward of our national downfall.

And while I never trusted Barack Obama, I preferred him a great deal more in the early days of his presidency, when he was simply a worthless waste, a child ruler, feigning exasperation over conservative blockage while making what he could for himself on the side. It was infinitely easier to accept the failed presidency of an incompetent statesmen, than it is to abide the out-and-out destructive force he's transformed himself into upon this New Year's Eve; a destructive force whose latest assault is far too egregious for me to discuss without easing into it bit by bit, crime by crime, as so.

The latest National Defense Authorization Act entitled H.R. 1540 contains the usual atrocity of appropriating hundreds of billions of dollars ($662 billion) to an over-sized imperial force that funds the empire's omnipresence across the globe while our people are forced from their homes. Our service persons are sacrificed to Middle Eastern deathtraps just to hold the line long enough for the generals to level the joint and let the contractors in to profit off the reconstruction effort. Departing Iraq is burning a big hole in Uncle Sam's pocket, so, really, thank god the Afghanistan effort was stepped up when it was.

"At a time when we have tripled defensespending since 1997 and spend more today on defense than the rest of the worldcombined, I get concerned that my deficit-hawk friends say we've got to cutSocial Security, Medicare, education, health care and other programs that helpworking families, but when it comes to defense spending the sky is the limit."

- Sen. Bernie Sanders, Dec. 15th 2011

While the thieving bastards' bounty is laughably "offset" by the bill's 40% limit on funds to the Pakistan Counterinsurgency Fund and new sanctions imposed on the Central Bank of Iran (not to mention an ultimatum for two-timing financial systems doing business both here and there), when it comes to the true atrocity of this year's model: it's really not about the money this time.

Within the pages of H.R. 1540 the jackals have finally, incontrovertibly, turned the guns on the rest of us. In a bill presented on the floor of the Senate by John McCain, a man increasingly dead-set on taking the nation down with him on his way out the door, and Carl Levin, the classic modern Democrat who wouldn't show up for a thumb war without twelve legions at his back, the two joined together as another sizable acre of the farm was sold away. After several weeks of minimal debate, with McCain barking down any opposition as submission and Levin invoking the President's power-grab, an easy volley from Senate to House and back to Senate saw the bill's passage of 86-13 on December 14th 2011. That date will be a day long remembered, as a bill whose first version passed the Senate 93-7 and the House 283-136 and went on to decisively set ablaze our Bill of Rights by invariably embracing the horrors of the Bush Era Orwellian leviathan and rendering several of its foretold appendages flesh.

Ultimately the NDAA for Fiscal Year 2012 will codify into sacred script the provisions that allow for the indefinite detention of Americans suspected of aiding America's adversaries in this eternal War on Terror. Through this bill, the designation of our entire nation as a battlefield in the past decade is solidified more explicitly than ever. Through this bill, the parameters for those that the president may target are expanded beyond those set down in the Authorization for Use of Military Force of 2001 to include those who "substantially supported" al Qaeda, the Taliban or "associated forces that are engaged in hostilities against the United States or its coalition partners." Through this bill, this president or the next or whichever, is made capable of criminalizing dissent and sending all suspects before a military tribunal or worse.

Too many of my brothers and sisters arrested throughout the fall have already felt the cold icy boot of indefinite detention upon their necks; plucked from the streets whilst engaged in demonstrations against a savagely defaced powerstructure that now fosters such barbaric legislation as this act. Allies would tell me of riding around in packed vans for hours before being deposited in a cold cell for days, sometimes an entire weekend or longer, waiting for a judge to crawl out of his Johnnie Walker long enough to come in and sign off on the case. Such abuses of our justice system, that continue to befall my neighbors on Wall Street, are nothing compared to what awaits us now.

"The discussion now to suspend certain rights of due process is especially worrisome since we are engaged in a war that appears to have no end. Rights given up now cannot be expected to return. So we do well to contemplate the diminishing of due process knowing full well that rights we give up now may never be restored."

- Sen. Rand Paul, November 29th, 2011

Allow me to abridge the usual libertarian disclaimer that accompanies any mention of the Paul clan and their followers, by simply stating that my enemy's enemy is my friend on this one. You can always count on the libertarians to show up for a row like this and Paul delivers one of his typical history lessons to a Congress, unfortunately, in dire need. By citing Lincoln's Civil War era suspension of habeas corpus, Paul inadvertently shines a light on the irony of a president who gave us one of the most impassioned warnings against casting away our civil liberties with his Lyceum Address and was in turn responsible for dealing them one of their most egregious violations. With two weeks until his 29th birthday, Lincoln's speech before the Young Men's Lyceum of Springfield, Illinois asserted the belief that America's true downfall would not come from outside attacks, but by implosion:

"At what point then is the approach of danger to be expected? Ianswer, if it ever reach us, it must spring up amongst us. Itcannot come from abroad. If destruction be our lot, we mustourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, wemust live through all time, or die by suicide."

That gun is now loaded. It's in our nation's hand. The barrel is digging into our collective temple. With the passage of the 2012 NDAA, all activist groups will automatically make the shitlist. Not the list they were already on. It's common knowledge that the FBI already keeps terror-watch tabs on everything from Greepeace to PETA. Now we have yet another reminder that it's more dangerous to be an activist than it's been in over 50 years. But there will be plenty of room in the cell for the disengaged as well, who go about their business and quietly love their country and scream for their neighbors to defend them when the State Dept. drags them from their homes. Soon we will all feel the same day to day scrutiny put upon the American Muslims, who have spent a decade as lightning rods for a nation's paranoia. The same palpable fear that is felt at security checkpoints in airports the nation over, increasingly crippling us through every text message we send, every phone call we make: The Fear of saying something a little off, something a little un-American, something our great overseers decide lends aid to The Enemy.

"No one man can terrorize a whole nation unless we are all his accomplices."

- Edward R. Murrow, in a speech to his staff, March 9th, 1954

It has been said that when the day arrives when all but our last remaining civil liberties have been sold away and they finally seek to embed us all with internal tracking devices, that they will not have to hunt us down with Academi mercs or scour their camera networks to pin us down and force it upon us: they say that lines will form. That we will demand that such a device be administered, all in the name of our safety, handed down from our paternal god-king authority. Safety, they call it. And I ask, who is the one to decide that for which I should not risk my life, when he is the same one who takes away that for which I would give it? And yet we continue to support this dystopian future along with its very architects; applauding them, endorsing them, loving them. But regardless of who pulls the hammer back, we must remember who put the gun in our hand and sat back and waited for us to pull the trigger.

We must not believe for one moment the impassioned assertions and lengthy signing statements coming from this administration insisting that this bill changes nothing. This president knows the law and the constitution and knows how this game is played. It's not about what the text requires him, or any other president, to do. It's about what it's broad enough to allow them to do. Obama tasted blood with the bin Laden assassination. He liked the way that felt. And while he claims to have only passed this temptation of unholy fire to the next president, vowing not to utilize this great power of indefinite detention of his opponents throughout his remaining time in office, never forget that his signing statement is in no way legally binding and that this promise comes from a man who killed an American citizen on foreign soil.

While I maintain that he was poisoned from the start, his tale may very well be painted as the epic tragedy of the man who assumed the tyrant's throne with the intent of ruling as the good king, as the bright new son of a peaceful nation, who would deliver it to the days of glory. He would rule in accordance with the ancient texts and not seek power outside his designated bounds. Though sure enough, somewhere along the way, he faltered, and the insatiable lust for power consumed the good king, as it had all crowns prior, and the monarch strove less and less to conceal the ravenous beast within. Until one dawn his people awoke in a wasteland shadow of their nation's former splendor and the king at last relinquished the throne to the soulless ghosts of consumption that hover over all nations, profiting with no allegiance, operating without law, obeying only the relentless command of excess as do all those whose hearts dwell in the Shrine of Moloch.

Prepare yourselves. Prepare yourselves now. For this is the penultimate chapter of our nation's true narrative. The epic poem of our beloved country is not now nor has it ever been written in the latest vacuous GOP debate or the president's latest preposterous bus tour stop or a wasteful White House honor service for the Dallas Mavericks. The true divine verses are inscribed through the bloody faces of the LA anarchists, the feet that carry fearful Muslims to the mosque, the fingers that create a nationwide boycott in mere days and the eyes that look upon the truth that once seen is never unknown again. We must all hold this quill now in order to write this most essential chapter or be doomed to suffer an eternity of its demonic fascist transformation, which not only writes us out of all pages to come but tears out and burns all chapters preceding.

-

Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
Irving Bastion, Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY
January the 1st 2011
1:28 AM EST

Midnight for Occupy Philly

2011-11-15T21:00:00.001-05:00

It’s raining in Philadelphia and as I write this a small butconstant collective of its residents will see shelter in the shadows of CityHall plaza. Some will retire to store-bought tents and warm pairs of socks.Others will seek shelter under tarps and makeshift lean-tos. Even more willsimply huddle together in wet sleeping bags, wet body pressing against wet bodyin an effort to keep the blood warm.

All of them will, at some point, look at the cold Novembersky and consider their options in the coming days. Occupy Philly is facing itsbiggest crisis yet and its members will have to decide if they are peoplestanding up for vague beliefs or part of a larger perpetual motion machineaimed at saving the shrinking middle class and holding on to the ever-swellingliving poor before even more people drop between the cracks.

It is nighttime for Occupy Philadelphia and there is no tellwhen, or even if, the sun will rise.

The facts are these: on Sunday, November 13, Philadelphiamayor Michael Nutter, a Democratic incumbent voted into his second term inoffice without anything resembling reasonable opposition, held a pressconference addressing the issues at Dilworth Plaza and West City Hall,otherwise known as the location of Occupy Philly.

His words, while measured, were clear; his message, obvious:Occupy Philly must go.

From the mayor’s press conference:

“Occupy Philly has changed, so we must change ourrelationship with them. Things have changed. We’re seeing serious health andsafety issues playing out on almost a daily basis. Occupy Philly is fracturedwith internal disagreement and disputes. The people of Occupy Philly have alsochanged and their intentions have changed … and all of this is not good forPhiladelphia.”

“When I met with representatives of Occupy Philly onWednesday Oct. 5 in my office, I made it clear to them: that the City would infact protect their free speech rights and that we wanted to cooperate withthem, but I also said that the life of the City must go on: it is our daily businessthat must be conducted and not be impeded.”

“… I pointed out to them that day that there is a major project planned forDilworth Plaza, that it’s been in works for a number of years now – a $50million remake of Dilworth Plaza into an open, green, vibrant space … built bythe 99 percent for the 99 percent. And they told me that they would be peaceful, that they would not bedisruptive, that they would obey the laws of the City of Philadelphia and thatthey would communicate with us regularly and they only wished to express theirfree speech rights.”

“Friday night, the Occupy Philly general assembly votedagainst moving from Dilworth Plaza: Occupy Philly is now purposely standing inthe way of a nearly 1,000 jobs for Philadelphians at a time of high unemployment.They are blocking Philadelphians from taking care of their families.”

Since the mayor’s press conference, members from OccupyPhilly have told the media that they would be willing to relocate, but that themayor’s office had been “vague and general” about where the protest wouldrelocate to. Several more vocal members have told local outlets that they wouldnot be moved. “No man has the right to tell another man where to go,” aprotestor said.

Since the mayor’s announcement, police presence has beenincreased near the protest site.

And so, after beginning with a small shanty town consistingof less than 40 college undergraduates on October 6, only to grow into a smallcity-within-a-city with its own citizens, mixing socio-economic backgrounds butsharing their cause, Occupy Philly faces its first true moment.

The protestors are faced with a difficult proposition. Theyare going against a recently reelected mayor kicking off the beginning of hissecond term, a man looking to create construction jobs and green space in acity that is low on both. The protestors are facing a man with swagger andvision at a time when the Occupy movement has moved out of the news cycle and,sadly, out of the minds of many of those gadflies who originally stopped towatch and aid their bray to the cacophony.

At a time when Occupy WallStreet was nearly toppled, OccupyPhilly is going to have to stand or fold and it will do so alone: as global asthe movement has become, what city could lend its hand to the City of BrotherlyLove? What could they do?

If what the mayor says is true: if this project will trulybring 1,000 construction jobs tothe city, if the health concerns are such that disease is a real issue andhuman life is truly in question, if these protestors are standing in the way ofthe 99 percent, then movement should be considered.

However, if the movement jumps without fighting, if themasterminds who are currently trying to keep themselves warm in the Atlanticcoast rain surrender what ground they have now, this will be the end of OccupyPhilly.

There is a way to solve this. There is a chance for bothgovernment and protesters to work together for the greater good of the city. Ipray that all those involved are smart enough and strong enough to act onbehalf of Philadelphia. I hope that the protestors do not back down withouttaking Nutter for a ride. I hope that Nutter gets a peaceful evacuation andgets his project off the ground, if it is as beneficial as advertised. There isa way to solve this, but I cannot see it. I can only hope the angels of ourbetter nature hold sway in the coming days.

Regardless of what happens, Occupy Philly will face itsgreatest challenge yet in the coming days. Regardless of the outcome, themovement in Philadelphia will not be the same.

Crooked Nate Adams
Attorney General for the Bureau of
Tobacco, Alcohol, Firearms, Explosvies & Penguins
Philadelphia, PA

November the 15th 2011
7:19 PM EST

Occupy Forever

2011-11-15T03:26:00.000-05:00

"The limitation of tyrants is the endurance of those they oppose."

- Frederick Douglass

First and foremost, I wish to make it abundantly clear that this is not a eulogy. In fact, it's as far from one as could be. Despite what you've heard by now, nothing has died, nothing has ended. It would be absurd to even consider the possibility that this one act of aggression by the mayor and the mercenaries of the banking industry could conclude, let alone stifle, the momentum of this movement. If anything, let this transmission be considered a birth announcement, or more aptly a re-birth announcement, for a new one is at hand.

As I watch the feeds coming in from Liberty Square, and listen to the cries of defiance from my allies ricocheting against the smaller cries of the bankers relayed through their hired white shirt lapdogs in the NYPD, there is an undeniable horror and revulsion the grips me at the sight of the grotesque scene. As mountains are built of the debris of the living spaces of my comrades and countless laptops and video equipment are destroyed before their eyes; the mayor's brute squad cackles at the sidelines, well-pleased with the mindless destruction they've wrought. They see no violent reprisal from the Occupiers, as this is a movement based upon a core peaceful resolve that the uniformed carrion crows of repression would never even consider, while indeed exploiting this self-applied handicap to the Occupation's battle strategy, beating our people bloody whenever those holding their leash call them to do so, never understanding how our refusal to fight makes us win over and over again.

And that horror we all feel, as we see the scenario that played out in our minds since the day the park was taken, since the day it became Liberty Square, yields to the horror that brought us there in the first place and persisted throughout as well as now: our city remains overrun with crooked cops, the cannibal regime of corporation still runs the show, the leaders of American homegrown terrorism within the banking system remain at large and the mayor who bought himself an extra term still wields illegitimate power over it all and the Wall Street capitalist marauders continue.

The freedom from that fear comes, as it always does, in knowing that we will continue as well.

On the late night into early morning of October 14th, as I laid in Liberty Square, cold rain dripping off the flaps of the cardboard box hanging above my face and my body frigid and shaking beneath the blue tarp that was my blanket, I stared straight up passed the trees to the monstrous imposing skyscrapers and above to the mist that gathered at their midsection and blocked the stars from view. I listened to the moonlight sonanta of the agitators. I heard cries go up every now and again, as I lied their in wait for the big cry of the masses which would herald the arrival of our adversary. It was upon that day that we were alerted to the impending attack that was planned for that morning, but would not finally come to be launched against us until now. I looked up to that sky and listened to the sounds around me and felt a crushing pain envelope my body as I wondered if this phenomenon that had captivated my imagination for an entire lifetime prior to its occurrence was coming to a close, as I wondered "is this really the end?"

All over the park that nite so many had seemed to have resigned themselves to the idea that it would be their last nite ever spent in the park. Various information stations educated the crowds on what the experience of being arrested would entail, which at that time was very much a reality for anyone who stayed into the morning. They wondered what would happen to this national and international movement if the flagship demonstration on Occupy Wall Street was eliminated. They wondered if it would all fall away, lost in time. When the morning came around and the line of riot cops bordered the park, we held fast, we stood strong and by the strength of our numbers, as the cavalry of hundreds upon hundreds suddenly appeared, rather than by violent opposition, we beat them that day and scored one of the most vital victories for this movement thus far.

And now, one month later, as we watch the fate unfold that ran through our nightmares throughout this entire Occupation, we find ourselves both one month older and wiser. Old and wise enough in this struggle to know that all those fears of an end and of the movement entire hinging on a single strategic placement and that the ones we stand against have the power to halt us in doing so, are all nothing more now than what they always were.

Illusion.

The fact remains that another group of Americans have lost their home. The foreclosure was executed by a mayor, one of the seediest foul little hustlers to ever pervert the realm of public service since the day he slithered into our mayoral office. But even this latest foreclosure is not an absolute. The question at the moment is not if, but where this NYC Occupation will find its new home. Many will soon re-enter Liberty Square once the forced clean-up is completed, though the new anti-Occupation regulations that Brookfield Properties have attempted to enact since Day One have now been put into effect (no sleeping bags, no tents, no anything essential to long-term occupation). Currently Foley Square is filling up for an initial general assembly before sunrise and as of now the parks at 6th and Canal have been selected for the official Post-Raid General Assembly.

We must cling now more than ever to those deep incomparable overwhelming feelings of affection we felt throughout our time in Liberty Square, whether that time was every day for two months or just over two hours. The persistent twinges of fury and hatred we surely all feel now will not be enough to sustain us upon the journey ahead. We must cling ever-tightly to the warmth that grew deep within our chests when our shivering bodies were covered by the spare cloth of a neighbor. We must remember that our cause is not only one of dismantling the human-made machinations of our destruction, but also a radical reformation of this nation's hearts and minds.

I know Thursday's rally is still on.

I know the Occupation of NYC will continue.

I remain, steadfastly, unwaveringly, entirely yours, one more amongst the Occupiers.

-

Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
The Ministry
November the 15th 2011
3:26 AM EST

Mayhem 2012 Campaign UPDATE!!!/Famed Anarchist Johnny Scapino Named Commissar of Weights and Measures!!!/Kim Kardashian DIVORCES!!! Grand Minister Blamed!!!/Smash The Ministry Switches Gears!!!

2011-11-10T19:22:00.000-05:00

It was a proud day for Mayhem and devout anarchists the world over on Thursday as Famed Anarchist Johnny Scapino, an invaluable ally of The Ministry for years, was officially inducted into The Ministry of General Mayhem and adorned the eminent and prestigious title of Ministry Commissar of Weights and Measures!!!

The grand induction ceremony was conducted in Rochester, New York with the glorious city's skyline in full view. Clad in festive celebratory robes, Grand Minister Adams and Scapino embraced on stage as the announcement was made to all ceremony attendees, uttering their ancient mantra of "warm and cozy... cozy and... warrrrrrrrrrrmmm!!!" It was then that all rights and privileges of overseeing the Weights and Measures Contingent of The Ministry were truly entrusted to Scapino.

Attorney General for the Bureau of Tobacco, Alcohol, Firearms, Explosives & Penguins, Crooked Nate was in attendance at the ceremony. Scapino served as a brigadier general under Crooked Nate in South Africa during The Giant Crab Wars of '10. Crooked Nate of course led Ministry forces to victory against the crustacean menace and cited Scapino as a vital component of his winning battle strategy.

"I really enjoyed the robes," the Att'y Gen. said after the ceremony. "I was also pleased to see Johnny given this appointment. He served The Ministry well in the wars and supplied some indispensable intel on the surrounding townships that proved significant to our overall goals."

The afterparty was hosted by John Lithgow, one of Rochester's most beloved sons and lasted long into the early hours of two days later, with musical entertainment provided by They Might Be Giants who opened with "Can't Keep Johnny Down."

The Weights and Measures ceremony supplied the Grand Minister with a brief reprieve from a rigorously demanding campaign schedule which he has been on since late July when his candidacy for the presidency of the Unite States was formally announced.

Also breaking up the Grand Minister's usual schedule of campaign stops across the country, hobnobbings with high-profile leftists and lengthy meetings with his campaign advisers, has been his stays at Occupy Wall Street in Liberty Square.

While the OWS movement is one of obvious significance to the ever-ongoing worldwide Mayhem crusade of unending revolution, and even more obvious personal significance to the Grand Minister for General Mayhem, several campaign aides to the Grand Minister have indicated to the Mayhem Ministry Press that the Grand Minister may be consulting members of the Occupy Movement to aid him in crafting his campaign platform. Those close to the Grand Minister have cited the Occupy Movement as revitalizing Adams spirit and the spirit of The Ministry of General Mayhem in the process.

The leading anti-Ministry website on the web, Andrew Breitbart presents BIG Mayhem has been uncharacteristically silent despite major developments in the Mayhem 2012 campaign in recent weeks. It has been several weeks since their last disparaging article against The Ministry. Insiders are hinting that this is most likely an indication that they are merely refocusing their efforts. No word yet on what this new strategy will be, save one report promising it to be "unlike anything seen before at the ever-expanding intersection of dirty politics and fake reporting."

This week's People magazine cover story is an outrageous indictment of Grand Minister Adams and his many-times flame and recent divorcee Kim Kardashian. The article, which finds its one source in a rejected wedding cake artisan, alleges that Kardashian and Adams used her wedding to a basketball player as a mere front to garner funds for various leftist causes and socialist movements.

The Ministry of General Mayhem issued a statement regarding the scandal this afternoon:

"Holy fuck, we hope this is true."

While this report has raised the unbridled ire of conservatives, the response from the general public has been naught but an overwhelming resurgence of inquiry into the pair's relationship status. For our part, we at the Mayhem Ministry Press couldn't be more PLEASED!!!!!!

The Mayhem 2012 Campaign hits the road again tomorrow and we in the MMP are QUITE delighted to make the exclusive announcement HERE and NOW that Presidential Candidate and Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams will be participating in the next GOP Primary Debate in Spartanburg, SC this Saturday Nite!!! We here at the MMP are certain that the Grand Minister's participation in the debate, as a candidate running on the Mayhem ticket, will bring a much-needed flair and panache that has been sorely lacking from the wanting, pitiful, abysmal, slack-jawed, bow-legged, out-and-out fuckery the American public has been subjected to thus far in the debates.

Be sure to tune-in RIGHT HERE at The Ministry of General Mayhem at 7:30 pm for the Pre-Game show!!! It's gonna be one helluva nite!!!

- The Mayhem Ministry Press
The foremost source for radically leftist news bulletins since 1909

The Uganda Affair - PART II

2011-10-29T01:43:00.002-04:00

THE
UGANDA AFFAIR
COMMISSION
REPORT

2

THE GIANT CRAB WARS

"...Our present relationship has, we believe, resulted in some very substantial changes: the very fact that now the blacks have ability -- being in labor unions or even having their own labor unions; the fact they can buy property in the heretofore white areas; that they can own businesses in some 40 white-dominated business districts. They have eliminated the segregation that we once had in our own country -- the type of thing where hotels and restaurants and places of entertainment and so forth were segregated -- that has all been eliminated."

- Ronald Reagan, August 24th 1985

South Africa was in the depths of apartheid when President Reagan gave its government the glowing acclamation above. Not only were his assertions roundly untrue, but they reflect the tenacity with which an American president remained unwaveringly determined to support one of the most vile, bigoted and destructive regimes in history.

Colonized in the mid-17th century with the founding of Cape Town, the land that would become the Republic of South Africa was beset by slavery, war, uprisings, repression, over a remarkable history of struggle that would galvanize one of the most inspiring people's movements in history and come to define the African continent for the rest of the modern world.

The original colonists took control via Cape Town at the behest of the Dutch East India Company, using the township as a way station in the transport of slaves from the East. In addition to the Dutch, the occupying peoples were primarily Flemish, German and French settlers who would eventually come to comprise the original occupier class known as the Boers.

Following an invasion from the French and a declaration of bankruptcy by the Dutch East India Company, the British took control of Cape Town in the first decade of the 19th century. Battles with the native Xhosa and Zulu people raged throughout the 1800s as the tribes fought unsuccessfully to take back control of their land. Many of the land's original colonists, the Boers, departed the Cape Town Colony to escape British rule and founded two new republics further inland: the South African Republic and the Orange Free State. The discovery of rich gold and diamond deposits in these new republics initiated the Boer Wars, as the British fought to expand their grip of South Africa and utilizing one of the earliest implementations of the concentration camp on the Boer people. With the British victory that concluded the Second Boer War, the empire took control of the Boer Republics in 1902.

The first half of the 20th century would see a gradual ease of England's grip upon the South African Union and as relations improved between the British and the Afrikaners, as the Boers had come to be known, the repression of black South Africans and Asians only intensified.

While segregation had been firmly in place ever since the abolition of slavery in England's colonies, the apartheid government of South Africa commenced with the National Party's rise to power in the election of 1948. What would follow would be an era of legally institutionalized segregation forced upon the native inhabitants of a land by a government of second-hand occupiers comprising a white minority regime who had no more right to rule than the British Empire that had granted it independence.

Under apartheid the black South Africans were restricted to inferior public services to those of the white ruling elite, including medical care, education and overall standard of living. Repression was rampant as resistance groups and civilians alike faced horrific atrocities from police and the government.

In August of 1962, two years after the Sharpeville Massacre in which police gunned down 69 protesters, a charismatic anti-apartheid leader named Nelson Mandela was arrested by government security forces thanks to a tip-off from the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency. Mandela had been the leader of the armed wing of the African National Congress where he coordinated sabotage campaigns against military and government targets. Mandela was found guilty of sabotage and treason and sentenced to life imprisonment in 1964.

Under Botha's rulership South Africa would see the murders of thousands of at the hands of police and the military as well as the imprisonment of tens of thousands during various government declarations of a "state of emergency." Throughout the 1980s Botha would, in pure desperation, impose minor reforms to the apartheid government in answer to increased outside pressure. As international opposition to the apartheid government and support for Mandela grew from beyond his prison cell walls, Botha had found one unfailingly steadfast friend in Ronald Reagan. Reagan cherished South Africa as a vital strategic ally against the Soviets and made it abundantly clear that there was no atrocity the apartheid government could committ, no matter how egregiously heinous, that would deter him from that course.

Outrageously declaring Botha's regime a "reformist administration," Reagan supported a policy of "constructive engagement" with South Africa, opposing all calls to impose sanctions on the fascist government and continuing to flow aid to the white minority regime. It was during this time that Reagan declared Mandela and the ANC to be Marxist terrorists and stood by the government even as Botha declared that "one man, one vote" would never work in South Africa. In late 1984, shortly following Reagan's landslide election, Archbishop Desmond Tutu came to speak on Capitol Hill upon winning the Nobel Peace Prize for his nonviolent resistance efforts in South Africa. During his speech, Tutu shocked the nation and world declaring that not only was the apartheid government "evil, immoral and un-Christian, without remainder," but that the Reagan administration's response to it was the same.

"In my view, the Reagan administration's support and collaboration with it is equally immoral, evil, and totally un-Christian. . . . You are either for or against apartheid and not by rhetoric. You are either in favor of evil or you are in favor of good. You are either on the side of the oppressed or on the side of the oppressor. You can't be neutral."

In 1986 Congress voted overwhelmingly in support of imposing sanctions on South Africa. In an incredible display, an incensed Reagan vetoed Congress' vote, but the Senate vote was strong enough to override the veto. America, along with the U.K., began sanctions, but Reagan made sure they were as weak as possible.

2.1 The Botha-Reagan Crustacean Appropriation

With increasing unrest and worldwide condemnation of the apartheid regime growing, Botha summoned Reagan in desperation to a secret meeting in the summer of 1986 to address their shared fears of the apartheid government being dissolved and power going to the majority. This led to the Botha-Reagan Crustacean Appropriation...or the BRCA... or the Crustaceans Reagan Appropriated to Botha... or the CRAB.

The CRAB was a confidential emergency measure granted to Botha which would utilize advanced nuclear mutagenic technology to ensure that apartheid would continue even if it became impossible for Botha, his regime, or any human to maintain it.

The 1st phase of the CRAB involved a covert submarine operation by the U.S. Navy, depositing a massive flock of coconut crabs 1000s of feet below sea level inside an underwater grotto at the base of the western South African coast.

The 2nd phase of the CRAB was lining the cave with nuclear mutagens which, when activated, would manipulate the cell structures of the coconut crabs causing them to expand to anywhere from 10 to 20x their natural size. As the nuclear radiated gigantic crabs moved inward, the certain desolation they would lay upon the populace would ensure the continued reign of the apartheid regime, which would be granted a counterbalance to the crabs, which could disable them after they'd served their purpose. This countermeasure was also kept strictly confidential.

The CRAB installation operation was successfully carried out in the spring of '88. All that was required to activate the implanted mutagens were the correct nuclear codes which were known only by the scientist who secured them and Reagan himself. Reagan withheld these codes from Botha, promising to provide them when and if an end to apartheid became truly imminent. The identity of the scientist, and these details of the project, remained unknown as well.

Unfortunately for Botha, Reagan's alliance with Mikhail Gorbachev, then head of state of the Soviet Union, made Botha's friendship superfluous in Reagan's quest to disband the U.S.S.R. Reagan and Gorbachev would go on to end the Cold War and Botha would have a career-ending stroke and fall into obscurity. In the months following the fall of the Berlin Wall, anti-apartheid groups in South Africa were legalized, Mandela and the political prisoners were released and the apartheid regime was gradually dismantled.

On April 27th 1994, after centuries upon centuries of struggle and strife, South Africa held its first racially inclusive democratic elections with Nelson Mandela becoming the nation's first black president and the nightmare of apartheid was over.

Only the crabs remained...

2.2 Weekend @ Rimet's

In mid-February of 2010, The Ministry's new Attorney General for the Bureau of Tobacco, Alcohol, Firearms, Explosives and Penguins dashed through The Ministry's hallowed halls in a mad panic, radically deviating from the usual composed demeanor he exhibited for his fellow Ministers and Mayhem constituents as they toiled in solidarity for The Cause. Att'y Gen. Crooked Nate, having just gotten off the phone with The Ministry's South African consulate, harbored news so wildly astounding that it would alter the course of The Ministry of General Mayhem forever.

As he hustled along, urgently, pushing his way past the likes of Arab revolutionaries, feminist organizers, Canadian anarchists and hemp-dressed eco-warriors crowding the halls, his mind was centered squarely upon the horrific, unfathomable news he had just heard. And as he reached the high high steps of the Left Wing Tower and swung wide the door to The Grand Minister's chamber, the horror he'd heard was momentarily superseded by the horror he saw.

"No one should have to see one of their relatives like that," Crooked Nate said. "No one should have to see...anyone... like that..."

Though he refused to go into detail for this report, having spent a full 48 hours soon after the incident in intensive memory-erasing therapy with Dr. Elkan Reskew as well as ingesting a hefty dosage of propranolol, the Attorney General describes that moment, when he entered unannounced into the private chamber of his cousin The Grand Minister, as the moment when a critical portion of his soul was forever compromised, when he looked upon the highest high peaks of wanton excess and the dankest, murkiest depths of unrepentant depravity. On that day, he saw true horror.

"There were... atrocities...unspeakable," Crooked Nate trails off. "I saw... I saw motorbutting..."

Recordings of Crooked Nate's sessions with Dr. Reskew describe the Grand Minister making gleeful declarations to all revelers inside his chamber such as "everybody shut the fuck UP!!" Making curious threats like "you want me to cancel your FUCKING CREDIT!?!?!?!" and making confoundedly impossible threats like "You want me drive this fucking party off a FUCKING CLIFF!?!?!?!?" Only to follow all outbursts with "OHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

A Ministry artist's rendering of the revolting scene, based on Dr. Reskew's tapes of the sessions, depict the incident as so:

"It was awful," the Att'y General said. "I will never NOT knock on that door again."

* * *

Once all occupants of the chamber had departed and the Grand Minister had partially dressed himself and the Att'y General had partially regained temporary control of his senses, the cousins sat down to discuss the new word from South Africa.

"Crabs," the Att'y Gen. said. "The new word was: 'CRABS!!!!!'"

A Meeting of the Ministers was immediately called to fruition and 2 days later assembled, as the entire Ministry High Command, of Grand Minister Adams, Att'y Gen. Crooked Nate, Surgeon Gen. Dr. Elkan Reskew, Sec. Gen. Colum O'Connolly, as well as one entrusted recorder of the minutes, were assembled in The Grand Chat Room to discuss the dire situation in South Africa.

Crooked Nate's report to the gathered ministers, his first ever in his capacity as Att'y Gen., was decidedly succinct, focused and free of all unnecessarily complex ministerial jargon:

"Where's our fucking super-power, nightmarish military when you goddamn need it? Forget the Chinese, the Koreans, the brown people, DROP EVERYTHING! Get the fucking Navy in here! The enemy is coming from the sea and, like its primordial ancestors, wants to take the very fucking LAND from beneath our feet! THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE.

You want health care reform? No one will be safe until this fucker and his ilk are murdered off the face of the earth! You want family values and marriage rights? You think this thing gives a flying shit about your sexual orientation? Gay, straight, bi, aesexual, horse fucker, WHAT THE FUCK EVER you are, this thing dreams of murdering you. Protecting our borders? Fucking right, but not from Mexicans looking to do the shit work you wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole, from the ocean's MONSTER CRABS!

Listen, People. We can get together on this. Yes we can, kill the giant crabs."

The Ministers were left dumbfounded for a moment. At first, they believed what they'd heard had simply been the stuff of brilliant political theatre; an absurdist commentary on the petty partisan Washington infighting in the face of certain economic and ecological destruction. But Nate's face was grave, O'Connolly's face was inquisistive, Reskew's face was concerned and the Grand Minister's face was... delighted...

"So... you're serious, then?" O'Connolly asked. "Crabs... giant... bloody... crabs??"

"DEAD ASS!!!" Crooked Nate responded, clutching the edge of the table.

"Giant... bloody... crabs... " O'Connolly continued. "In South Africa..."

"Well, they're not actually IN South Africa yet," Dr. Reskew chimed in. "Many miles off the coast, though according to our reports they're advancing quite rapidly towards the shore."

It was then that the Ministers began to realize the severity of the situation's gravity. Dr. Elkan Reskew soon brandished the Archivists' report on the Botha-Reagan Crustacean Appropriation, which detailed the details of the CRAB and the reasons the project was brought about. Though not telling entirely who was involved.

"How can we find this scientist?" O'Connolly inquired. "If what these files show is true, then he's the only one who would have known the codes."

"But shouldn't we be focusing on finding who actually did this?" Dr. Reskew chimed in. "The report from the Leninist Analysis Dept. indicates that the group that stands to benefit most from this atrocity is not politically motivated!"

"WHO IS IT THEN!!!???" Crooked Nate asked calmly.

Dr. Reskew steadied himself before answering and after a long pause responded.

"Recording artists."

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!!!???" Sec. Gen. O'Connolly asked. "How could there be any sense in that at all!?!?!? Musicians unleashed the crabs!?!?!? What are they going to do??? Write a Top 40 hit about a massacre perpetuated at the claws of giant crustaceans!?!?!?"

"This is an extremely detailed and comprehensive report!!!" Dr. Reskew replied. "We can't begin to comprehend the logic of Leninists!!!"

"SO WHAT DID THE TROTSKYISTS SAY, MAN!?!?!?!?!?" the Sec. Gen. asked.

It was then that the doctor and the secretary general became aware of the attorney general who, at that very moment, slumped to the floor, clutching his cell phone with eyes wide in the finality of a realization that had transcended any semblance of normalcy.

"He's having a really tough week," the good doctor informed O'Connolly.

In the palm of the Att'y Gen.'s hand the two discovered a text message transmission; one which the sender had crafted entirely in Morse Code (due to the vastly ironic nature of an archaic form of communication being received by a far more advanced device, mind you).

The message read, simply: "As usual, you are way behind the times. Be sure to send word when you tire of your organization's deductive mediocrity and wish to obtain the answers you seek. The situation is time-sensitive, if that matters."

The phone number was unavailable, but the signature was legible, and O'Connolly wondered aloud.

"Who the fuck is Jules Rimet???"

The very name harnessed a power comparable to smelling salts for the Att'y Gen. and he immediately came to, at its very mention.

"'Who is Jules Rimet?'" he breathed, wild-eyed and staring off into nothingness. "Jules Rimet is the fiendish prisoner of his own uncompromising mind. An ingenious instigator incapable of inspiring intrinsic impetus instead incessantly initiating infernal invented intentions. As much street corner song and dance man as omnipotent globetrotting megalomaniac. The tastemaker's tastemaker, wielding vast and wildly illegitimate power over the public opinion in the area of musical entertainment. He is a modern day Machiavellian hijacker of the transformative nature of pop culture, directing the tides of the entirety of the musical spectrum, for which he inexplicably holds the reigns, unwaveringly navigating the course of events toward a heading that serves to bring about his own singular intransigent vision of a more perfect world. In years past, he has been directly linked to some of the most pivotal occurrences in the realm of modern popular music. Some of these events include, but are not limited to, encouraging Kurt Cobain to commit suicide, encouraging the breakup of the Pixies, preventing the breakup of Radiohead, introducing Whitney Houston to Bobby Brown, introducing Pete Doherty to cocaine, introducing Cat Stevens to Islam, introducing MC Hammer to a financial adviser, orchestrating the discovery of Lady Gaga and blueprinting the Milli Vanilli project. He has propped up bands and taken them back down again as if they were ads upon a billboard. He is a man bound by no code of ethics, no restraints hold him back, he is but a machine driven solely by the accomplishment of his own ends, by whatever dastardly means required. He is a social media sociopath with endless ambition, never revealing the ultimate aims of his grand design, tirelessly weaving the fabric of our era into the complex convoluted musical tapestry that is: Jules Rimet."

The room absorbed the stirring description their colleague had just uttered, as if he'd been momentarily possessed as the very herald of the antichrist. Upon brief reflection, O'Connolly was the first to speak.

"Sounds like we could use this man right now," he said.

Nate's face was grave.

"This man," he said. "Is diametrically opposed to everything I have ever believed in."

"Nate..." Dr. Reskew began.

"This man is a terrorist!!!" Nate yelled. "He is a MUSICAL TERRORIST! Consorting with him would be the equivalent of us negotiating with terrorists!!!"

This let loose an uproarious guffaw from the Ministers, as well as the recorder of the minutes.

"We're The Ministry of General Fucking Mayhem, man," O'Connolly chuckled. "We negotiate with terrorists ALL the time!!"

"I can't be the one to meet with him," Crooked Nate shook his head. "I absolutely refuse."

"Nate, this is the only way," Dr. Reskew offered.

"Back when I was doing Left of the Dial!?!?" the Att'y Gen. exclaimed. "Rimet trolled my page... EVERY DAY... whenever a new review was up, no matter what band it was... EVERY FUCKING DAY he hated and hated and hated on it!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMMUNICATE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT!?!?!?!?"

The room fell silent as Nate furiously rubbed his furrowed brow, before pausing and staring at the wall again.

"I know it has to be me," Crooked Nate conceded at last. "I know I have to go."

"You're the only one among us qualified for this kind of conference," Dr. Reskew said.

"You're the only one who will know what the fuck he's talking about," O'Connolly said.

"I know," Crooked Nate nodded, getting to his feet as his fellow Ministers rushed to assist him. "I'll leave at daybreak, from the Stronghold on the Jersey Shore."

"You'll commandeer one of the hovercrafts?" O'Connolly inquired. "How do you know where you're going?"

"He'll direct me," Crooked Nate scoffed. "The bastard will be delighted to do so. All I have to do is ship out."

"Agreed," O'Connolly said. "We'll have a transport to New Jersey ready within the hour."

The group suddenly became aware of their Grand Minister, leaning as far over as one could along the edge of the table, arms in an impossible tangle all about his head and neck, an expression of pure satisfaction plastering his visage.

"Jared hasn't spoken for over an hour," the good doctor announced.

"Grand Minister!" Sec. Gen. O'Connolly called. "Do we have unanimous consent on this mission???"

The Grand Minister stirred slightly.

"Hey... Hey... Nate... Hey Nate.... Naaaaaate! ...Nate..." Grand Minister Adams said, eyes set squarely upon the Att'y Gen. with an endless manic grin curved in all manner of directions across his devilish mug, before sliding off the edge of the table with a tremendous crash to the floor, though they could hear him from under the table.

"What them lobsters is doin'???"

* * *

The Att'y Gen. struck off at dawn as planned, departing The Ministry HQ and setting off for the East Coast of North America, riding along to his Jersey Shore Stronghold where he commandeered The Nimo, one of The Ministry's state-of-the-art solar-powered hovercrafts, and took to the high seas without a heading.

No sooner had he left land than the Att'y Gen.'s predictions also went off as planned. According to the ship's Captain's Log, the last thing he remembered while aboard, was that the ship was raided by what he described as "Shinobi-looking SWAT team Shaolin gunmen (coolest-looking motherfuckers I ever SEEN!!!)" who dropped from a helicopter and forced a sleeping agent upon the Att'y Gen. (presumably orally) sending him into a deep slumber with dreams-aplenty. He was wearing white onesie PJ's and flying through a massive fantastic Slumberland with a young princess to his right and a giant bullfrog on his left that continuously yelled "BLAAUGGGHHHH!!!!! BLAUGHHGGHHH!!!!!!"

When he came to, he was sitting before his quarry.

"Good morrow," said Rimet. "Welcome... and all that."

With eyesight slowly developing, adjusting to the soft orange hew of the tiny warm drawing room's lighting, and the smaller piercing light blue glow from the veranda several rooms down the hall, Crooked Nate found himself surrounded by three high walls of horrendous artwork he didn't recognize and one entire wall of vinyl albums. Sitting in front of that wall, and directly in front of him, was the man who had been the greatest scourge of his world since before he was even aware of him, the man who commanded the currents of popular music, continuously crafting the musical realm in his own image. For the first time, Crooked Nate at last looked upon Jules Rimet.

He was a slight man, spindly and pale-skinned; he'd managed to curl his entire form into an old oak brown leather office swivel-chair. A multicolored afghan was draped over his shoulders, though most of his chest was showing, adorned with a thin baggy low-cut purple tank top, while his bottom half was clothed by black spandex. His gaunt face held a thin coal-colored beard, the length of which had grown in so even that it looked like the stubble was intentionally shaved to those precise dimensions. He periodically scratched the fuchsia knit cap, which was clearly irritating his scalp, perched atop his sheer straight shoulder length hair, dirty brown and parted on the right and slanting across much of his forehead. Despite the myriad of events the Att'y Gen. had tied him to, dating back over four decades, he didn't look a day over 30. He was peering down over his dark thick-rimmed glasses, reading the liner notes of an album the Att'y Gen. didn't recognize.

"I've never understood why artists feel the need to leave their gratitude to people who had absolutely nothing to do with the project's production or had any hand in bringing it about," Rimet mused. "I'm pleased to find none of that here in this album."

There had to be hundreds of vinyls on the wall behind Rimet. They went all the way up and Crooked Nate leaned back to see where they met the ceiling.

"Quite a collection, Jules," Nate said, returning his gaze to his quarry.

"That's not my collection," Rimet replied. "Those just came in this week."

There was a distant monotonous hum filling the entire room. It sounded as if a microphone was lying on the floor somewhere with the amplifier still on or like something heavy fell on an organ and was holding down some keys. Forever.

"We are currently listening to Composition 1960 #16," Rimet said, without looking up. "The instructions that accompany the piece state that a live tiglon cub should be released into the room with the listener for its duration. So mind your feet."

Nate glanced at the floor where what appeared to be a striped lion cub slept by his chair. He heard Rimet chuckle to himself all of a sudden.

"Apologies," he said, clearing his throat. "I just realized I used the word 'duration' when describing a La Monte Young piece. I suppose it seemed necessary to provide proper context, given the present company."

Nate shifted uncomfortably in his chair, he was slightly hungover from whatever the ninja assassins had shoved down his throat that morning.

"There's coffee in the French Press to your left," Rimet said, still reading. "I assume that's what you drink in the morning."

Crooked Nate, with eyes fixed upon his quarry, picked up the French Press without looking, poured himself a mug, stretched it out to his right and poured its continents on the carpet with a splash.

"Charming," Rimet said, eyes still down, as a servant rushed in, rapidly cleaned the spill and left. "I suppose you've wanted to do something like that for some time."

"Aye," Crooked Nate scoffed.

"Why not stand up on the table?" Rimet offered, waving a hand as he continued to read. "Juggle your balls and howl at the moon? It will make no care for my part, as I trust you are already aware."

Crooked Nate gritted his teeth, digging his fingers into the leather cashmere- topped armrests of his chair, despite their soft pleasing feel upon his forearms. Rimet abruptly closed the album at last.

"Well, Albarn you've certainly made your bed," Rimet muttered, reaching the album above his head and pushing it between others on the shelf behind him.

"That the new Gorillaz?" Crooked Nate asked, eyeing its spot on the shelf. "Doesn't that not come out til next month?"

"Yes, but don't excite yourself," Rimet said, returning his hands to his lap, finally setting eyes upon Crooked Nate. "You'll hate it; quite famously, in fact."

Nate glared back as his quarry, the incessant hum continuing in the background.

"And, as usual," Rimet said, eyes, cold and fixated. "You'll be alone."

"Well," Crooked Nate replied, through bared teeth. "Everyone's a critic."

"Yes, but not everyone knows the proper plane upon which to base their critique," Rimet returned, adjusting his seated fashion. "The axis is no longer one of 'good' or 'bad,' and I say never truly was. No. The axis is only meant to determine whether the project serves a purpose or fails to do so altogether."

Crooked Nate shook his head.

"And what a purpose Animal Collective has served," he said.

The right side of Rimet's face allowed a smile at that remark.

"What a purpose indeed," Rimet said. "The grand vessel of the Collective. My they were so close to whole without me and yet would have never truly coalesced into what they are now had I not intervened. I recall quite vividly when I became directly involved with them in the winter of '03 as they were embarking on their fourth essentially anonymous work. The techniques I introduced them to during this time would redirect their efforts and redefine the band forever. The triumphs that followed Here Comes The Indian are well-documented, by yourself included, but even these were trivial matters by comparison to the true force in the band. The animal for which the collective served as but a mere expendable vehicle; I'm referring, of course, to Panda Bear...my finest creation..."

"Your finest puppet," Nate sneered, as the tiglon awoke.

"Ah," Rimet nodded. "Is that how you're characterizing me these days? As a mad master of marionettes? That I hold the strings and dance them across the stage? No. You are wrong. For I am not a woodcarver by trade and none of them have strings. They perform by their own volition, I only get them to the stage or take them off. And for the ones I do create, I give them no strings and grant them the power to walk on their own. That is a skill that this Geppetto you've imagined me never could've hoped to possess."

"You're right," Nate smiled. "You're much more like The Fairy."

The two fell silent, only staring back at one another for a moment or two. The tiglon was running its claws on the chair leg and Nate tapped his legs signaling for it to jump up. The cub leapt into Nate's lap and curled up there. Rimet finally spoke.

"I suppose you're wondering why you're here."

"I'll take a drink," Crooked Nate offered.

"You won't be here long enough," Rimet responded, picking up his own water glass and rising. "You're losing time already."

"If you've got anything to do with this crab attack," Nate said, with eyebrows raised. "I'd say you're the one whose short on time, Julesie."

"Please, save me the coy insinuations and the idle threats," Rimet responded, refilling his glass at the Pellegrino water cooler in the corner of the room. "You know full well I'm involved and you haven't the jurisdiction or means to tie me to it."

"But I could choose not to fix it," Nate replied. "And you wouldn't have sought my help if something hadn't gone wrong. Something's not going according to your plan."

"No," Jules replied, raising the glass to his lips. "Not at all..."

He drank deeply, his back to Nate, as the Att'y Gen. stared him down, squeezing and releasing his seat's pleasing cashmere toppings. Jules finished the remains of his glass and turned back to his guest.

"To fully explain what you're up against," Rimet said. "I'll need to tell you the entire story."

"It just so happens I'm on holiday," Nate said. "I'll have that drink now."

Rimet glared at him from behind his glasses.

"Cleaning up other people's shit always works up a terrible thirst in me," Nate smiled.

"Kjartan!" Rimet called, as the servant appeared almost immediately. "Bring some whiskey."

Nate was beaming.

"How does your guest take his drink, Mr. Rimet?" Kjartan asked.

"In a bottle," Nate responded. "And make sure it's absolutely repulsive, Charrtann!"

Kjartan nodded and departed as Rimet slowly paced about the room.

"I think you have a general idea of what it is that I do here," Rimet said, continuing to pace. "Though I realize you can not begin to imagine how I do it."

"I'd rather not imagine," Nate said. "And I'd rather not know. I'd rather save South Africa from the goddamn monsters you've unleashed upon it and then go back home to Philly."

"You know so little," Rimet smiled. "I have to remember that. That's why you must hear everything."

Kjartan returned with a large bottle of Evan Williams which Nate snatched and poured into the coffee mug.

"Talk and talk fast!" he said, offering a few laps of whiskey to the tiglon. "I'll stop hearing you in about ten minutes."

Rimet grimaced and began.

"I first became aware of the transcendental power of music in 1984 while watching the Congressional Hearings of the Parent's Music Resource Center," Rimet said. "The goal of the artists testifying was to prevent the stigma of a rating system from being applied to their works and to convince the Senators gathered that parents would have a more significant effect on their children's upbringing than the music ever would."

He paused, drinking deeply from his water glass to pick at a plate of some Thai cuisine he'd perched on the bookshelf in the corner.

"It was only then, I think, upon hearing the artists themselves say that," Rimet mused. "That I finally knew that they were lying."

"You actually wanted the Parental Advisory stickers?" Nate asked.

"You misunderstand," Rimet said, pausing in place for a moment. "It's never been about what I want."

Nate drank deeply of his whiskey and settled back in his chair.

"The monotonous mantra from the libertarian side of the debate," Rimet continued, pacing again. "Was one striving to convince the nation that music alone could not move people to commit certain acts, specifically acts seen as destructive to one's self or others. What they never discussed... was that music heard in conjunction with a complex well-orchestrated agenda, could move people to commit... all kinds of acts...

"From battle hymns to advertising jingles," Rimet continued. "I became fascinated, obsessed, with cognitive dissonance, cultural dissonance, memory, nostalgia and so on. This led to my expert analysis of constantly evolving demographics, market trends, foreign affairs. I needed to understand people's preferences and motivations, with regard to music."

"And why was that?" Nate asked.

"So I could understand this world," Rimet responded.

"And control it," Nate said disgustedly.

"The study was long," Rimet said, ignoring Nate's comment. "I was already a scholar of musicology, and the applications of modern psychology came quite naturally to me. That's all very technical and I won't get into it because I doubt you'd be able to comprehend any of it, but the key principle here is that once I realized that I could essentially transform any scenario into one I considered more favorable... I then began to attempt to determine the very course of events itself..."

He refilled his glass.

"And I succeeded," Rimet smiled. "Incessantly."

"No one man should have all that power," Nate frowned.

"Oh please!" Rimet moaned. "No one in my position, upon discovering these possibilities, would have simply let them be. It was like riding a ship into a hurricane and discovering it had a helm for the first time."

"So how'd you do it?" Nate asked. "Initially, at least."

"Oh, it was quite simple," Rimet grinned. "I became a session musician and my aptitude allowed me to ascend quite rapidly through the ranks to work with some of the most sought-after and avante garde projects of the time, finally achieving the roles of an engineer and finally a producer."

"Your long-desired role," Nate nodded. "You probably still consider yourself a producer, don't you? One who needed the whole goddamn world for a studio."

Rimet smiled at that.

"When Berry Gordy was running Motown," he continued. "He ran it like a corporate product line. He would hold quality control meetings every Friday and have the latest offering performed before a room of radio execs, music critics, producers and the like. He knew that a positive response from that room would give him an advanced guarantee of a hit."

He swished the water in his glass.

"But he was an amateur," Rimet smiled. "All Gordy cared about was money. Once he'd collected on his product in the short-term, he simply made another, and was unconcerned with how that product lived on in the general public, the events it would inspire and how the endless tide would carry it off for eons to come."

"You wished to control the tides," Nate said.

"I did," Rimet said. "And I do."

He began to pace again.

"You'll understand there have been necessary evils along the way," he said with a shrug. "I had joined a dance which, like any dance, was about give and take; I was constantly writing and rewriting a complex algorithm of society's wants and needs in music. This has, at times, led to trends in popular music appealing to the lowest common denominator of the public and containing very little content of any high cultural musical worth. These are, of course, the most preferred musical trends of your cousin the Grand Minister."

"Europop," Nate said with a shudder.

"Yes," Rimet said, with a cough. "I suppose I would apologize, had it not been absolutely necessary."

"No apology will suffice for Aqua," Nate said flatly.

"Nevertheless, they had a role to play," Rimet said. "But even the most useful eras in popular music eventually outlive their usability thanks to minorities of diehards who prolong the inevitable. You, for instance, remain clinging to your pitiful punk rock, though it died decades ago. Like the rest of your subculture you are comparable to an extra in Weekend at Bernie's, as the band carries that lifeless corpse of a genre from place to place, fooling the world into believing it's still alive."

"Nice reference, douche," Nate said.

"My thanks, cock," Rimet returned. "But these drawbacks along the way exceeded such mutated lepers of the pop culture genome. There were casualties as well. Bands disbanded and solo careers that needed to falter or conclude altogether. This, of course, made my anonymity and multiple aliases essential."

"Why?" Nate asked, drinking deeply.

"Because I'd never be able to get close enough if they knew," Rimet responded. "Which brings us to the matter at hand."

Nate sat up in his seat then.

"When I take an act off the board as one alias," Rimet said seriously. "That alias is then retired as well. Until that time, I operate under that name, and how ever many others I need, and build its reputation accordingly... I recently retired such an alias..."

"Of course," Nate said. "You broke up the Crab Band."

"I assumed that one was coming," Rimet rolled his eyes.

"Glad I didn't let you down," Nate said, raising his mug.

"While operating under my most recently deceased alias," Rimet went on. "I was approached by a band that had found massive notoriety extremely quickly and like many before them in a similar position, they found themselves short on ideas and barely capable of finishing their sophomore effort. As they mixed down their second album, the singer came to me, desperate and in hysterics, pleading for assistance on garnering inspiration for the third effort."

"He wanted you to directly give him inspiration to write an album?" Nate inquired. "Even you aren't capable of that!"

"No, I'm not," Rimet replied. "And that's not what he asked me."

He eyed the remains of his guest's whiskey bottle. It was nearly empty and his guest's smile was becoming more unsettling.

"Direct inspiration is not my role," Rimet continued. "I want as little to be known about me as possible, let alone play muse to a piece of art. When it comes to that, I merely give the artist a nudge in the right direction. Whether its having a Brooklyn thrash group listen to Merzbow or flooding the mp3 blogs with a buzz band or blind-siding the recording industry with a Latin explosion. The enterprise, of course, varies in intensity with context-

"Or convincing a rock icon to kill himself," Nate said bluntly.

"If you're referring to Cobain then it's really time for you to move on from that," Rimet said. "There was no 'convincing.'"

"You took a clinically depressed heroin addict to a firing range," Nate replied. "One wonders where the conversation drifted that day."

"Hardly his first experience with guns," Rimet replied. "And he chose his time... it appears another musical act has now as well..."

"So what happened?" Nate asked, pouring another mug.

"The singer that approached me for help told me there were primarily two sources of inspiration for him," Rimet continued. "Namely, Paul Simon and Peter Gabriel."

Nate froze in his seat.

"Neither of those sources had put out anything of real worth in some time," Rimet went on. "And the troubled singer decided the reason for this was both Simon and Gabriel had put out their most impressive solo material during the reign of South Africa's apartheid government."

"He wanted to bring it back?" Nate said.

"The singer essentially believed," Rimet answered. "That a South Africa in peril would resurrect the talents of Simon and Gabriel and restore the fountain of inspiration for him to sip from once again."

Nate sat nonplussed. If had finally dawned upon him. He had already gathered what the next words to leave Rimet's lips would be.

"It was Ezra Koenig," Rimet nodded. "The singer of Vampire Weekend."

It all made so much sense.

"I'm sure you're already aware of the Botha-Reagan Crustacean... whatever they called it," Rimet recommenced. "With Reagan gone there was only one remaining individual possessing the nuclear codes necessary to activate the disaster. The disaster would appear to be of natural origin to anyone unaware of its true origins and the united world effort to liberate South Africa from a Giant Crab holocaust would be enough to provide proper inspiration to... Simon and Gabriel... and then inspire Ezra and Vampire Weekend vicariously."

"He was willing to sacrifice an entire nation so he could write an album," Nate said.

"Yes," Rimet nodded.

"And so were you," Nate breathed.

"I supplied the identity of the scientific engineer, the only living person with the codes," Rimet said. "I had been contemplating the effects of refocusing the world upon that country for some time now and saw ways that the world music community could utilize the effects of this cataclysmic event. But I never dreamed they would do this now."

"Why does the timing matter?" Nate asked.

"Why... the World Cup is in South Africa this summer," Rimet said incredulously.

"Oh yeah?" Nate asked.

"Yeah," Rimet said, eyeing Nate perplexedly. "You really can't think of any reason that would be significant to me?"

"Honestly?" Nate said. "Soccer barely even exists for me."

"...well, regardless, I can't allow it to be disrupted," Rimet continued. "In fact, the early reports are showing that the Cup will put more focus on the nation and its music than there's been in years. The Crab Infestation is no longer... necessary..."

"Oh!" Nate exclaimed. "Well thank god for that!!"

"And the reason I've told you who's behind this," Rimet said. "Is for the same reason I take any act or artist off the board."

Nate raised his eyebrows.

"Because I've decided it's time for them to be done," Rimet smiled.

Nate gulped straight from the bottle then, as Rimet stared at him over his glasses, swishing his sparkling water in his glass.

"Ahhhh..." Nate's satisfied breath came, as he wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "So..."

"So?" Rimet replied.

"How do I kill the things?" Nate asked.

"Kill them?" Rimet asked.

"Yes!" Nate said. "Eradicate! Exterminate! How?"

"With large guns, I'd imagine," Rimet shrugged. "Bombs... maybe you could feed them some poison or use fire..."

"Are you for real?" Nate asked. "You don't know how to... undo this??"

"I do not," Rimet said, shaking his head. "That is the very point of such chaos. Once activated, the plan is usually to allow it to run its course. I predicted it would take a major military coalition approximately 3 months to quell the threat. I would give your Ministry a little over a year."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Nate said. "Good luck sleeping tonite, you filthy bastard."

"You said I was a producer," Rimet said, as the Att'y Gen. downed the remnants of the bottle.

"Hah?" Nate asked through blood-red eyes.

"You said I was a producer," Rimet said. "But you mischaracterized me again."

Nate raised his eyebrows, awaiting a statement.

"I am a conductor," Rimet grinned. "This is all a symphony; and in my own way I lead it as I see fit, constantly removing and adding performers, fortifying different sections when necessary and, to the best of my abilities, enriching the sound to the nearest perfection I can."

"You're fucking insane," Nate said.

"You know that I'm not," Rimet said. "You're probably nearly as convinced of the superlative virtues of your own musical convictions as I am of my own. In many ways I'm sure you desire the power I have."

"If I did what you've done, Julesie," Nate said. "I would've gone the way of Cobain many moons ago."

"I might've asked you to join me once," Rimet mused. "If I didn't already fucking despise you with every fiber of my being."

"Back atcha babe," Nate said, with a point and a wink. "On that second part, at least..."

"That's the difference between you and I, you know," Rimet went on, as Nate looked behind himself for the first time and spied the record player that had been playing the monotonous drone for nearly an hour.

"You've spent your entire life attempting to evade the current," Rimet said. "To fight against the hype and decry its validity. Whereas I recognize that in any fight as in any dance its all about leverage. You use that current to your advantage. You use that hype and channel into a productive end."

Nate burped for about half a minute then, smiling while he did it, and then stopped abruptly.

"Shit... is... BUNK!!!" he exclaimed.

"Do you know what's happening right now!?" Jules asked heatedly, rushing to the table and slamming his hands on the end of the table, startling the tiglon, which leapt from Nate's lap and darted out of the room. "Right up there! Directly above our heads! There is an entire war room, filled with 106 television screens, 18 rows of MacBooks and 1,000,000+ GB hard drives powering my operation as 50 of the most dedicated minds in the world monitor mp3 blog aggregators, record sales, music reviews, concert attendance, music store figures and the live music scene of every major city on the planet. It is an operation whose reach and scope and vision makes The Ministry of General Mayhem look like a social club! The public opinion we monitor is the public opinion we've created!"

Nate was wide-eyed, near-laughter and DRUNK.

"I have the resources!" Rimet screamed. "I have the vision! I have the power! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE!!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

He rose from the table's edge. Nearly out of breath. Stood there for a moment looking out the hall. Then retreated to his Pellegrino dispenser. Nate arose then. Wobbling in place.

"I know what I like, man," he said. "I know what I don't."

Rimet shook his head, his back to the Att'y Gen.

"And I know... what I hate..." Nate said. "And I hate... this fucking shit... you've been playing..."

Rimet then heard a truly horrific sound: a zipper unzipping.

"But don't worry," Nate said. "It's about to get better."

Rimet spun around to discover a sight that shocked him to his very core. He was not a man accustomed to being shocked, as he was an analytical man of incessant calculation. Every stone was unturned, every possible scenario was considered. But for the first time, Jules Rimet's face went an even deeper shade of white.

"Listen to the incredible tones I'm achieving!" Nate called over his shoulder, as the constant tone they'd been listening to was warbled, strained and changed frequencies. "Yeah, this is the optimal version! As it was MEANT to be heard!"

"You're... you're..." Rimet stammered. "You're... URINATING ON THE ALBUM!!!"

"Yeah!" Nate exclaimed. "I found some...uh...extra instructions in the record sleeve!! It says to piss directly on it after you've listened to that fucking dial tone for more than an hour!"

Suddenly, Nate's pants slipped to the floor.

"Oops!" Nate exclaimed, with a laugh. "There's my ass!"

The warped and fluctuating tones finally reached their apex as the needle began to slide all about the vinyl as the flow of urine increased. It was a true testament to the potential of experimental music.

"That is..." Rimet gasped. "A first...pressing...the... original!!"

"Oh good!" Nate said. "So there are other copies!"

He began to wrap up relieving himself all over the record as Rimet slunk back towards the far wall, slamming his back against it and clutching his face in horror. Nate zipped his pants back up and gave the pleasing cashmere topped armrests one last squeeze.

"Alright then!" Nate said. "Thanks for the booze! I'm out bitch! Crabcakes are ON THE MENU!!!"

He balled up his pants, which felt a bit heavier than before and walked for the door. Rimet was standing with his head against the wall to Nate's left. The Att'y Gen. paused for a moment as he entered the hallway. He finally noticed a piece of art that didn't suck. Standing in the midst of a darkened wood, in the streak of light shone down from a small break in the thick canopy, was depicted a young vixen: bushy tailed, green-eyed and staring determinedly into the darkest portion of the woods, crimson, proud and alive.

"Wow, Julsie," Nate said with a grin. "What a perfect little red fox."

He didn't even notice the ninja assassins tackling him, they were upon him so fast. The last thing Nate remembered was sailing over the houses of Greece, NY aboard his childhood bed, with friendly goblins by his side and his flying squirrel companion upon his shoulder, curving up Mt. Read Boulevard and flying low down to Churchill Drive, he finally awoke on the deck of The Nimo as the sun set off the shores of New Jersey.

2.3 The Battle of Llandudno

The days that followed Crooked Nate's Weekend at Rimet's were filled with battle preparations, strategy meetings, correspondence with the South African government and periodic fits of laughter from the Att'y Gen.'s fellow ministers as he recounted the entire peeing-on-the-record-player story.

The Ministry Arsenal hadn't been accessed since the 1950s, the final decade that The Ministry had identified as a partially-militant organization before officially adopting nonviolence across the board. Though the arsenal hadn't been put into use in half a century, it had been gradually increased over the course of 40 years by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson while he served as Attorney General for the Bureau for the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives, Amyls, Ether, Acid & Gonzo. The supply was now so massive that it rivaled the size of most militias throughout the American mid-west.

Dr. Thompson's legacy would now pass to Crooked Nate as he assumed the Attorney General mantle and led Ministry forces into battle for the first time in decades. The Ministry gave unanimous consent to grant Crooked Nate access to every chopper at their disposal, as well as a loyal legion of Ministry gunmen, ready to ride til they die to help save the Republic of South Africa.

After his final nite in The States, spent partying with The Grand Minister in Brooklyn, Crooked Nate was leading a fleet of Ministry hovercrafts across the Atlantic bound for the shores of South Africa. Calls were volleyed back and forth between The Ministry Fleet and the South African Coast Guard throughout the weeks-long voyage. President Nelson Mandela ordered a mandatory evacuation of every beach along the entire coastline, but keeping the order as quiet as possible. The Grand Minister called him every day in the mid-afternoon, describing the latest battle strategies and reassuring Mandela that any involvement by South Africa's forces would only draw unwanted international attention to the crisis.

Nate would stand on the deck of the ship in the evenings, as if he was searching for an invisible far off shore. But his heading was decided this time and he knew where they were headed: straight into a harrowing crab-ridden hell. The monsters he and his forces would face were unlike any humanity had ever seen before, but he didn't feel fear, only the warm nuzzling upon his ankle of the tiglon cub he'd smuggled out of Jules Rimet's mansion in his pants.

* * *

The following is an excerpt from Crooked Nate: War Journal depicting the 1st Battle of the Giant Crab War.

---

Crooked Nate: War Journal
Llandudno, Cape Town, South Africa
March the 20th 2010

7:30 AM SAST

The South African dawn fell upon my eyes like the first light upon my birth. Never had I witnessed such a rich and glorious sunrise as the one that rose off the horizon. It was the gateway to the Indian Ocean, the majestic sentry of the kingdom of the East. We'd docked here in Llandudno the night before. President Mandela had come down accompanied by the highest ranking officials of Parliament to greet us. They prepared us as best they could for what to expect from the South African coastal terrain and what the weather patterns for the season should be. Indeed, we were well prepared and they made us all the more, but no one could have prepared me for the beauty of that rising sun. I realized, however, that I cherished it so, not only because it was the first time I looked upon it, but because I knew it may be the last time I looked upon anything at all.

10:45 AM SAST

Our forces are assembling down along the coast. We decided to settle in the tiny suburb of Llandudno after consensus amongst our sonar experts confirmed that the crabs were consistently dead-set upon that direction, moving in from the northwest. They'd traveled in a massive cluster for weeks now, never wavering from their course. We cannot confirm as of now whether there's some method behind why they're choosing this town to attempt to break land. It's relatively unprotected and surrounded by little more than the Oudekrall Nature Reserve. My vote is for 'no' they don't know what the hell they're doing, they're crabs. But every now and then I remind myself what we're up against and how truly fucking crazy it is and realize it'd be foolish to rule anything out at this point.

12:37 PM SAST

We have two solid rows of hovercrafts with mounted cannons in staggered formation along the coast now. There are a few smaller speedier ones that will stay low to the water and do their own thing when the enemy presents itself. The others will remain stationary as long as possible. Our highest priority is preventing the bastards from making land no matter what. I've scattered land forces with ground cannons throughout the brush and rock formations on this wide hill overlooking the shimmering blue coast; they're the last line of defense. I've posted up on top of the lighthouse that's currently serving as our command center and sole storage facility. We will keep up regular correspondence with both The Ministry and the South African government from there. I've got my BFG 9000 mounted and at the ready and a week's supply of cell packages up here at the lookout post of the lighthouse. I don't know how much it will take to put them down but we're hoping that if they stick together in this cluster as they make their way for land we might be able to take them all out at once.

6:49 PM SAST

Everyone is fully loaded and at the ready. The sonar team reported back at about 5:45 pm and I'm expecting another report any minute. They've been riding far off the coast to get directly above the crabs and get an accurate read on their coordinates as they make their underwater journey. The crabs have been rapidly advancing, much more quickly than predicted, and the sonar team has placed them at less than an hour off the coast now. The tension is palpable all over the shoreline. My forces and I don't really know what to expect. We don't know how big, how ugly, how fast or powerful these bastards will be and even if we did I don't think you can really be prepared to see something like a Giant Crab coming at you. I just keep reminding myself that we've got enough firepower to last five years and while they may be big they're still just crabs. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm being told that the sonar team is actually returning to the coast now. I need to go hear their new report.

6:53 PM SAST

HOLY FUCK!!! HOLY FUCK!!! HOLLLLLLLY FUCKING JESUS CHRIIIIIIST!!!!! CRABS! CRABS! CRABS! CRABS! CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABS!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FUCK IS THIS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????? WHY THE FUCK WOULD THIS HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!?!?!??!???!?!?!? LOOK AT THE FUCKING SIZE OF ALL THESE FUCKING CRABS!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!?!?!?!??! SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!!! KILL THEM ALL!!!!!! KILL THEM ALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!

---

The Battle of Llandudno lasted three days and the Ministry forces under the leadership of Att'y Gen. Crooked Nate were ultimately victorious. There were no casualties on The Ministry side, the crabs never made land and the forces upon the hovercrafts were well-protected, though some of the vessels were rendered unusable due to damaging claw punctures. Nearly a dozen crabs were recorded as dead after the battle. Ministry forces measured the carcasses as being over 60 feet tall (standing height) and 30 feet wide with an estimated weight of three tons. Ministry forces ate all crabs that were killed.

The forces were dismayed to find that the 10 or 11 crabs that were killed off and dined upon in battle only constituted about 2% of the entire cast of crabs that stood against them. To complicate matters further, they exhibited high intelligence and adaptability to battle strategies by side-stepping southeastward along the coast, rather than retreating back into the sea, as Ministry forces battled them back from the land.

An attempt the following day to confine the cast and exterminate in Hout Bay the following morning would go horribly wrong and the crabs' escape further along the coast would come to define the entire war, as Ministry forces chased the giant crabs along the coast line of South Africa with mandatory evacuations of the beaches being called for and undone as necessary.

For the next year Crooked Nate would courageously lead his forces against the crab menace, gradually whittling down their numbers as they drove the cast further and further eastward along the South African coastline. The war would finally conclude a year later in March of 2011 when the great claw of the dreaded Emperor King Death Crab was severed from his massive form and he bled out over a mile's-worth of coastline as he skittered away eastward finally dying at the water's edge. The Grand Minister gleefully dines on crab cakes baked of his innards to this day. This now historic photograph was taken moments after the Death of the Emperor King, when Att'y Gen. Crooked Nate and his 1st Officer Famed Anarchist Johnny Scapino, triumphantly hoisted its claw above their heads.

But Crooked Nate would play an equally important role elsewhere during his time in Africa, many miles away from the battlefront of The Giant Crab War to assist The Ministry in another and in many ways more dire fight altogether.

-

CHECK BACK SOON MAYHEMERS AND MAYHEMETTES!!!

FOR THE NEXT EXCITING INSTALLMENT IN THE UGANDA AFFAIR COMMISSION REPORT:

CHAPTER III

HOLLYWOOD'S MOST BUDDHIST!!!

Attorney General Crooked Nate Selects The 2012 Republican Presidential Candidates You Would Most Like to Get Blackout With, From Least to Most!!!

2011-10-20T23:08:00.000-04:00

Now that the last of the first batch of Republicanpresidential candidate debates are done, Americans can get down to the task ofpicking the person they want to lose to Obama in 2012. For much of the country, these comingmonths are an important part of the democratic process. For the rest of us,it’s dinner theater with an aftertaste of irrational fear that one of theseturkeys might trick enough of the country into voting them into office.

So how do you pick which straw man to back for a shot at thechamp?

Fuck if I care.

I’m here to tell you who would be cool to get shitfacedwith at some Philadelphia dive bar.

Mitt Romney

Ah, Mitt: The once and future king of the RepublicanParty. Romney was the onlycandidate who didn’t appear to have his entire head up his ass during the lastfew weeks, only getting a little testy with Rick Perry when that Texan got allpetulant and accused Ol’ Mitty of hiring immigrant workers like some kind ofspoiled, racist 5-year-old.

Of all the candidates, Romney is the candidate least likelyto send the country to hell should worst come to worst and he wins thepresidential election. Don’t misunderstand me: he would very likely fuck up thecountry in a serious way, but we wouldn’t be drinking out of our toilets andscrounging for food-roaches after his presidency. He seems like a human beingwith a soul and I can shoot back gutter whiskey with anyone who has a soul.

So why does he come last on this list? Because he’s afucking Mormon, that’s why!

Look, I have never met a real Mormon. I’m basing everythingI know about the people of that religion off South Park and podcasts, but Iknow those people do not care for the sauce. If I was to try and belly-up atsome shithole with Mitt, he would probably just sit there and smile at me,alternating sips of Shasta with rhetoric about how social security is fuckingAmerica. At some point he’d start talking to me about my immortal soul and I’dhave to tell him to blow it out his dick and move down a few barstools. Hewould shake his head, still smiling that bullshit smug smile of his and let meget blotto in peace.

That sounds like a shit fucking time, doesn’t it? Have fun gettingstomped next fall, Mitt. Maybe the third time is the charm.

Michele Bachmann

Drinking with Michele Bachmann would go something like this:

10 minutes to convince the nut job to get into the bar.

15 more minutes to get her to order a drink.

6 seconds to say "Goddamn it. You can’t order afucking glass of milk at a bar.”

10 more minutes before convincing her that the bar’s daiquiri’sare virgin.

20 minutes of pleasant drinking before Bachmann startedhitting the sauce in a serious way, like a college freshman who just broke up with her boyfriend the night before Halloween.

After that, you better tuck your pants into your socksbecause there is nothing more dangerous than a crazy lizard-woman all goofed upon tequila and insanity. 10 to 1 odds say that Bachmann would tear your spinefrom your body and drink the stem cells before massacring the whole bar andwaking up with a clean, happy mind and dead, shark’s eyes.

Buddy Roemer

Buddy Roemer looks like a high school principal, or the disapproving father of some girl I finger-banged in high school. He probablyhasn’t had anything stronger than mouthwash in 20 years. I don’t know anythingabout his platform, but it doesn’t matter because he’ll be out of this racebefore you reach the end of this article.Point is, he looks like a grumpy old fart who would sooner scold you fornot calling your parents than he would get a drink with you.

Ron Paul

Things I like about Ron Paul as a drinking buddy: He is asclose to being Rutger Hauer from “Hobo With a Shotgun” as this batch ofcandidates come. He is crazy, but more in a “here’s my tinfoil thought hat” waythan Bachmann’s “I need more blood for the moon orgy” way. His platform ideasare totally unfeasible, both in practice and ability to get past thehouse/senate, but he clings to them with such conviction that it’s almostimpossible not to find him a little charming. He’s from Texas, which is a state that can pour back the suds.

Things I don’t lik e about Ron Paul: He probably has thetolerance of a 12-year-old girl and would likely pass out long before Midnight.I’m not saying we have to go on a bender or anything, but having to stickPaul’s old ass in a cab at 9 p.m. would be a real drag on the evening.

(Ministry Editor-In-Chief's Note: There is such an overabundance of pictures of Ron Paul wearing tin foil hats on the internet that if you simply search "tin foil hat" he is in several of the first image results that come up. Upon this realization we at The Ministry simply couldn't bring ourselves to link to it. Then again... ohh what the hell!!! Here ya go!!!)

Herman Cain

Herman Cain isn’t so much a “crazy” candidate as he is a“stupid” candidate. His 9-9-9 plan would really fuck over a massive portion ofthe country, as this handy Washington Post graph highlights, but the idea ofincreasing the tax base with a national sales tax isn’t a bad one. As for hisother platforms … oh, right, the 9-9-9 plan is all he’s got (unless you count“being folksy” a platform). He would probably be ok to get a few drinks with,but at a certain point he’d start waxing on about when he was a kid growing up in Georgia and how bread used to cost a nickel. Not an ideal guy to hang, but OKin the short term. Congrats, Herman, you are the first candidate I wouldwillingly have a drink with.

Rick Perry:

Which of the following things does Rick Perry look like?

a)   A catcher’s mit.
b)  The male version of Michele Bachmann.
c)   Eric Roberts, if Eric Roberts hadn’t done blowfrom 1973 to 1994.
d)  The self-proclaimed “cool dad” at the Boy ScoutJamboree.
e)   A dude who would be miserable to drink with for thefirst two hours, but probably okay after the shots came out.

(Ministry Editor-In-Chief's Note: f) all of the above and worse)

John Huntsman

John Huntsman is another dude who we won’t remember in twoweeks, so there is no need to go into his platform. He’s pro-money, anti-notmoney, pro-family, anti-brown people, etc etc etc. What is notable about him isthat he spent two years, TWO FUCKING YEARS in Taiwan at age 19. You cannot tell me that this man didnot spend two of his most formative and abusive drinking years in a foreigncountry without getting shitty and chasing down political chicks on theregular. I want to hear about those two years and I want to learn how to makeTaiwanese bathtub rice vodka. Let’s get a drink sometime, Huntsman.

Newt Gingrich

Look. Newt would be a BLAST to get drunk with. All the shithe’s been through? All that stuff in the 90s? And that shit with his WIVES?!Look, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that Newt is a warped, terrible sub-humanwho will have to pay back against an insurmountable karmic debt for the rest ofhis life and probably the lives of his deformed spawn, but the man would betits to get blotto with. Afterall, I’m not looking for a spiritual counselor, I’m looking for a bad influenceto do stupid things with (plus, I want to hear dirty stories about Bisek).However, I couldn’t morally get down with getting loaded with Newt, because Iheard he was a recovering pill addict. I’ve done some fucked up shit in mytime, but enabling someone doing the 12 steps just isn’t my bag.

Plus, you know, there’s the whole “Newt is a miserable helltroll” thing. He’d probably leave a shitty tip or put salt in my beer or something.Fuck that.

Gary Johnson

Gary Johnson is a bike-riding, mountain-climbing, hardpartying young dude who will probably in time become a nightmare creature likethe rest of these candidates. Right now, however, he looks fucking boss.Motherfucker has been to Everest, for shit sake! Look, an interesting personcan make up for a lot of fault, and this New Mexican is certainly interesting.Furthermore, the dude started his own door-to-door handyman service in his 20s.Construction workers are always the best people to drink with.

For your own records, here is the hierarchy of working-classpeople who are fun to drink with: construction workers, Latin-Americanrestaurant workers, regular restaurant workers, janitors, carnival folk,professors, teachers, young pros, students, unemployed regular people, artists.

Rick Santorum

By now you are probably asking yourself why in the name of Jah a person would want to drink with Rick Santorum, the scum of the earth.Simply this: No person with a stick that far up their ass can exist without sittingon some deep-seeded, repressed shit. I want to get this man as drunk as I canas fast as I can and watch his homophobic, racist slander quickly turn into tearfulconfessions of that time he gave a handy to his bunkmate at sleep away camp.Santorum is like the military dad in American Beauty: it’s just a matter oftime before the hatred that hangs over him like an aura burns away and revealsthe buried, fabulous gay man inside. Let’s get there, Ricky. I can show you the(back) door. Just a few drinks and we’ll get to the real you.

Nathan "Crooked Nate" Adams
Attorney General for the Bureau of Tobacco, Alcohol, Firearms, Explosives and Penguins
Philadelphia, PA

October the 20th 2011
11:08 PM EST

The Best Sleep of My Life!!!/Learn How You Too Can Become A Successful Anarchist Overnite!!!/Occupation Remains With No End In Sight!!!/If We Can Wake Up Here They Can Wake Up Anywhere!!!

2011-10-13T20:25:00.000-04:00

On Monday morning, and for the second time thus far, I awoke in Liberty Square. As the blinding rays of first light ricocheted off the mirrored windows of our chosen corner of the financial district, I offered my first morning's greetings to Ivan, a young activist who, at his firm insistence, had lent me a pillow and some bedding the nite before, taken from the air mattress he shared with four others. In the middle of the nite either he or one of his comrades had put a wool blanket over my shivering form, which I realized after briefly awakening at 2 a.m., feeling the same joyful shudder of gratitude I'd felt upon the first night, and then returning to the warm slumber of a dreamless sleep I'd inherited with no compensation asked.

The commonality of such unspoken acts of solidarity and compassion does not make them lost on me, despite their prevalence in the occupied park. While that gratitude does not circumvent the collective's desire to make such acts unremarkable and ultimately indicative of a reformation of our overall cultural and systemic virtues, it does serve as a constant reminder of how far the world outside the Occupation has left to go.

And how far that world's perspective of the Occupation has left to go.

I made my way over to the OWS Kitchen in the center of the park, where breakfast was in full swing. I laughed uproariously with other occupiers over our morning coffee as we gazed through bleary eyes at the front page of the Monday morning Metro, sporting the horrific headline "Sex, Drugs and Occupy." I lamented the sinful hedonistic paradise we were stranded in as we suddenly became shockingly aware.

"Behold this foul and opulent decadence and excess as far as the eye can see!" I announced with a full wave of my hand, surveying the somber sea of sleeping bags, cardboard signs and the yawning activists waking up from beneath them. "Surely the Romans showed greater restraint!"

"I'm feeling left out!" laughed a British activist I'd seen quite a bit and finally met that morning. "I feel I'm a reasonably attractive man, but I've been here a while and haven't been included in any of it!"

"Damn it, the water's out!" another guy said, flicking the lever of a dry spout with a laugh. "The opulence!"

Information is never withheld from the occupiers, no matter how staunchly aligned against them that news may be. How ever this particular Monday press had made its way into the park, there was a fresh stack prominently displayed just to the right of the water supply. Whether it's print news passed along inside the park or an article projected on the screen along side the General Assembly, those within the occupied Liberty Square keep well-informed of the word outside. And everything from a love letter of support from a radical blog or a yarn woven from accounts even more drastically manufactured and altered than within the Metro piece, the occupiers know what the world is saying.

There is a well-placed distrust of the media, however, and it is coupled with a healthy paranoia over outside influences infiltrating the park and attempting to gain control of the movement.

Early the night before, the General Assembly had debated a proposal to appropriate donated funds to the Occupation's Sanitation working group for the purpose of purchasing some large containers for cleanup. The chief opposition to the proposal came from occupiers who saw the motion as acquiescing to the demands made at the behest of the media through their latest sensationalized account of the park's cleanliness and the occupiers' personal hygiene.

"They are saying we're animals," one occupier called out to the human microphone. "We should not debase ourselves to taking marching orders from those that directly oppose us."

While the grotesque portrait painted by the corporate media of a park filled with urine, vermin and worse was, as usual, a completely hollow fabrication, it would only be five days later that sanitation would quite suddenly become the central focus of the entirety of Occupy Wall Street.

The same tactics that were employed in an attempt to dismantle Occupy Austin less than two days ago are now being used by the mayor and his servants. Despite the language downplaying the act, the city and the owners of Liberty Square have passed along a memorandum to the occupiers that is identical to the one administered to the occupiers in Austin prior to banning them from their occupied space. The Brookfield-hired cleanup crew is set to arrive tomorrow and after hosing down the park the company plans to enact new restrictions that they attempted to impose weeks ago, shortly after the Occupation began. The new restrictions include forbidding personal property on the ground, the use of sleeping bags and any other restriction they could concoct to make the Occupation impossible in its current incarnation.

And yet the Occupation continues.

Today I joined Sanitation and wear the badge on my back now as I write. As stated in today's 1pm General Assembly: we are all Sanitation now. The Occupation has launched its own mass-cleanup and beautification process, in advance of the Brookfield cleaners' arrival. The plan at this moment is to leave them no reason to even enter the park, no step unwashed, no trash in sight. At this very moment, hundreds are bundling up there belongings in plastic bags and stashing them atop a massive pile of bags which now contain what have been their very domiciles for several weeks thus far. Right now, in an effort born of funds from the General Assembly's bounty, occupiers are scrubbing, sweeping and powerwashing the stone grounds of Liberty Square. Tomorrow, the cleaning effort will advance from the park and out into the surrounding blocks of the financial district, including the dirtiest street of all, located about two blocks below the park. We will continue to occupy, regardless of what's coming.

But we know what's coming.

Tonite I will be with the Occupation. Whatever is to come. Whatever they bring at us. For no matter what happens, the Occupation will continue. This has been assured well before now. Before the moment it began, it was too late to stifle its growth. This movement will continue and we will soon continue to focus on reforming this broken system. But this is a movement not of one nation. But a movement for all people, for all humanity. One that redefines the very essence of humanity for nations that have sought to take the same designation, previously reserved for humans, and give it to corporations. The human movement of Liberty Square can not be removed from those occupied grounds any more than it can from an entire nation and world of occupied hearts.

Yes, tonite I will be in Liberty Square. I will be precisely where I've been each nite I've slept upon those grounds. On the outskirts, down by the southwest edge, surrounded by my human herd. For as the media was tirelessly battling against this uprising's current and crafting comparisons of the occupiers to beasts, I was dreaming of a bestial comparison of my own.

In a subconscious way at first, but eventually becoming more clear, I chose the same location each time I slept in Liberty Square. I'd felt the familial attachment of a herd upon my first nite surveying the phenomenon which was the sleeping occupiers. The dogs always stalk such herds from the outside, sometimes making a bold attempt at dragging one away, sometimes even cutting a clear path through the sleeping grounds, as the white-shirted lieutenants do during their late nite inspections. The outer edges of the herd, however, are where it is most vulnerable. Many will elect a guard to stand watch, but regardless, the vulnerability of the herd's outermost members is always of concern.

This is my place. This is where I must sleep. Between the dogs and the rest of my herd. For if they want to pluck one from among us, if they need that to be satisfied and that occurrence is truly inevitable, then I will be the one they drag away into the night. And in this decision there is no fear, for I know that this mentality, in some way, shape or form, is the precise mindset of every occupier.

I never feel fear through the night. I never worry that the movement may cease. I sleep the sleep of royalty, where the true wealth surrounds me. Not in the highrises around us, but down at the ground level of the park. Where the fire that's warmest beats in the heart of the agitator. The armies of peaceful resistance, sleep shoulder to shoulder in united defiance, through the coldest nites to the brightest mornings. The realization that in our slumber we do not dream alone and by the morning when we wake we will see those dreams realized; that is what sustains me. That is why I occupy. In peace, in solidarity, in courage, ever onwards til the dawn.

-

Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
Liberty Square, Manhattan, New York, NY
October the 13th, 2011
8:25 PM EST

It's Happening: A Personal Statement From the Good Doctor

2011-10-09T02:27:00.001-04:00

It's happening.

And I hope we can bring some change.

I so much want this movement around the world to dig deep.

I have written about my interest in Occupy, but it's not simply to rant on a street corner. It's not just to "feel" like I'm doing something important. It's not because I want to be part of something bigger than myself. I am involved because I want to be part of the change, part of those doing something, not just complaining about something. I want to be involved in my local community, as well as my nation. They are connected, and I feel especially disconnected from the changes that take place nationally. This movement is evolving and changing and the further action that will be taken will be determined not just in the national arena, but in our local areas. At the moment, many of the actions taking place are leading to voices being heard.

The greatest thing about this movement, as I understand it, is that it's not simply something you either agree with or you don't. Every Occupy location has their own identity, their own grievances, but are united under at least, one common idea. Like the USA, states make different laws but are united under the constitution and federal law. I believe Occupiers have similar root grievances but are unique individuals as well. I want to speak to the question, What is this all about? Really, as the leaderless movement continues, it is going to evolve and define itself. I can't and don't want to speak for everyone, but here is my two cents.

There are a few common threads, I think, among us all. We are upset about the lack of campaign finance reform, lack of equality, Wall Street dealings, and the cozy relationship between Government and big businesses. We are not represented and want our voice HEARD. We are not okay with being told we just have to deal with it, that this is how politicians are, that this is how it works, that there isn't anything we can do, that those who simply speak LOUDER are somehow the majority, that my concerns about campaign finance are just a given and I can't do anything about it.

In 4th grade I was taught the phrase, "If you're not part of the solution you are part of the problem."
While I do not traditionally like dichotomous thinking or statements, I think doing nothing about a system that I don't think is working as it was meant to means I am not helping.

I AM NOT OKAY with this.

I want my voice to be represented. And here's the other thing. The concepts people are upset about are not really new to our nation. We have seen these concepts arise in our history before. And we have met them with protest and revolution.

And we are going to do it again.

-

Dr. Elkan Reskew, Psy. D.
Surgeon General of Psychotic Analysis and Human Disservices
Albany, NY
October the 7th, 2011
4:23 AM EST

MIC CHECK! OCCUPY TOGETHER Spreads to Albany, New Yotk

2011-10-06T02:33:00.000-04:00

The word from Albany: ALBANY IS IN.

As I'm sure you are all aware by now, there are protests taking place all over the world now branching off from the protests taking place in NYC. Officially, Albany is in. As to what exact way Albany will be participating in our local areas, will be determined.

In Albany, a planning meeting was held on Sunday at 5pm to those interested in continuing the Occupy Together movement started in NYC near Wall Street. The meeting, conducted outside because of the many people interested in Occupy Together who live in the Albany and Greater Albany area, started with setting some ground rules for communication, the same general guidelines used in Occupy Wall Street. Some who came to the meeting had spent days at Wall Street and shared the system of communication used in NYC as well as the the people's mic, which worked rather well in my opinion. There was some thoughtful discussion shared over what we stand for - Or should I say of how we stand.

Many important (and I think crucial) points were brought up, even in the first few minutes. At this moment, the goal is not to define every splintering perspective and make decisions about every policy we might have opinions on, but rather the point is that we are diverse people, who have many common grievances, to later be further defined.

Of these important points that were made these of some that I recall most readily:

* We need to try to separate ideology from action.

* We need to avoid in-fighting and judgment.

* Having a voice and being heard are two different things.

* We all have a responsibility to make sure we are informed and not just following rhetoric.

With those in attendance, it was decided that our first action would be to express our feelings of solidarity with those protesting in NYC. There were several proposals that will be discussed in the next meeting, for example: how or if we might occupy a location in Albany. As for my personal opinion, I am happy to be involving myself in this movement as each Occupy Together group determines their own identity and list of grievances. The first proposal to pass was (with a smaller group) to create a very short video endorsing Occupy Wall Street.

Occupy Albany made the local news channel 13 here: http://albany.wnyt.com/news/business/84895-occupy-fever-spreads-albany as well as other local channels.

Solidarity, my friends at Occupy Wall Street, we hear you.

-

Dr. Elkan Reskew, Psy. D.
Surgeon General of Psychotic Analysis and Human Disservices
Albany, NY
October the 6th, 2011
2:33 AM EST

Days of Rage, Nights of Dreaming!!! / In Solidarity with The Occupiers!!! / A Toast to the Haters!!! / Mayhem At Last, Mayhem At Last, In NYC, There Is Mayhem At Last!!!

2011-10-05T23:38:00.000-04:00

It was on the twelfth night of the Occupation when I first set foot upon Liberty Square. The sight that met my eyes was a familiar one and yet entirely different and new. I knew this scene well, though I'd never seen it before. I knew the faces of everyone there, though we'd never met until then. The uncompromising declarations scattered across the patchwork of signs had captivated my imagination for an entire lifetime, but never had they been crafted with those particular brushstrokes by those particular hands until this time. And as I listened to recitation of The Declaration of the Occupation of New York City, which was to become the first official statement unanimously voted in the general assembly, I knew the views expressed therein were all ones that we shared, but never had we shared them more.

That was one week ago.

And much has happened since then.

There have been many marches and many arrests. There was the Battle of Brooklyn Bridge and the Union March from Foley Square. Many have shed blood on the streets of New York. At this very moment, as I write, many are shedding blood just outside the park. Many police have repeatedly overstepped their bounds, only emboldening this movement more with every can of mace they spray, fortifying our resolve all the more with every bloody swing of a baton.

Throughout all of this, the park has served as a sanctuary for the repressed and the garden of this revolution. There is a village there now, with various stations set up to sustain the community. The comfort station helps to accommodate those spending the night. The media station live streams the video feed from inside the park and connects to supporters online. There are medics at this moment treating their allies wounds from the latest police attack. And whether its during the general assembly or amidst a small late night huddle, the ideas and proposals swirling about Liberty Square are some of the most exciting I've heard discussed in years. From a reversal of the Citizens United ruling to a freeze on all foreclosures. From a reinstatement of Glass-Steagall to a Transaction Tax on all Wall Street exchanges. From an overhaul of the 1% corporate tax code to a moratorium on the Bush Tax Cuts for the highest earners.

However, no one person decides the will of the whole. No one person speaks for the collective. The collective speaks for the collective. All are given a say, but all decisions are made together as one. Every day, every single person who goes down to that park is eligible to participate in the general assembly. The political process taking place down there has its roots in both the government system of ancient Athens as well as classic anarchist thought, for a direct democracy through which all accords are reached and all official statements of the occupiers are retained.

This is a movement being developed in real time. Not in secret underground meetings or smoky cafe's or even in a national general election political campaign. The entire world is witnessing this movement as it happens, as it is planned and developed from its very infancy to its final fully-formed embodiment. It is happening right now and more and more every day, across this country and across this world.

So once and for all, mic check, that's why we're there.

It's not that the media doesn't understand that. They understand full well. We are their perfect opposite. That's why they've stepped up their opposition. And anyone on the receiving end of that opposition right now knows that it's coming from more than just the one most obvious network. All the networks know the game plan, which they pursue at the behest of the multinationals that own them. Under the guise, but truly in lieu, of a balanced and honest approach to getting the facts and reporting the story they have instead decided to strive for forcing in their own sense of balance upon the populace. Rather than reporting things as they are, and giving an accurate depiction of this world, they do all they can to advocate for policies solely of a centrist status quo while berating, trivializing and neutralizing any and all entities left of center. They are also well aware that the vast majority of this country has been expertly conditioned for its sense of awareness to be wittled down to a miniscule attention span; one that allows for very little of the reception and retainment of information outside of consumption-based lightning-fast sound bites that appeal to our most base and selfish desires.

At least they ought to know that's what's happened. They did it.

And in the same way there are voices of condescension, disapproval and dismissal coming from the conformists within the rest of the 99 percent who choose to stand apart from those of us who call ourselves as much. For some of these conformists their views only showcase their own lack of education. It is not foreign to me to hear the slogans and see the artistry of anti-capitalists for they are my people. Be they socialists or anarchists or their own liberal variation. To hear outsiders need to question even the most broad general beliefs of someone who has identified themselves to be an anti-capitalist, whatever their specific self-designation, is baffling to anyone inside the movement. The only explanation for an outsider to question one so is that they are commenting on something so alien to them that they truly do not understand. They are also inaccurate when they paint this movement as exclusively leftist, as anyone who has been in Liberty Square observes regular attendance from independents and conservatives who describe their specific social and political views and mostly mainstream and anything but radical.

But those throughout the country who also rank amongst the 99% but refuse to join or voice support for this cause, desperately attempting to convince themselves and others that this movement be folly, are of course only a symptom of a much bigger disease. The difference between these symptoms' resistance to the Occupation and that of the bigger disease is that the symptoms are based on ignorance and misinformation, while the resistance from this disease, spread by much of the media, political representatives and corporate overseers, is based on a steadfast conviction of active opposition. All of those larger entities of the disease will remain enemies, but the citizens who they have made ignorant and misinformed are capable of being educated. And anyone that can be educated remain a potential ally.

But many will not choose this path, for many do know what they believe, and for whatever reason have found a political party, one of the two factions of the oligarchic business party, that represents the views they have chosen to pursue and believe in. We have not been fortunate enough to have any political wing in this country that represents ours.

Until now.

As stated earlier, this is a movement being created in the moment. Following the first official statement from the general assembly, it was announced that a declaration of demands and principles of solidarity are being developed as well. It is a lengthy, complex and challenging process within the general assembly and something of this gravity should be nothing but. This is nothing akin to the far right reactionary groups that have sprung up in recent years. This is not a movement based on selfishness, personal gain and a refusal to assist the whole. There are no powerful political forces seizing control or wealthy sponsors to this movement. The only financial backers I've seen are the likes of the old man from Woodstock I heard speak in the general assembly the other night, who raised upwards of $500 at his local tavern to contribute to the Occupation. Nor are there PACs, corporations and larger organizations passing out pamphlets to our activists and telling them what they believe and what to tell the media they believe and how to disrupt meetings. The occupiers are many groups, telling one another what they individually believe and together as one, through a system of direct democracy, they are deciding together what they will tell the world they all believe.

This nation was founded on an endless debate, through intense disagreements and struggle. One in which the winner of the debate would see his proposed solutions for how to best run this democracy implemented. If those solutions failed, the rest of us reserve the right to bring that failure to light and propose alternative solutions.

We will not allow proven threats to our survival to endure.

There has been no shortage of horrific scenes of societal degradation and loss, ever since the economic collapse of 2009 as well as before. But it was a scene far more subtle, much less technically threatening, that always stayed with me since I first arrived in this city. It would be when I'd happen upon Union Square from time to time, and upon the steps of that park, back before the mayor drove all the artists from it but even to this day still, I would see dozens and dozens of people, mostly young people, and they were sitting. Just sitting. And my initial reaction was one of, "what are they waiting for?" It was far too many people to be waiting for a bus. But there had to be something. What else would they be waiting for? And gradually and then quite suddenly I came to realize that I was looking upon an era, a generation. This was my age and in my time, I was part of an entire generation of humanity that was sitting on those steps. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for anything to happen.

And it all just seemed so hopeless. It seemed so hopeless back then. Hopeless that anything that could fight that, this and all the rest of it off would ever arrive, that I would ever see it in New York. And it hurt sometimes. And the tears stream my face now as I write this because the hopelessness and despair of that time has given way and it has given way to an incredible uncompromising joy that I have never known, never known until this moment. This uncanny thrilling moment these past three weeks have been.

A few nights ago, as I strolled about the park, well-after midnight, keeping a vigilant watch over the droves of sleeping babes, all getting their much-earned heroes rest, I found myself suddenly overwhelmed. Within sleeping bags and under plastic tarps, some sleeping alone or a couple huddled together, others in groups, nuzzling for warmth and shoulder to shoulder with their comrades, I found myself wholly and completely consumed with the deepest affection for all those I surveyed. Hundreds of square foot, all around me, covered with the slumbering forms of those sacrificing the most common comforts, many there who could gain speedy access to such comforts, and I realized that I wanted to give them everything. I wanted them to have everything they asked for and more. Everything they needed. I wanted them to be warmer than they were there on that cold concrete. I wanted them to go to bed with fuller bellies than they had that evening and the evenings before. I wanted them to have all these things they deserved and it was then that I became aware of the burning in my stomach which reached all the way up to my chest and with it came the realization that I did not only find myself ideologically aligned with them, these children of the Occupation in the beauty of their sleep, in the peace of one dream. I realized that I loved them. I realize I love them.

It was a homecoming.

Tomorrow nite, I sleep in Liberty Square.

For I am an Occupier.

And always will be.

#OccupyWallStreet

-

Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
Irving Bastion, Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY
October the 5th, 2011
11:38 AM EST

Mayhem Returns To Wall Street!!!/Grand Minister and Michael Moore Get The Last Word!!!/Occupy Wall Street Demonstration Enters Day 13!!!/Don't Switch The Blade on the Guy In Shades OH NO!!!

2011-09-29T02:38:00.000-04:00

Last nite presidential candidate and Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams returned to Wall Street to stand in solidarity with the Wall Street occupiers opposing the ongoing offenses of the cannibalistic capitalist apparatus for nearly two weeks strong! It was a most auspicious occasion! Attended by the likes of activist filmmaker Michael Moore who appeared with the Grand Minister (8:10) on The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell LIVE in Liberty Plaza!!!

The Grand Minister addressed the NYC General Assembly of activists, anarchists, anti-capitalists and overwhelmingly swell people in the late hours of the evening to vocally voice his support for their ongoing crusade against the wickedest. The Grand Minister decried the power of the law enforcement in the area, derided the abuses of the Wall Street elite and described the occupation as the culmination of one of his most enduring dreams for the City of New York.

"I am a happy man today. I am a joyous man today. Ecstatic in the presence of a dream fully realized. You are a dream fully realized. Yes, even now, as you have only just begun to fight. I see you fully realized. Because I always believed this would happen. That YOU would happen! I knew not the time, I knew not the location, but I knew your faces. I knew them well. And you are even more beautiful in person, I need you to know that. If I saw nothing beyond this point, I would still have possessed the greatest gift one could imagine. If I died at this moment. I would die believing that the forces, which have always stood against us, shall not always stand. That we will achieve all that we've ever hoped to achieve. That's how I want to die. That's how I want to live. And here tonite, as every nite before, and all nite's to come, you show me. You show yourselves. You show this country and this world. That we will not bear silent witness to atrocities waged against us. We will not sleep through this life. We will remind those who have lost all heart of the very reason why this life is worth living. It's all here! I see it tonite! And we will see this through! MAYHEM! MAYHEM! MAYHEM!!!"

-

The Mayhem Ministry Press

Preoccupied at Pearl's Social Club

2011-09-28T17:09:00.000-04:00

So it's all come down to this. Seems like fucking yesterday. Mid-July. The UFT. Mulgrew and Sharpton. We marched on Wall Street and marched hard, but it was all over so quickly. It was a rapid assault. A Drive-By protest. Like the Minute Men who pushed this revolution of a nation out of the womb after men like Franklin, Jefferson and great-great-great-great granddaddy Adams planted the seed. Yes, it was a wild and beautiful gang-bang, indeed, but she's a tough old gal, America, and she knew exactly what she wanted then and she sure as hell does now.

And while traffic blocks, marches and one-day jaunts are vital, and in one evening can draw comrades to the cause for life, a vast opulent behemoth of villainy and absorption like the one that resides in Wall Street requires more than just a strategy inherited from the Algonquins; it needed an amalgamatory hybrid of a strategy. One born of the 2nd American Revolution of the 1960's and reapplied to the American military more forcefully than ever throughout the last decade by the reptilian hordes of industry that infiltrated and continue to dominate the course-setters of this nation.

An occupation.

As my brothers and sisters shed blood in the streets of the fairest city, our rich and pampered representatives sit feigning interest in a jobs bill that will, at best, spray some air freshener on an ever-growing pit of vomit and excrement splashed across my beloved country. Any true redirection must come from the bottom, from us, for we are the foundation of this structure upon which the richest single percent sit proudly perched atop, stories upon stories above, unawares and unmoved. We must shift, refortify and ultimately restructure this formation from the ground up an a radical reformation of this age: a 3rd American Revolution.

The Time is now. The President and Congress are either WITH US or against us. They will either continually jockey for power between the vast center/center-right/far-right continuum and the undying Left. Or they will join us uncompromisingly. Failure to join us will ultimately end in an uprising, for there can be no alternative to our very survival. When you take the very bread from our mouths, the most staunch pacifists amongst us shall turn into the most hostile unrelenting of militants. And the forces of industry DO NOT WANT THAT SHIT. But the overseers know that there is a breaking point. They know a snap is close at hand. But they will bend this nation as far as it can go for as long as we allow them to.

I now depart for Wall Street, the epicenter of American degradation and decay, where the writhing tentacles of the Leviathan lurch and slurp and fuck its own monstrous form in a never-ending demonic masturbatory opera of foul odious decadence, waste and depravity. If you could carve a face out of this hellish nightmare of human self-rape and deplorable gargantuan decomposition, you would achieve the ultimate resolve, in at last knowing full-well the horrific visage of true evil; the unwavering cannibalistic essence of human kind's worst ambition. Deep with Wall Street's heart, this face is smiling.

And I'm about to take a shit on it.

Mayhem Abounds!

Mayhem Abounds!

For The Ministry wills it:

Mayhem Abounds.

-

Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
Pearl's Social and Billy Club
Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY
September the 28th, 2011
5:09 PM EST

Mayhem 2012 Campaign, Talk of D.C.!!!/Far Right Plans New Attack Strategy!!!/Jessica Alba's Nite of Prenatal Passion!!!/Debt Doomsday Draws Nigh!!!

2011-08-01T18:26:00.004-04:00

With his poll numbers soaring despite a new scandal dogging his presidential campaign, Grand Minister Adams was the talk of the town this Sunday in Washington, even with the looming deadline of debt default.

In a roundtable discussion on This Week with Christiane Amanpour, which featured former TMoGM Secretary General, The Great Paul Krugman, leader of Americans for Tax Deform Grover Norquist, longtime Ministry detractor and tired old gasbag George Will...aaaaaand George Stephonopopopolous...

After wiping the floor with those lames in a discussion over the debt ceiling the focus of the conversation shifted to The Ministry, Grand Minister Adams and the Mayhem 2012 Campaign.

"What's really striking is that he actually named his campaign not after himself, but after The Ministry," Steppedonapoptop said. "It's as if he sees this 2012 campaign as not a run for himself, per se, but rather as the next phase of this massive ongoing movement that is The Ministry of General Mayhem."

"NO SHIT, YOU FUCKING TARD!!!" Krugman erupted, all over Stephanpoprocks' trifling, shiftless non-commentary. "It's always been about that, it's the only course of action that's worth pursuing! This is not new! The Grand Minister has made this very clear from the outset of his campaign."

"I think what should be of the greatest concern to the American people," Norquist said. "Is how much the Adams campaign mirrors Hitler's rise to power."

"But what of the relatively quiet response to this latest scandal plaguing, or rather not plaguing, the Grand Minister and his campaign?" Amanpour asked. "How do you explain his campaign's seeming invulnerability to any attack from the Right and virtually any revelation of impropriety?"

"Well, that's the real question, isn't it?" Will answered, like the insufferable know-it-all he is. "What my esteemed conservative colleagues have never been able to understand is that the same rules of conduct and character that apply to them, do not apply to a Grand Minister for General Mayhem."

Will went on.

"Somehow, be it sex scandal, blatant illegality, or even a breach of international security; the Grand Minister has sidestepped any and all follies that for any other political figure would be career-ending," Will said. "Mark my words: any minute now, some otherwise unfathomable circumstance will fly in out of left field, taking the media by storm and halting all other news in its tracks, miraculously vindicating Adams of whatever indecent use of his-

WE INTERRUPT THIS MILDLY ENTERTAINING STORY FOR AN INDISPENSABLE BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN!!!

A MAYHEM MINISTRY PRESS EXCLUSIVE:

Jessica Alba: My Nite of Prenatal Passion with the Grand Minister

In an exclusive sit-down interview with The Mayhem Ministry Press, world famous Hollywood starlet and political activist, Jessica Alba, describes her private bedroom celebration with Grand Minister Adams the night he announced his candidacy.

"He was so patient and gentle and amazing," Alba gushed. "It was the most beautiful erotic experience of my life!"

Alba, who is now approximately 8 months pregnant, said that she met the Grand Minister back in June during his pre-campaigning of California, at a private party at Jack Nicholson's house.

"We got into a discussion about the patriarchy's devaluation of pregnant women as a deviation from what they'd deemed as the idealized female form," Alba said. "It was somewhere around that point in the conversation that we both realized we needed to have sex with each other as soon as possible."

It wouldn't be until a month and a half later, when on the day of the Grand Minister's formal announcement of presidential candidacy one week ago today, Alba received a text from Adams just before her appearance on the Tonight Show.

"He said he wanted for me to be there when he made the announcement," Alba said. "And I said, ok."

Before concluding her appearance on the show, Alba took advantage of the presence of sex therapist Sue Johanson to ask this important question before leaving:

Following the show's afternoon taping, Alba boarded a plane at LAX and flew to Wisconsin just in time for the GM's historic speech in Madison. But that wasn't all she was in time for.

"We left the party at Feingold's house and went across the lawn to Russ' guest cabin," Alba said. "There he had prepared wine, candles, ice cream. He even hooked up special harnesses in the living room so we could do different positions without harming the baby... it was the most perfect night of my life!"

When asked what her husband's thoughts on the revelation will be, Alba was decidedly unconcerned.

"Hmmm? Oh, him! I'm sure he won't mind," she shrugged. "Besides, Cash has never been much of a, you know, 'sex guy' anyway!"

For the FULL INTERVIEW join the Mayhem Ministry Press Corp's TMoOMG! Pop Culture Newsletter!!!

WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR SCHEDULED NEWS PIECE ALREADY IN PROGRESS

"My boy Adams is the Artful Dodger of this shit!" Krugman said, being totally right as usual. "All o' y'all just Oliver Twisted!"

"Be that as it may," Will continued. "My point is that the conservatives who are attempting to discredit Grand Minister Adams, no matter how well-intentioned they may be, only end up helping him in the long-run. If they wanted to use an effective strategy of demolishing his cause and his character, I would say they need to stop focusing on how he doesn't meet their standards, but rather attempt to depict all the ways that he does meet those standards. Thus alienating him from his base and making him appear to be the kind of faux-liberal he constantly crusades against..... but that's...Just My OPEEEEENYONNNNN!!!!."

-

The Mayhem Ministry Press

Grand Minister Gives Formal Announcement of Presidential Candidacy!!!/UAC Report Finally Released!!!/BIG Mayhem Talks Shit!!!/Debt Battle Rages On!!!

2011-07-26T19:45:00.003-04:00

WOW!!!

Last nite saw an incomparable show of support in downtown Madison, Wisconsin as Grand Minister Jared W. Adams took the stage outside of city hall to formally announce his candidacy for President of the United States of America. The historic event was attended by over 500,000 supporters from all over the country who turned out to support what will be the first Mayhem Presidency in the nation's history.

See the full transcript below:

"Eveniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!!!!!

Hello! Yes yes! Hello to you! And you! And YOU!

Goddamn! This is one fucking amazing nite!!!

I'm glad everyone could come out because - YES! MAYHEM FOREVER! INDEED! YES! THANK YOU!! - I'm glad everyone made it because I've really got some serious shit to get off my chest.

I'd imagine we all do...

Everyone enjoying this spectacle in Washington these past few weeks?? No... me neither... Pretty remarkable, isn't it? Watching a bunch of guys, who work for the same class of people, all pretending they give a fuck about what happens to us? They're good at pretending.

The Republicans have it the easiest, of course. I mean, there's very little pretending involved. The Republican have convinced all their supporters living below the wealth of the elite constituencies they truly represent that they are our saviors! That they will rescue us from the evils of taxation and that the more money that filters unregulated and unchecked to the top the more prosperous all will be on the bottom! When you're able to convince people of that, what more pretending are your really required to do?

But for the Democrats it's quite the pageant. In them we have a party that desperately wants to be identical to the Republican party. Most of the time they succeed. Most of the time they pass that test with flying colors. And while they've never been more conservative in history, they are constantly HELD BACK from that goal on account of that pesky outdated enduring stigma that has labeled them a liberal party... a labor party... a PEOPLE'S PARTY...

Well... I say it's time that we make their dream come true! I say it's time that we lift off their shoulders that horrible burden! Lift off their backs that awful stigma! Let us forever free them of the will of labor, the will of the people, the will of the Left!

GIVE THAT BURDEN TO ME!!!

In truth, it is a burden I already carry. All of us here do. For it was never really theirs, was it?! No... for an honor such as this is not to be slung like chattel across the back of an ass. It must be worn proudly and given constant care as a signifier of the bond of trust, loyalty and love that it is.

The symbiotic relationship between the people and their representative in government.

And in the meantime, the symbiotic relationship of the incompetence of this President matched with the malfeasance of the Congressional Republicans is dooming us to certain ruin and handing this country over to the vultures!!! It is THEY that have forced MY hand!!! I can no longer allow this to continue!!! I will not see my country junked, broken and stripped for parts!!!

I will not see it picked away at by the carrion crows of corporation!!

I will not see it sold away bit by bit to the highest bidders!!!

I will not allow us to be sold away by those who have already sold themselves!!!

I will reclaim this nation in the name of humanity for YES we do still exist here!!!

I will take the worker's revolution that has been rejuvenated here in Wisconsin and take it all the way to the White House!!!

And so it is with massive self-assurance and gigantic cocksurance that I accept my self-nomination for President of the United Fucking States of America!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

BOEHNERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mayhem abounds!!!

Mayhem abounds!!!

Goodie goodie gumdrops!!!

Mayhem abounds!!!!"

-

Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
Madison, WI
July the 25th 2011
11:35 PM EST

It was a truly historic speech and the heralding of the nation's new dawning as Mayhem spreads from the windswept coasts of Lake Michigan to the Pacific, the Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico. The Grand Minister's speech was preceded by speeches from multiple local activist leaders. There was an especially warm welcome for Mayhem fan favorite Surgeon General, Dr. Elkan Reskew who delivered the keynote address for the cerenomy. Reskew later told the Mayhem Ministry Press "how very EXCITING everything was!" The Grand Minister and his campaign spent the rest of the evening at a special after after party at Russ Feingold's house, attended by a plethora of supporters from entertainment, politics, journalism, activism and intelligentsia. A party insider told us that "shit got OUT OF HAND" during the party.

The Grand Minister will be making campaign stops throughout the mid-west for the rest of the week and plans to visit every state before the end of the year. With The Ministry's release of The Uganda Affair Commission Report earlier this week Grand Minister Adams' Ministry campaigners say he is prepared to run a fully transparent campaign.

The anti-Ministry website run by Andrew Breitbart: BIG Mayhem was quick in its attempt to discredit the Grand Minister immediately following the moving announcement in Madison. It doesn't really make any claims, so as of yet nothing need be addressed.

Meanwhile in Washington, the debt battle...uh... continues!

The Mayhem Campaign says that the Grand Minister is off to Cleveland, Ohio tomorrow to meet with The Great Dennis Kucinich before riding to Braddock, Pennsylvania to meet with Mayor John Fetterman.

Mayhem forever.

- The Mayhem Ministry Press

The Uganda Affair - Part I

2011-07-25T14:24:00.001-04:00

THE
UGANDA AFFAIR
COMMISSION
REPORT

CONTENTS

Grand Minister's Memo iii

Commissar Listing iv

Preface v

1. UGANDA: AN ELEGANT ADVENTURE

1.1 The Fellowship of the Wrong
1.2 Kill The Gays Bill
1.3 Turk's 1st Mission

2. THE GIANT CRAB WARS

2.1 The Botha-Reagan Crustacean Appropriation
2.2 Weekend @ Rimet's
2.3 The Battle of Llandudno

3. HOLLYWOOD'S MOST BUDDHIST

3.1 Shadows of the Deep Dick
3.2 Attack of the Anal Gerbils
3.3 One Nite at Relais & Chateaux

4. THE NEW YORK GOOBERNATORIAL

4.1 Trouble Stirs in the North
4.2 The Paladino/Adams Dichotomy
4.3 The Rise and Fall of the Ostrich-Riding Astronaut

5. A MINISTRY DIVIDED

5.1 The Centennial Celebration
5.2 The Thanksgiving Turk Hunt
5.3 Furry Scandal Launches

6. SHIT FALLS APART

6.1 The Lord's Resistance Army
6.2 The Rolling Stone Gay Hit List
6.3 David Kato Murdered

7. THE SEARCH FOR TURK

7.1 Smash the Ministry (a 401k Organization)
7.2 The Reign of Haywood
7.3 The Gang Sets Sail

8. BOOTS ON THE GROUND

8.1 The Zanzibar Landing Attack
8.2 Lake Victoria Crossing
8.3 Into the Jungle

9. THE STRONGHOLD

9.1 Freeing The Ugaydans
9.2 Showdown with the Triumvirate
9.3 The Great Escape

10. AFTERMATH

10.1 Crab War Is Over
10.2 Visit to Venezuela
10.3 Going Home

Grand Minister's Memo:

As promised!!! In the interest of full-transparency and open-pants disclosure of The Ministry and all it's doings, goings and comings, we have the greatest of Great expliconaughterotic pleasures of releasing this FULL REPORT of the Winter '11 Vay-Cay that has come to be popularly referred to as "The Uganda Affair." And so we pledge to keep you abreast in the most un-brassiered fashion as we unveil everything BAD that we did!!! That's right, Mayhemers!!! We WikiLeak on ourselves!!! YES!!! It's true!!! ...ahhhh... uhhh... But yes! I did my best to leave this report ENTIRELY in the hands of our trusted Ministry Commissars that were assigned to the task, making my own edits, as noted, ONLY when it was ABSOLUTELY necessary!! But yes, a lot of pretty crazy things happened over there... lots of wild things... FREAKY things... things I... still don't fully understand... or know how to feel about... so YEA!
And NOW, without further hornswaggling... LET'S GET IT INNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...... - JWA

COMMISSAR LISTING

Joe Parker - Chief Technical Officer, Research & Development
Mortimer Young - Head Archivist, The Archives
Spider Jerusalem - Writer, Subversion and Propaganda
Zee Hernandez - Activist, Dissent and Unrest
Rev. Rollo Goodlove - Communications Director., Coercion and Advocacy
Valerie Page - Executive Coordinator, Equality Expansion and Patriarchy Obliteration
Earl Sweatshirt - Intelligence Operative, Foreign Affairs
Milo Bloom - Man-in-the-Bushes, Mayhem Ministry Press
Flynn Taggart - Deputy Director, Bureau of Tobacco, Alcohol, Firearms, Explosives & Penquins

PREFACE

We present the narrative of this report and the recommendations that flow from it to the Grand Minister for General Mayhem, the Chief Drunken Communist Secretary General of Foreign Affairs with an Accent, the Surgeon General of Psychotic Analysis and Human Disservices, to every single member of The Ministry of General Mayhem in its entirety, including all Mayhemers worldwide, as well as all citizens of Earth, be they within or without The Ministry's gentle yet firm, stern yet comely, assured yet tender embrace, nestled deep betwixt the heaving cleavage of its ample bosomy bazooms. (GM Adams ed.)

We have come together with a unity of purpose: to expose the unexposable, unearth what lies beneath, rediscover what has not yet been... rediscovered... Essentially we've been called together to lend full-transparency to a covert Ministry Overseas Operation thus illuminating any possible wrongdoing by the Ministry High Command though of course we found none (GM Adams ed.) and fully disclose just what occurred over there in Uganda especially the inspiring acts of selfless heroism and great personal sacrifice during those few fateful months of this overseas excursion.

To answer these questions we have tirelessly pursued the task which was our charge, adhering to a rigorous around-the-clock schedule, engaging in the most tireless of research, conducting the most comprehensive of interviews and processing the most disturbing of details to ever befall the human race, no matter how difficult it was to choke back tears over the great professionality exhibited by certain members of the Minsitry High Command and how easy they made the process.

Our mandate was sweeping: provide the most complete and unabridged account of The Search for Turk, including events prior to Von Hasselhoff's deployment and immediately following his rescue, as well as divulging a full report of our debriefing (HAHAHAHAHA!!! "debriefing" as in "our underpants were taken off"!!!) of all Ministry operatives involved.

In pursuing our mandate we uncovered the lion's share of revelations and much more than we ever bargained for. Amongst the vast multitude of shocking unknowns our findings have brought to light are campaign finance scandals, long-speculated government conspiracies and secret wars abroad. As well as a massive web of intrigue that united the dubious ambitions of Christian extremists, African terrorists, New Jersey politicians, animal rights groups, failed gubernatorial candidates, Hollywood icons and indie-rock bands. Not to mention some brand new insights into the mysterious past of The Ministry itself (I'll NEVER reveal the WU-TANG SECRET!!!! And if you don't believe, I'LL KILL YOUR SHIT!!!!!).

We have sought to be independent, impartial, thorough, and nonpartisan. ; ) - (GM Adams ed.)

Our aim has not been to assign individual blame, but rather for the purpose of assigning blame to large swaths of the guilty thus dirtying their cursed names forever in this hideous undermining of international law, human rights and common decency may they burn in the most ferocious fiery tarpits of Hell amongst the cannibals, the Spanish Inquisition and Ayn Rand bringing us all to a new state of awareness and greater peace of mind, seeing that justice is done appropriately.

We learned about an enemy who is sophisticated, patient, disciplined, and lethal and unattractive and idiotic and despicable and bitch-made.

As we complete our final report we wish to thank our fellow commissioners... ALRIGHT!!! THAT'S ENOUGH!!! THIS IS WHERE I DRAW THE FUCKING LINE GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! (oh shit) THAT'S RIGHT!! IT'S ALL KANYE CAPS FROM HERE ON OUT!!!!! AS IT HAPPENS, I DO NOT WISH TO THANK MY "FELLOW COMMISSIONERS" NOT IN THE LEAST!!! WHY YOU MAY ASK??? BECAUSE WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MYSELF AND ONE MINISTRY OPERATIVE WHO IS CURRENTLY BEING HELD CAPTIVE IN AMERICAN SAMOA, THE TEAM OF COMMISSARS ASSEMBLED BY GRAND MINISTER ADAMS CONSISTS ENTIRELY OF FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!!! MANY OF THEM CARTOONS!!!!!!!! NEEDLESS TO SAY I HAVE COMPILED EVERY SHRED OF EVIDENCE, CONDUCTED EVERY LINE OF QUESTIONING, WRITTEN EVERY LAST WORD, THE WHOLE FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! ENTIRELY ON MY OWN!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS!!!!!!!!! I'M A SCIENTIST GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT H.L. FUCKING MENCKEN!!!!!! WHY WAS IT ME!!!!!!??????? WHY!!!!!!!!!????????? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????

Goddamn you, Adams... goddamn you... goddamn...

...I also approach the task of recommendations with humility... this is not difficult for me as this is, without contestation, the most humiliating task to which I've ever been assigned...

This is the Uganda Affair Commission Report.

Finally... I'm done...

-

Joe Parker WEB-SLINGER
Chief Technical Officer, R&D
Sole Commissar of the UAC
@ The Ministry
July the 16th, 2011
4:57 AM

THE
UGANDA AFFAIR
COMMISSION
REPORT

1

UGANDA: AN ELEGANT ADVENTURE

"Hunters for gold or pursuers of fame, they all had gone out on that stream, bearing the sword, and often the torch, messengers of the might within the land, bearers of a spark from the sacred fire. What greatness had not floated on the ebb of that river into the mystery of an unknown earth! . . . The dreams of men, the seed of commonwealths, the germs of empires."

-Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

The Pearl of Africa, as Winston Churchill so dubbed it, sits landlocked upon the East African plateau, sharing borders with five African nations and the northwestern shores of Lake Victoria. It is a land long-fought, long-coveted, long-redefined and long-marveled. The constance of its enduring beauty has outlived the kingdoms, occupations and governments of men who tried to possess it for themselves and selves alone. Whether the thieves who attempted ownership came in the form of native monarchs, foreign invaders, ruthless dictators or presidents-for-life, it is a land that, as all lands, has only ever been owned by its people. Only the government that rules the land by the will of its people will be allowed to co-exist by the land that endures all.

Churchill adorned the kingdom that came to be known as Uganda with its long-held title of flawless beauty within the pages of My African Journey, published in 1908. This whimsical title was, of course, attributed to the nation at a time when it was two decades-deep under the United Kingdom's occupation. Despite Churchill's shock and awe at this people's "remarkably and unexpectedly vibrant, structured and cordial social and political system," they were not a people that were, in the view of his country, of his self, and certainly, of the Imperial British East Africa Company, in any way deserving of home rule. As was seen across the African continent, the British set about executing their agenda upon the populace, including imposing their own government and their own rule of law

At least until over 50 years later, when in 1962 the political climate of the continent that served as The Crown's imperial investment led the political organizer Milton Obote to form a historic alliance with the kabaka, King Edward Mutesa II, to assume rule of Uganda with Obote serving as executive Prime Minister and the king holding a ceremonial position as president.

Upon refusing to limit himself to purely ceremonial involvement, King Mutese II and his ceremonial vice-president were written out of the new constitution in 1967, along with all traditional kingdoms of the land. Without holding elections, however, Prime Minister Obote opted to step directly into the role of Executive President.

Obote empowered his army commander to drive King Mutese II from the land, forcing him into exile. The army commander soon after began amassing an army of recruits in the West Nile region bordering Sudan and in 1971 staged a military coup in which he seized power of the nation after taking the capital city. That night a radio broadcast announced the coup and the army commander's rulership. There was cheering in the streets of Kampala, the promise for the release of all political prisoners was announced, and a new era for Uganda had begun.

The army commander was Idi Amin.

The 1970's in Uganda were marred by the horrific nightmarish campaign of genocide waged by the forces of Uganda's great butcher Amin. The economy was devastated, the Asian population was expelled and over 300,000 Ugandans were slaughtered under Amin's psychotic rule.

After nearly a decade of madness and massacres Amin's reign was ended in 1979 by the Uganda-Tanzania War which saw the brief return of Obote followed by the even briefer rule of General Tito Okello who was finally unseated by the National Resistance Army led by Yoweri Museveni.

And now, 25 years since that day, Museveni still rules Uganda. And under his rule the nation has slowly and steadily recovered its economy and developed its government to a point where the legitimacy of Museveni's unending rule has been called into question by his people as well as the fairness of the national elections.

As a nation long-freed of foreign rule, Uganda has made sweeping strides toward prosperity. It's greatest failing as of this moment, however, remains in the realm of human rights. While for much of the nation, the Amin Era nightmare of widespread violence and oppression is naught but a hellish memory; for the LGBT community of Uganda, that nightmare remains increasingly real.

1.1 The Fellowship of the Wrong

Since 1935, an insidious faction of Christian fundamentalists has exacted its considerable political influence within and without the bounds of the American political spectrum. Recruiting American politicians and elitists at home and transporting its skilled diplomats abroad, the group does all in its power to poison our domestic political discourse and that of government systems abroad, with the spread of its warped extremist agenda.

In addition to seeking religious conversions, the organization known as The Fellowship Foundation, or The Family, has made its principal aspirations the crushing of international labor movements and promotion of a neo-conservative ideology as divine law.

The Family has been a natural enemy of The Ministry of General Mayhem ever since the group's conception during the administration of 2nd Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Emma Goldman. Abraham Vereide, the founder of The Family, fashioned the organization as a far-right Christian-fundamentalist perversion of The Ministry itself. While The Ministry had operated far more clandestinely in those days, it was brought to Vereide's attention through his close friendship with then NY Governor Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who had great dealings with The Ministry preceding and during the early days of his presidency, especially in the formation of the New Deal.

The Ministry did everything in its power to extract FDR from the poisonous alliance with Vereide, which Albert Einstein, The Ministry Surgeon General at the time, would observe was akin to Rasputin's relationship with Nicholas II. Roosevelt ignored The Ministry's constant warnings and sure enough, in 1935 Vereide, already embedded in the Roosevelt White House, created The Family in direct opposition to the New Deal legislation.

The Family would continue on throughout the rest of the 20th Century, spearheading the National Prayer Breakfast attended by the nation's most powerful including every U.S. President since Ike Eisenhower. To this day it continues to blur the dividing line of church and state, assuring politicians of either party of the divine support behind free market capitalism and influencing policy overseas by gaining adherents within foreign governments.

1.2 Kill The Gays Bill

On October the 13th 2009, a member of the Ugandan Parliament named David Bahati presented a new Private Member's Bill to his colleagues in Parliament. The bill would go on to galvanize a resistance movement in his country and embolden the equality movement already raging abroad. It was called the Uganda Anti-Homosexuality Bill, better known as the Kill The Gays Bill.

While homosexuality had long been deemed a criminal offense in Uganda, thanks to the legacy of English colonial law, the Kill The Gays Bill would add, as the common title suggests, the ultimate punishment for anyone convicted of being gay. In addition to making homosexuality a capital offense, the bill would also make it an extraditable one, calling for Ugandans discovered as gay while traveling abroad to be returned to Uganda to stand trial.

It had been well-known to The Ministry for some time that multiple Christian terror factions from the U.S. had been stoking the fires of hatred all over Uganda. Now everything was reaching a veritable boiling point. Amnesty International was frantically contacting The Ministry HQ every day, countless activist groups were panicking and violence against gays increased. The penny truly dropped, however, when Bahati was revealed to be a prominent member of The Family.

1.3 Turk's 1st Mission

In the midst of the chaos abroad, The Ministry began to formulate its plan of action to curtail the potential Gay Holocaust brewing in Uganda. While countless cables were exchanged with Ministry affiliates Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International, the planning sessions were hindered as the Kill The Gays Bill was proposed on the very same October day that The D3 Scandal broke out. The largely Ministry-orchestrated diversion would go on to unseat Republicratic Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter, secure the nomination for the seat for progressive candidate Joe Sestak, ensure the eventual downfall of Glenn Beck and expel Ministry arch-villain G. Gordon Liddy into further obscurity. As the record will show, the D3 Scandal would also have ramifications pivotal to the outcome of The Uganda Affair.

Immediately after conducting the conspiracy with incomparable panache, Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams, barely 6 months into his freshman year in office, took his first of what would be many unprecedented executive acts as Grand Minister by selecting an appointee to The Ministry High Command with no prior Ministry involvement to speak of: a radical liberal educator by the name of Turk Von Hasselhoff.

Hasselhoff's appointment as Ministry Smash Brethren Emeritus and Most Esteemed Commissar for Education immediately heralded cries of cronyism as critics on the left and right of the political spectrum lambasted the Grand Minster for exceeding his ministerial post in appointing an outsider directly to a place of authority. The controversial decision was made on the night of January 26th 2010 in a sneaky backroom deal in the middle of the night as Turk was sworn in by The High Command at the confidential locale of TMoGM HQ. The swearing in ceremony was immediately followed that evening by a State of the Union Roundtable discussion by the Ministers present, thus christening Turk's first official Ministry appearance in his capacity as Education Commissar.

Unofficially, however, Turk was well-integrated into The Ministry before that roundtable discussion or his swearing in ceremony had even taken place. In fact, in the days immediately following the announcement of the Kill The Gays Bill, nearly three months preceding his official appointment as Commissar for Education, Turk began undergoing rigorous training exercises and intelligence briefings in preparation for his First Mission.

Inquiries abounded as to what Turk's actual links to The Ministry and its High Command were that warranted their unorthodox decision to secure his abrupt appointment. Not a single one of these inquiries, even the most formal or those containing the most signatories, have so far been honored by Grand Minister Adams. The most widely held prevailing belief is that Turk must have somehow been involved in the now defunct Radical International Pacifist Progressive Leftist Extremist Society (RIPPLES) of which Adams presided over as Grand Poobah prior to taking his ministerial post. The Grand Minister has refused to comment on his days with RIPPLES or any possible involvement by Turk in its operations. As the only character references remain the other members of The High Command to which he was assigned, much of Turk's past remains shrouded in mystery, even more so now due to the unfortunate mind-altering trauma he suffered whilst overseas which following his safe return forced him to take an indefinite leave of absence from The Ministry. According to Ministry Human Resources, Turk is currently heading up the Bolivian chapter of the Bronies while residing at the secured Ministry residence of Alpaca Farm in the Northern Bolivian town of Pacquicha.

He was unavailable for comment in this report.

While The Ministry already was, as always, providing support for leftist activist groups worldwide, Grand Minister Adams recognized that the situation in Uganda had become so dire that the conditions called for a member of The High Command to travel to the nation directly so as to lend support to the local resistance groups and help thwart the efforts of meddlesome American hate groups. In order for the outcome of The D3 Scandal to play according to plan, the Grand Minister could not spare any current member of The High Command and so led to the recruitment of Turk and his training as a Ministry operative.

In the days leading up to the State of the Union address, the announcement of Turk's impending appointment was purposefully leaked by The Ministry. The High Command decided that the roundtable discussion would provide proper cover for Turk's departure once it was established during the roundtable that he would be carrying out his first Ministry assignment in the form of what had long been his passion project: a detailed write-up of The Family.

As far as the public knowledge was concerned, Turk was to complete this report at his leisure from the comfort of his Ministry Office. While this would catch the attention of The Family there was nothing expressed in the meeting or in public by Ministry officials to indicate that Turk's report would be taking him to Uganda. No word of Turk's true mission was ever released and his departure for Uganda later that evening following the State of the Union Address was kept strictly confidential in the strictest of senses.

The following transcript is the Meeting's Minutes, containing the final exchange before Turk's departure:

comofeducation 10:46 pm
(10:46:19 PM): hey boys, its been a pleasure, but I have to get going

SrPEscobar 10:46 pm
(10:46:47 PM): indeed Commissar Hasselhoff, great to have you along, excellent inaugural discussion!
(10:46:52 PM): great to have you!
(10:46:59 PM): send along that fucking piece on The Family!
(10:47:12 PM): ASAP!

comofeducation 10:47 pm
(10:47:25 PM): greatly appreciated sir! Haha I'm working on it.

danthemanMunster 10:47 pm
(10:47:32 PM): Solidarity, Comrade!!
(10:47:41 PM): Welcome to the Ministry!

SrPEscobar 10:47 pm
(10:47:45 PM): don't forget to mention in it, that Chuck Grassley is a "fucktard"

comofeducation 10:47 pm
(10:47:55 PM): fucktard. got it

SrPEscobar 10:47 pm
(10:47:59 PM): okay?
(10:48:00 PM): good!
(10:48:09 PM): sleep well, sweet prince

comofeducation 10:48 pm
(10:48:24 PM): thanks for the warm welcome gentleman. hopefully the good doctor can join us next time

SrPEscobar 10:48 pm
(10:48:47 PM): indeed, I don't know what that little squirrell was up to, but all logic points to the uncouth

danthemanMunster 10:48 pm
(10:48:54 PM): and the insidious

comofeducation 10:50 pm
(10:50:21 PM): hahaha terrific.

comofeducation has left the room. 10:50 pm

Immediately following his exit from The Ministry Chambers just before 11pm, the Commissar for Education stole away out a back door and down a narrow staircase where he was driven by Ministry transport from The Ministry Chambers to the Jersey Shore Storage facility of The Ministry's Bureau of Tobacco, Alcohol, Firearms, Explosives & Penguins where The Ministry's Surgeon General, Dr. Elkan Reskew, awaited him, standing beside the solar-powered hovercraft which Turk would solely commandeer in his voyage to Africa's east coast.

The following Super-Hype Ill-Tight Mayhem Operative Prospectus or S.H.I.T.M.O.P. was delivered confidentia- (...... omigod... I just got that... absurd...) it was delivered confidentially as it contains the most intimate details of his true assignment. This...eh...SHITMOP...was delivered personally to Turk by Dr. Elkan Reskew, just before boarding his vessel, the Free Willy 3, floating it out onto the water and rocketing away into the sunrise on the horizon.

It would be over a year before any of them would see him again...

~

Super-Hype Ill-Tight Mayhem Operative Prospectus
#80274651
Ministry XI
First Year
1/26/2010

MISSION: Overseas excursion for the explicit purpose of providing detailed surveillance and reconnaissance on the activities of American Christian Fundamentalist faction The Fellowship, also known as The Family, within The Republic of Uganda.

PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: gather evidence of illegal involvement by The Family amongst the populace and especially Parliament

SECONDARY OBJECTIVE: provide support and influence to both established and burgeoning LGBT resistance groups in the area

TERTIARY OBJECTIVE: set off a high-concentration glitterbomb in MP David Bahati's office

MINISTRY OFFICIAL(S):

Turk Von Hasselhoff - Smash Brethren Emeritus and Most Esteemed Commissar for Education

Mayhem shall be served...

For The Ministry wills it so...

-

CHECK BACK SOON MAYHEMERS AND MAYHEMETTES!!!

FOR THE NEXT EXCITING INSTALLMENT IN THE UGANDA AFFAIR COMMISSION REPORT:

CHAPTER II

THE GIANT CRAB WARS!!!

Capt. Kangaroo Goes Down Under!!!/News Corp. Hacks Implicated In Massive Hacking Scandal!!!/FBI Launches Investigation!!!/Now THIS Is Good News!!!

2011-07-15T01:26:00.008-04:00

"They shout and curse, stabbing wildly, more brawlers than warriors. They make a wondrous mess of things. Brave amateurs. They do their part. And a man who fancies himself a god... feels a very human chill crawl up his spine."

- Frank Miller, 300

And it really was only a matter of time, wasn't it? Though so very long a time it was, this is a moment that simply had to eventually transpire. And it is so very joyous, I am assured, to see such things befall such unabashed wickedness, such contemptuous insidious flagrance over a lifetime of the most gross misdeeds. To see our enemies fail and falter, to herald their old way's demise, to memorize their stained visage with the pride before the fall. And not joyous for what, it goes without saying, I wish what's come to pass may one day become, no, no, not yet, but rather the satisfaction, though not yet absolution, that washes over me in bearing witness at long last to that first drop of blood as it is unequivocally drawn from the face of what was before, and until that very moment, the new Earth's modern god-king.

Rupert Murdoch, the helmsman of the Evil Media Empire known as News Corp., has gotten his crumpled old gasbag of a roadkill wallaby carcass hauled in before Parliament to answer for the massive hacking scandal perpetrated across the vast spectrum of his caustic horde. In the most widespread phone-tapping operation ever seen from a news organization, what was first uncovered at News Corp.'s 168-year-old Brit rag News of the World, which the slimy bastard closed immediately, is now ever-expanding to encompass the entire Murdoch news empire as it's web of lies, spying, police payoffs and deplorable illegalities becomes increasingly unraveled.

This is, quite simply put, how the man does business.

Murdoch is of course best known in my country, of which he has unfortunately become a citizen, as the owner of a far-right propaganda mechanism that exacerbates the most base bestial inclinations of the populace under the guise of a legitimate news channel. That's not to say that he hasn't lauded Obama when the HOPE and CHANGE banners were flying, or supported Britain's Labour Party when it was riding the tide of Tony Blair. Because most unfortunate of all: he knows his shit.

In 2007, when asked if he believed the Australian Prime Minister at the time deserved re-election, he declined to answer, but responded:

"Read our editorials in the papers ... it'll be the journalists who'll decide that, the editors."

News Corp. decides who deserves re-election.

Because Murdoch knows how to read the tides, be they of the public, politics, economics, whateverthefuck. He reads those tides and rides along with them when he can, fights against them when he must, always sailing in the direction of personal profit and the dominance of his company by any means he sees fit.

And now, it would seem, that he saw it fit to have his people bribe Scotland Yard for information and hack the voicemails of child murder victims, dead soldiers, British Prime Ministers and, wait for it, victims of the 9/11 terror attacks.

Until that last tidbit came under my nose, I truly didn't think that there was anything this man could be involved in that was so devious and beyond the pale of dishonorable that it would put all his other long-standing offenses on the back-burner.

Be it the blatant bias with which his news channel operates or how it openly shitcans employees for not getting with the program. Or how the votes he gets in his company so grossly outnumber the actual shares he holds. Or how he has inserted into a political process where he doesn't belong, courting politicians internationally through private meetings and bribes. Or how he set a standard for ratings on the 24 hour news cycle which can only be reached through exploitation and non-stop editorializing. Or how he has single-handedly degraded the state of journalism to the existential menace against which the proud reporters of the past fought so relentlessly so as to preserve it as a fundamental right of the free people.

In his own special way, he has outdone himself again. And as this is the man who made himself and so many others wealthy off of the potent new fear that came from 9/11; why would he stop profiting off of that now?

It looks like his son may go down for what happened at News of the World. But Murdoch himself? It would take one serious fucking wrecking ball to swing out of this scandal for the walls to cave in on the top koala. With new shit coming to light all the time in this scandal, it's hard to say exactly what that wrecking ball might look like.

Oh right, the FBI.

In the interest of historical context, it must be said how fucking rich it is for just about any current American politician or bureaus to be decrying an act of wiretapping, be they Obama on down. Not to mention a massive cross-section of Parliament who have benefited regularly from Murdoch's cum-rag of a paper.

But HEY! "My enemy's enemy is my friend," right!?

But more than anything, whatever the outcome. It has already been definitively proven, at long last, that Murdoch is, and always has been, exactly what myself and countless others have always known him to be.

A thief, an opportunist, a criminal.

And anything but someone who reports the news.

We gotcha you son of a bitch.

-

Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
Irving Bastion, Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY
July the 15th 2011
1:35 AM EST

Emma Goldman Day in CHI-Town!!!/Suu Kyi (Actress) Deported!!!/Grand Minister Awaits Exploratory Report!!!/The Rhumb Line Is Waiting There Too!!!

2011-06-27T16:47:00.016-04:00

Last night The Ministry of General Mayhem threw a massive soirée at an undisclosed location in Chicago, IL in celebration of Emma Goldman Day. Goldman served as Grand Minister for General Mayhem in The 2nd Ministry of General Mayhem and as Press Secretary Commissar for Subversion and Propaganda in The 1st Ministry, for a total of 20 years in Mayhem affiliation.

Goldman was a pioneering radical, activist and anarchist who wrote and spoke on open resistance, the plight of the working class and a range of social issues long before the government and the mainstream would even acknowledge them.

The annual celebration, which boasts the kind of star-studded guest list of celebrities, activists and thinkers expected of a Ministry banger, is meant to preserve Goldman's proud legacy and ensure that her ideals will forever thrive. The party featured live performances from Kanye West and Bon Iver.

Of all the officials in The Ministry's rich history, Goldman's legendary works are of paramount importance, particularly to Grand Minister Adams, as noted in his speech.

"There are a select few figures in our world's history after whom I would presume any of us should model our self-image and much less our resolve," Grand Minister Adams said. "But to say this of Emma Goldman, I would never hesitate."

Adams recounted some of Goldman's greatest strikes, speeches and advocacy while citing her as the principal post-houmous adviser to his administration.

"To paraphrase a greater man than I: 'Whenever the world seems to be spiraling out of control and I really don't know what to think anymore... I open up the writings of Emma Goldman and it all makes sense again,'" Grand Minister Adams said. "Well... that and the Trilogy of the Rings."

After the party, the Grand Minister was questioned by a member of the MMP, who pretended to be from AdBusters, on actress Michelle Yeoh's deportation from Burma after she was blacklisted by the nation's puppet government after portraying the Grand Minister's "greatest living personal hero," the Pro-Democracy leader and Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi, in a forthcoming motion picture.

"For me, it's just further evidence of several long-evident things; all of them bad," the Grand Minister said. "This is a country still essentially ruled by the same military dictatorship it's been ruled by for half a century, the people are still without their true voice and they will do everything in their power to block the Daw (Suu Kyi) from running in the next election... if there even is one."

The Grand Minister is never coy in his great affection for the Burmese Pro-Democracy activist.

"She possesses a grace and might that I can never hope to have," the Grand Minister said. "This world needs her in this era more than anyone realizes, as we always need that one person who reminds us that our base bestial inclinations toward violence and vengeance will never bring about our true ends without sacrificing our humanity and becoming that which we strive against."

The Grand Minister also said he plans to spend the 4th of July and the better part of next week in deep reflection at the fabled Fortified Ministry Compound known as Ivalege on the coast of Gloucester, MA. The Grand Minister said his exploratory committee have nearly finished exploring and he plans to make a formal announcement on his much-talked-about Presidential run after returning from Massachusetts.

When asked what his trip would entail, the Grand Minister was characteristically confounding.

"Mostly I plan to act like a Big Man on Salt Island, raid the Mystery Train and toast pints of ale with loved ones at the Rhumb Line," the Grand Minister said. "The rest of the time will most likely be spent in quiet reflection with a glass of bubbling nudist fizz!!"

The Ministry also announced that it will release The Uganda Affair Commission Report sometime next week.

Mayhem forever.

- The Mayhem Ministry Press

GAY MARRIAGE NY IS FUCKING PASSED!!!/THE EMPIRE STATE REJOICES!!!/EQUALITY ON THE MARCH!!!/WE MADE IT HERE, LET'S MAKE IT EVERYWHERE!!!

2011-06-27T13:32:00.012-04:00

With a vote of 33-29 the New York State Senate legalized Gay Marriage Friday night and sealed a crucial victory in the Empire State for marriage equality, Gay Rights and acceptance, in the single most important civil rights battle of our age.

New York City was alive Friday nite in vast jubilation, from boro to boro, to backyard to yard, as the partying lasted from well before midnite to long into the following morning. Fresh back from pre-campaigning for star-power in California, Grand Minister for General Mayhem and proud purveyor of the Gay Agenda, Jared W. Adams celebrated the vote long into the morning with friends at Nowhere bar in the East Village, releasing this celebratory tweet the following afternoon!
While Sunday in the city saw the most glorious Pride March to date!!! One that will surely go down in history as a great turning of the tide!!

"Thanks to the tremendous work of countless activists and the revelation of a powerful ally in Governor Cuomo, this year the Pride March will be more prideful than ever before," the Grand Minister said on Meet the Press, Sunday morning. "This year, it's a victory march as well."

"But Grand Minister Adams, about your possible run for President-" host David Gregory said.

"Nope, I"m good Greg," the Grand Minister said. "I just wanted to say that last bit quick."

"But Grand Minister!"

"Laaaaaaaterrrr! Hunstman, you're on, bitch!"

The Grand Minister was not the only New Yorker paying due credit to Gov. Cuomo's valiant efforts in getting the legislation passed, as signs reading "Thank You Governor Cuomo" and "Promise Kept" were displayed all about the festivities at the parade. The day was magnanimous in its glamourness and incomparable in its fabulosity!

It is a magnificent victory and a triumph to be sure, but the battle is far from over, and a nation of gay rights activists are gearing up to use this great success as a lightning rod to rally supporters for an increased national push for equality!

Former Ministry official, The Great Cleve Jones, appeared on Anderson Cooper 360 the day before the vote in New York was announced, to discuss the recent revelation of a questionnaire President Obama filled in out in 1996 checking off a box indicating that he fully supported gay marriage and would fight efforts to prohibit it.

"This is not the way to energize the base, he is definitely behind the curve," Jones said, of the President's continued opposition to gay marriage. "The evolution of the country on this issue is proceeding at a far more rapid rate than his own, so I'm concerned about it. This visit to New York, given the situation there right now, I think puts him in a very difficult position."

And as Cleve said two years ago on the night that the people of Maine approved the callous ballot initiative "true equality can only come from the Federal Government." The fight is far from over. It must be taken from coast to coast. And The Ministry of General Mayhem will continue to fight this battle which must be won both amongst the American people as well as in the ultimate repealing of DOMA. Then and only then will we see the truest equality for our LGBT allies and a more complete nation than we've ever had before. New York has taken a magnificent step for this movement, it truly is only a matter of time... deep in our hearts... we do believe...

- The Mayhem Ministry Press

Grand Minister Mobilizes GATO Forces!!!/Calls For Glitterbombings Nationwide!!!/Ministry Defends Hilarity of Attacks!!!/Albany May See Next Strike!!!

2011-06-20T22:39:00.005-04:00

The Grand Minister today invoked the epic grandiosity of his Ministerial post to mobilize GATO, the Gay Activism & Tactics Organization, and soon launch a full-scale glitter assault on marriage equality opponents nationwide!!!

After several focused attacks by various pro-equality splinter groups along the campaign trails of homophobic Republican candidates, The Ministry of General Mayhem is now escalating the conflict and calling for all-out unilateral glitterbombings across the country. Marriage Equality has always been a flagship issue for Grand Minister Adams' administration, in line with The Ministry's 100 years of championing Gay Rights domestically and abroad, and these Glitterbombings will no doubt take this shit to the next level.

Master Admiral George Takei, who will be leading the GATO strikes, knew this day would come.

"We have exhausted all negotiations with the homophobic establishment, which up til now have been carried out without the use of glitter," Adm. Takei said. "Now it is simply a fact that they have presented us with a landscape where glitter is necessary... and frankly... I'm absolutely THRILLED about it... Ohhhhhhhhhh my!!!"

1st Officer, Funk Master Flex, is prepared to drop bombs.

"Yeah THAT'S RIGHT, baby! HOT 97! Funk Flex droppin Glitterbombs on the track! Marriage Equality in the building! History!! It's goin DOWN!" 1st Officer Flex said.

While always optimistic about the movement, Grand Minister Adams has assured Gov. Cuomo that if the vote to legalize Gay Marriage and ensure Marriage Equality in the Grand Minister's homestate of New York fails to pass, then Albany will become the first city to feel the sparkle-magic wrath of Glitter Armageddon '11.

Though some Mayhemers have challenged whether these operations hold true to The Ministry's Acceptable Protest Procedures of non-violent peaceful dissent, The Ministry responded earlier today in a statement:

"We at The Ministry have consulted our own Ministry legal representatives and concluded that the Glitterbombing is well within the bounds of our Acceptable Protest Procedures. The article in question clearly states that when it comes to 'direct human-to-oppressor protest the form of protest is acceptable so long as it does not cause any bodily harm to the oppressor and/or it's hilarious.' As always, The Ministry only condones the use of glitter constructed from recycled natural materials and/or animal parts."

As The Ministry's Sparkle Blimp Armada amasses on the shores of Brooklyn, hovering high above the rooftops of Coney Island, with one wave of the Grand Minister's hand he could send a torrent of fabulosity northward to bury Albany in an ocean of shimmering shards, rather than its current sea of simmering sharts, and a glimmering harbinger of equality and justice for the undeniable future of our nation entire.

-

The Mayhem Ministry Press

The Massachusetts Mid-Afternoon Stroll of Sarah Palin and Her Thoughts On Paul Revere's Midnight Ride

2011-06-17T15:30:00.000-04:00

OFFICIAL MINISTRY MEMO ATTACHED

To: The Ministry High Command
From: Surgeon General Reskew's Ministry Office
Albany, NY
June the 17th 2011
2:32 PM EST

Comrades,

I know that we said we wouldn't do this. We agreed long ago that it would be best to just let it go. But under these circumstances, it may be best for us all to take the opportunity to express our feelings about recent Sarah Palin developments. As a trained clinical psychologist, it is my professional opinion that we should not harbor our feelings inside. For our health, I think we should get it all out then let things go as we previously have.

I have written my own thoughts attached to this memo. Please feel free to add your own thoughts and pass to the next office or department when you are finished.

Yours in Mayhem,

Dr. Elkan Reskew, Psy. D.

Previously, senior members of the Ministry had decided to avoid using Sarah Palin as a focus of anyone's energy. No energy spent on thoughts related to her, no writing Ministry pieces on her, or getting upset about things that she says. After all, Palin likes to play the victim, and none of us here at The Ministry want to help her do that.

At the time, I agreed, however felt a little uneasy about it. Ultimately, I agreed it would be best since at the time (and we'll see if now is any different) it seemed like she was like the Phalanx from the 1992 X-Men animated series (as seen on Disc 1 of Season 5 on Netflix, Episode 67 and 68 titled "The Phalanx Covenant - 2 parts") or available now streaming at Marvel's Official Website.

The parallel I am drawing between The Phalanx and Palin is only that at one point The Phalanx seemed unconquerable no matter what was thrown at it. In fact, it instead became stronger.

Palin would stand up to being faced with information that suggests (and I am using that word generously) that she does not know much about American history or politics. When she was asked who her favorite founding father was, she said "All of them." When she was asked what newspapers she reads she said "All of them." When she was asked what the vice president does, she did not know. SHE WAS ON THE TICKET FOR A JOB THAT SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND, WHO DOES THAT? I'VE NEVER APPLIED FOR JOB I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND!!!

Even though she had so many embarrassing moments, (or what should have been an embarrassing cascade of moments for her) in the Twilight Zone society we have growing, it seemed as if the more offensive or just incorrect statement she made, the more popular she became.

It is my opinion, many people might like her because often when people say rude things to her she seems to usually respond in a way that makes her look better than she would if she responded in fear, much like when a bully makes fun of you on the playground. If you respond like that person has no power over you, it puts you in a better position than if you cower in fear. So as these silly things have continued and Sarah Palin has displayed her ineptitude for holding any political office, The Ministry has been silent. I have been silent.

But this just takes the cake for me right now.

Recently Palin, on her non-press seeking tour of the USA from a USA pimped out bus that says "Follow us on Twitter" (but no, that's definitely not seeking press or attention) she visited a historical monument where she learned nothing about Paul Revere.

Instead, she said this:

It sounds like she was making it up as she went along.

And then later said this:

Palin, as you had heard I'm sure, says she was asked a Gotcha question, meaning that it was unfair somehow. The question was "What have you seen today, and what will you take away from your visit."

This makes me upset, and saddened, and feels a little more close to home than some of her other offensive comments.

One of my relatives is a descendent of Paul Revere and in addition I had seen artwork of Paul Revere's Ride hanging on the wall in my kitchen as I grew up as a kid. I learned who Paul Revere was when I was in first grade. It looked like this, minus my arrows (the Red Coats are hard to see on this copy).

Now, I'm not perfect. I don't know everything. But this was a simple story, and she was simply wrong.

But apparently, some don't see it that way. It's not just her. There are some that for whatever reason, some are not sure how the story goes. I've heard people argue about Revere's BAC count that night, and they cast doubt on aspects of the story, but never such a blatant mistake. He wasn't warning the British.

This is not confusing.

It was not "The colonists are coming! The colonists!" or Revere riding to the British troops saying "I'm warning you British, you are not going to take our arms away, we're pretty scrappy us Yankees, so.... there..... yeah!"

There are several things that add to my feelings of sadness, humor, and anger:

1. She was clearly wrong
2. She either is sticking to her story, or really thinks she's got it correct.
3. If she wasn't taught this or learned this as a kid, wasn't she just at a Paul Revere exhibit? Did she pay attention??

From one of the YouTube videos a comment was posted:

"Boston University history professor Brendan McConville said, 'Basically when Paul Revere was stopped by the British, he did say to them, ‘Look, there is a mobilization going on that you’ll be confronting,’ and the British are aware as they’re marching down the countryside, they hear church bells ringing — she was right about that — and warning shots being fired. That’s accurate.'..............Do some homework next time. Save urself the embarrassment"

Even if after Revere was caught, he said any semblance of "Hey British, we're gonna fight you" that's not what she described.

BEING MORE GENEROUS THAN I SHOULD (because I like to be fair, but more so that it makes me so sad to hear things like this): Maybe that's closer to what she was trying to say? I think it's more plausible that she heard some different facts and then just jumbled them up in her mind. Which means that she does not know her history well enough.

Okay, you know what? As Jared says to me on occasions, "Enough with the psychologist bullshit!!!" She was just straight up wrong. Paul revere was not there to warn the British. I mean, it sounds like she thinks the British were coming to remove weapons from the colonists. And that is NOT what was happening.

Now to be fair, I have checked to see whether I have been wrong about Paul Revere ever since I asked my parents about the painting in my kitchen. According to the Paul Revere House, where I assume she just visited, tells no story or holds any information about Revere warning the British.

This is an accurate description according to the Massachusetts Historical Society:

"Upon reaching Charlestown, Revere obtained a horse from friends and set off for Lexington through Cambridge, but encountering several British soldiers, he was forced to elude them and ride instead through Medford. He alerted almost every house along the way that the British forces were assembled and marching. After reaching Lexington and warning Adams and Hancock, Revere and Dawes, joined by Samuel Prescott, decided to ride for Concord and alert the minutemen as they went. Revere was captured by British officers on the way but later released, whereupon he returned to Lexington in time to witness the opening volleys of the Revolutionary War."

There are mainly three accounts from Revere about his Midnight Ride. These were primary accounts. What is said to be the most complete copy is in a letter from Paul Revere to Jeremy Belknap. In this letter Revere fills most pages of his letter to Belknap (pages 2-6) with the description of his ride. He writes of avoiding British soldiers and reaching Lexington, where he conveyed information to Hancock and Adams and where he met up with William Dawes. After Revere and Dawes set off for Concord, they were joined by Samuel Prescott, who helped them "alarm all the inhabitants." Revere's ride ended when he was captured by British soldiers, interrogated, and eventually released in Lexington in time to hear the opening shots of the Revolutionary War.

"Never retreat, reload" Palin had said before during a spike in uncivil uproar when Obamacare was being discussed in more fervor. She always holds that attitude - don't get me wrong, persistence is an important thing. I would not have what I have in my life without it, I have had to persevere and refuse to give up. But If I realize I'm wrong, I'm wrong, and that is the time to withdraw. You can't make something true by repeating it. At least, that is how it should be.

You'd at least have to modify the Wikipedia page first to make sure you are now correct. (Wikipedia locked the Paul Revere page because people were trying to modify it after this story broke.)

Now I have been open about this: I have friends, good friends, people I care about, people who work hard, who happen to like Palin. Usually I hear that people like her because of her personality, because she has an attitude that says "I won't be bullied and I won't back down." To her personality I say: whatever, like her if you want, but how can you possibly argue that she is someone who could be a legitimate candidate or has the knowledge necessary to hold any American political office? She has not simply made one incorrect statement, it's been several displays of her lack of political or historical awareness.

Now if she were a chemist, then I'd say: well, she should know better, but at least she's contributing to society with whatever she is doing with Chemistry. If politics, whether it be by political office or being a political commentator, you should know some things about our history. The many comments I mentioned Palin making earlier are akin to me saying depression means you're happy all the time. I've studied psychology, and should be able to make a much more accurate description on the fly.

Can people pppppllleeeeeaaassseeeeeeee stop looking to her for ANY legitimate answers on political or historical or in any way important issues? I'd really like her nonsense to stop.

Either that or give her a comedy show on the history channel, where she tours America with Larry the Cable Guy. But actually, scratch that, I feel like it would end with Larry being annoyed, and even though I'm not a big fan of him, I wouldn't want to put him through it.

-

Dr. Elkan Reskew, Psy.D.
Surgeon General of Pyschotic Analysis and Human Disservices
Albany, NY
June the 17th 2011
3:30 PM EST

Grand Minister Adams Forms Exploratory Committee!!!/Vows To Seek Presidency in 2012!!!/ NY Marriage Equality IMMINENT!!!/Weiner Resigns!!!

2011-06-16T22:56:00.002-04:00

In a rare Midnite Address, delivered in the midst of his regular drinking hours, Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams in a shocking turn of events announced that he was forming an exploratory committee to seek the Presidency in 2012.

The Grand Minister's address, initially believed to be made solely to reassure Mayhemers that despite earlier reports to the contrary he would not yield to the pressures of the current political climate by voting for a major-party candidate, set off a worldwide whirlwind of an uproar in the speech's final moments when Adams uttered these already-historic words:

"I find the stakes far too dire to not make an even more grandiose statement this time around, one that shall properly encapsulate the era-defining devastation we now face and the proper measured response to that overwhelming opposition to myself, my people and my world. It is in this way that I have come to realize... that I must now seek the office of President of these United States of America..."

The announcement initiated shockwaves of ecstasy amongst anti-capitalists, anarchists, socialists, LGBT groups, feminists, anti-war collectives, eco-warriors and the greater leftist community. MoveOn.org called the news "a revelation," while GLAAD, Greenpeace, CodePink and the Human Rights Campaign all announced their support for Adams.

Chief Drunken Communist Secretary General of Foreign Affairs with an Accent, Colum O'Connolly, met with reporters at his Ministry office in western Pennsylvania today to address this massive development at The Ministry.

"Obviously, there are several constitutional amendments that we will need to see passed in order to make the Grand Minister's candidacy viable," the Secretary General said. "But we've already begun talks with current and former lawmakers who have wanted to see the archaic requirements for candidacy updated for some time and we're confident that we can see them through before the Grand Minister would assume office."

The All The Fucking Time News Cycle of the American Mainstream Media, which usually ignores the existence of any political figures considered to the left of Mitt Romney, had no choice but to cover this massive development as The Ministry's ever-expanding popularity in the public has reached a fever pitch in recent weeks. The media's response was a mixed bag of treatsies.

In an op-ed this morning, Katrina Vanden Heuvel, Mayhem-supporter and editor of Minsitry-fave publication The Nation, speculated on the Grand Minister's ultimate strategy in making his presidential run.

"The Ministry has consistently demonstrated two of its primary motives to be: the erosion of the establishment status quo and a radical reformation of our current political system," Vanden Heuvel said. "An endorsement from Adams would have handed Obama another landslide victory; instead, the Grand Minister has, I believe, opted to redirect all staunch progressives' votes, so as to prepare the 2016 landscape for a true revolution."

George Will, conservative windbag and frequent Ministry critic, wrote in this morning's Washington Post op-ed:

"This is a truly aggressive powerplay by Adams," Will said. "It's clear that he hopes to use his unique and increasingly broad leverage in the progressive movement, both domestically and abroad, to put pressure on the Obama administration to move even further to the left throughout its re-election campaign."

FOX News afternoon host Glenn Beck provided his usual sound, soothing, reasonable assessment of current events.

"THE PROPHECY IS BEING MADE FLESH!!!" Glenn Beck said. "THE APOCALYPTIC ANARCHIST ANTI-CHRIST WILL RIDE INTO OUR SACRED CHAMBERS ON THE BACKS OF GAY COMMUNIST NARWHALS AS HE CASTS CANADIAN BLACK MAJICK FROM HIS SCEPTER AND POSTS PHOTOS OF IT TO HIS TWITPIX ACCOUNT!!!! IT'S HERE!!! IT'S HERE!!! JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU!!!! (well...I guess I thought he'd be black...but...) I TRIED TO WARN YOU!!! THIS SHIT WAS ON MY BLACKBOARD!!!! I TOLD YOU!!! I TOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDD YOUUUUUUUUUUUU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Grand Minister Adams was unavailable for comment, as per usual, as The Ministry confirmed his departure north for Albany, shortly after making his announcement, where he will crash at Surgeon General Dr. Elkan Reskew's crib before joining the good doctor and many other gay marriage advocates this week in drumming up the final vote required to pass Gov. Andrew Cuomo's marriage equality legislation in the State Senate this Friday. The measure passed the Assembly this morning.

The Mayhem Ministry Press did speak to Dr. Elkan Reskew earlier this morning, in his latest weekly MMP Skype interview, and the good doctor did confirm that the Grand Minister was called by embattled friend Congressman Anthony Weiner last night shortly before announcing his candidacy and that Weiner informed Adams at that time that he would be resigning the following morning.

"I honestly can't speak to what kind of effect Weiner's resignation had on the Grand Minister's decision to run for president," Dr. Reskew said. "But I can tell you that he's not taking the resignation... especially well..."

Grand Minister Adams had indisputably held the title of Congressman Weiner's most vocal supporter since the scandal broke. The following update was made to the Grand Minister's personal Twitter account shortly after the Congressman's official announcement broke:

While the Grand Minister cuts the losses to the leftist movement, he is being given little time for mourning as his weekend schedule will take him from Albany Friday evening back to Brooklyn where he will preside as Grand Marshal of Coney Island's Mermaid Parade before sailing up to Vermont for a private conference with Sen. Bernie Sanders. Monday morning will see the Grand Minister flying into LAX to meet with another major liberal force in the 2012 election throwing massive support behind his presidential run: Hollywood.

Though the Grand Minister officially broke with much of Hollywood's most powerful over their support for Roman Polanski in early 2010, The Ministry enjoys wild popularity with the vast majority of Hollywood players and Tinsel Town is reveling in the news as the Grand Minister embarks on this latest venture.

One of the most excited of all is Alec Baldwin, long-time Ministry supporter and possible candidate for NYC mayor, who in recent days became a fellow target of BIG Mayhem mastermind Andrew Breitbart whom Baldwin accurately dubbed "D-Bag-In-Chief." The 30 Rock star lauded the Grand Minister's decision to make a presidential run.

"I think he's fabulous," Baldwin said.

- The Mayhem Ministry Press

Midnite Mayhem Mitigation: Grand Minister's Address on the 2012 Presidential Election

2011-06-16T00:18:00.012-04:00

Dearest Friends in Mayhem,

There is a deeply troubling matter that has very recently come to light, for all of you as well as for myself. In the interest of full-transparency, which has served as a staunch policy of The Ministry of General Mayhem from day one over 100 years ago, I have made it a benchmark of my administration as Grand Minister for General Mayhem to meet all challenges to the inner-workings of The Ministry head on.

I wish to continue the maintenance of this policy tonite.

Recent reports of my crisis of resolve would indicate to many Mayhemers that my allegiances are wavering. The stories from my homebase of Brooklyn, NY announcing my intention to cast my 2012 vote for a centrist candidate from a member of the singular dominant political party, the Business Party, of which there are two superficial farcical factions, named Democratic and Republican, have spread like wildfire in an extremely short amount of time.

While I would dispute the notion that my allegiance to our movement could ever EVER waver, that it is FUCKING INSANITY to even suggest so, in the aforementioned interest of oft-mentioned full-transparency, I do not dispute the reports that I have recently struggled with an intention to vote for the re-election of President Obama in 2012.

Such a vote would defy everything I have ever stood for. Such a vote would cast Mayhem by the wayside and violate all for which I have fought and suffered. Such a vote, though cast out of the deepest desire to see my country rescued from a Republican House majority that would allow this nation to default on its debt no matter what the consequences, no matter how unforgiving the wasteland that would follow, though ultimately handing executive power back to the sibling "party" of the same anti-American scourge.

All of this, I now realize.

I now realize that a vote for this man, this man whose policies I have opposed since before he was elected, who continues to cripple this country, who engages us in unconstitutional altercations overseas, who prepares to sell it away as his conservative counterparts would see fit, no matter how altruistic and self-sacrificing my motivation for such a vote would be, I now realize that that vote would ultimately be infinitely the most detrimental to the cause for which we in Mayhem so strive. All would be undone. All would be cast away. They in the ruling elite would finally illicit the surrender for which they have so sought. And I refuse to give in to them.

I refuse to vote for Barack Obama.

Through the indispensable guidance of my most essential and brilliant advisers within the Mayhem High Command, I have recovered not only my senses but have gained a refurbished revamped restrengthened resolve overall. I take comfort in knowing that this moment of weakness puts me in greater solidarity with many leftists who have felt seduced by, and even fallen prey to, the wiles of Democratic candidates intent on advancing the universal monopoly of empire via the military industrial complex and the domestic corporation, and ultimately, told them to go fuck themselves.

And thus I am left with a seemingly impossible situation. While my first obvious and quite available option is to once again vote for a non-mainstream candidate, I find the stakes far too dire to not make an even more grandiose statement this time around, one that shall properly encapsulate the era-defining devastation we now face and the proper measured response to that overwhelming opposition to myself, my people and my world.

It is this way that I have come to realize... that I must now seek the office of President of these United States of America...

-

Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
Irving Bastion, Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY
June the 16th, 2011
12:47 AM EST

Grand Minister To Vote For Obama!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

2011-06-15T22:26:00.013-04:00

Anonymous sources are claiming that last nite in Williamsburg, Brooklyn the Grand Minister for General Mayhem was overheard in a backyard bar announcing his intentions to cast his vote for the Obama Regime in the impending 2012 Presidential Election.

These shocking reports clash with the Grand Minister's nearly two years of consistent condemnation of Obama's center-right agenda of corporatist/militaristic fucking around, since Adams assumed his role with The Ministry of General Mayhem in the Summer of 2009.

According to eyewitness accounts, a visibly inebriated Grand Minister loudly asserted that Far Right extremists in Congress had pushed him to abandon his usual vote of dissent cast in the name of a non-two-party candidate and instead grant his invaluable ballot to current President and Goldman-Sachs employee-of-the-month, Barack Obama.

Mayhemers worldwide were quick to react to these astounding developments.

"I'm truly destroyed by this news," a Ministry supporter in Barcelona told the MMP. "If this is true, I don't think I'll be able to handle it. How could anyone believe in The Ministry after this kind of betrayal?"

"He's gotta be fucking joking," a Wisconsin labor leader said. "I mean, Obama doesn't even pretend to be a friend to labor, but I thought our movement out here was important to the Grand Minister."

"My mother died in one of NATO's missile strikes," a young Libyan woman said. "How could the Grand Minister support a president who authorized this kind of senseless, horrific, illegal assault on my country?"

From exacerbating the Occupation of Afghanistan to meddling against Don't Ask Don't Tell repeal to the lack of regulation against Wall Street abuse to attack drones littered throughout the Middle East to surrendering to a Republican minority in Congress on Health Care Reform, just to name a few of Obama's follies, the Grand Minister has been a consistent critic of the Obama administration since it began, providing a stark contrast to Adams' own illustrious career of unbridled Mayhem.

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: The Mayhem Ministry Press has been alerted by Ministry aides that the Grand Minister has been in conferences with his advisers throughout the evening and has vowed to make an Emergency Midnite Mayhem Address on this matter.

We at The Mayhem Ministry Press can't fucking wait!

This oughta be good...

- The MMP

The Good Doctor Behind The Beard

2011-06-13T20:19:00.002-04:00

Photo taken from Skype Interview with Dr. Reskew with the Mayhem Minsitry Press Corps earlier this week.

As part of the Ministry Press Corps, we do our best to cover a range of stories instead of just responding to articles written on Smash the Ministry. However, from time to time we do so respond.

Recently, Andrew Breitbart presents BIG Mayhem published a personal attack on Dr. Reskew. The attack centered around Dr. Reskew's personal appearance and, more specifically, the beard he has been growing. The piece made several arguments against the good doctor stating that his appearance as well as relations with others are in rapid decline.

BIG Mayhem editor-in-chief, Tim Minor, who authored the piece, referred to what he called Dr. Reskew's "obvious decline in mental stability" citing the phrase "Crazy bearrrd foreverrrrrrrrr!" uttered at a leftist political rally in downtown Albany NY.

While the attack focused on Reskew, Minor threw some jabs towards the direction of Grand Minister Adams and Secretary General O'Connolly as well.

TODAY show style editor Bobbie Thomas said she wasn't surprised that Minor's piece chose to zero in on Dr. Reskew's beard.

"I wasn't surprised he chose not to focus on others changes in appearance in The Ministry," Thomas said. "O'Connolly's always chosen a clean-shaven professional appearance and the Grand Minister's Kevin Sorbo look has become more widely accepted."

In accordance with The Mayhem Ministry Press' mission statement to be as impartial as possible and provide checks and balances even with The Ministry when needed, this reporter investigated how other members of the ministry see Reskew's change in appearance over these last few months.

When asked about Reskew's comment, Ministry R&D Executive Aide, Shylah Addabley, who was present at the Albany rally said she "never felt this was something we should be concerned about." While shrugging her shoulders Addabley added "he also yells 'Aahhhhmerrrriiicccaaaaa' when he's in a good mood too. Yesterday he ran around the office because he thought he saw Dennis Kucinich in his oatmeal...you know... like when people see Jesus in their toast? We don't really ask questions."

Grand Minister Adams, who was found in one of The Ministry lounges, drinking Sierra Nevada Summerfests and playing SkiFree on his laptop, was asked for comment on BIG Mayhem's scathing report on Dr. Reskew.

"I have hair like Hercules," the Grand Minister said. "Really, it's a great show, you should watch it on NetFlix, they've got all the episodes on the instantly watchable section now. Even the TV movies that came out before the show started, like Hercules in the Maze of the Minotaur Hercules and the Amazon Women. Wait, what'd you ask me? You're not from the fucking MMP are you!?!?!?"

"He reminds me of a leprechaun," Secretary General O'Connolly said of Dr. Reskew.

While Grand Minister Adams was believed to be not really listening and this reporter is not sure what to make of the Secretary General's comment, there are those who are apparently fans of Reskew's Beard.

"Dr. Beardguy? Yeah man, his beard is awesome! I want to be like him," commented one of the Ministry's summer interns, while trying to photocopy his face in The Ministry's Grand Copy Room.

Other views are not as positive. Some others at The Ministry, who wish to remain anonymous, stated that they do not like the beard and have imagined shaving it off while Reskew is not looking.

In addition to the generally positive consensus amongst Reskew's colleagues, many have noticed that Reskew and the Ministry's relationships with other organizations have not been impacted

BIG Mayhem's screed brought up concerns from other celebrities, like Stephen Colbert, claiming that Colbert was using fighting words against Reskew.

To confirm or dismiss these comments, The Mayhem Ministry Press contacted Colbert.

"Word had gotten to me that Reskew was placing a few flags in his office," Colbert said. "And if there are two things I don't like, I do not like it when people use my image without my permission and I do not like people copying me. So at first I was upset that he may be trying to copy me, which like I've said, I DO NOT appreciate. However, I met him, he explained the flags, which is a whole other story. He's a not a bad guy, everything between us is all alright."

We wanted to find out from Minsitry ally and friend to Dr. Reskew, Katy Perry how the pop superstar feels about the subject as well.

"I don't really like the beard, but I don't hate it and I do like the Minstry," Perry said. "I came to stop by the offices in New York since I was close by and know that Dr. Reskew is a really big fan. I bumped into him a year or two ago on the Long Island shoreline - when he was clean shaven."

Of course we arranged an interview with Reskew to get his feelings on the entire issue, which was recently dubbed Beardgate in the media.

"Honestly, I was watching the episode of Family Guy where Peter Griffin grows a beard and an endangered bird lives in his beard and I literally said 'I can do that, It'll be great' aloud." says Reskew.

"So much of what BIG Mayhem said was uncalled for," Reskew continued. "And the only people who ever really sometimes wear Birkenstocks at The Ministry is that new intern who calls me Beardguy and Turk, of course. And I hesitate to even mention Turk. I'm still mad about that."

Reskew says this is not the first beard he has grown. On the accusations that beards are revolting to women, Reskew stated "as long as I can remember, people have always been vocal about how they feel about my hair or facial hair. The beard has been popular with some, and not others. I mean, Kesha likes my beard, she says so at the end of her hit song 'Your love is my Drug'... I was in the studio for that session..."

"The same people who have strong feelings about whether I have a long beard or not are the same who have strong feelings about whether my head hair should be short or long," Reskew went on. "In fact, Breitbart's people are not the first to be so rude. Some people are very blunt about what they think in regards to facial hair. Sometimes, however, I have conversations like this:

"In either case, I don't really care," Dr. Reskew said. "Ultimately, and more importantly, it's about what I want. Right now, I want a beard. I think that fortunately, most people will accept me for who I am, not for what kind of facial hair I keep."

When asked about why Reskew has let the beard grow as it has, Reskew said "It's really great. When I grow my beard out I don't have to worry about putting sun lotion on my face, the beard protects my skin. "

Reskew ended our conversation with something of a challenge to BIG Mayhem.

"If a beard is such a symbol of personal decline, and I don't want to bring religion into this, but I think they're being hypocritical. The piece said that anyone who has a beard is showing signs of being on the fringes of society. Jesus had a beard, my friend! Jesus had a beard! What about that?"

What about Jesus?

- THE MAYHEM MINISTRY PRESS

Breitbart Takes Control of SMASH The Ministry!!!/BIG Mayhem Attacks Reskew!!!/Ministry Commission on Uganda Affair Readies Report!!!/Leaks Aplenty!!!

2011-06-13T13:05:00.002-04:00

In a staggering development of shocking extremities, blockbuster conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart announced this morning that he had purchased the hallowed web domain of anti-TMoGM organization Smash The Ministry and had reformed it as a new Breitbart website! The media mogul made the announcement via the very launch of this latest website, Andrew Breitbart presents BIG Mayhem.

Through BIG Mayhem's launch announcement, Breitbart vowed to provide "relentless monitoring of all actions of the radical far-leftist organizing collective, The Ministry of General Mayhem," as well as including full-coverage "of all public appearances by The Ministry High Command, all Ministry press releases, round-the-clock coverage of Ministry members' Twitter accounts as well as every last piece of information sent out by the radical organization."

(We here at The Mayhem Ministry Press like to think that we do a fairly decent job of this already....)

BIG Mayhem's launch is believed to be a retaliatory measure as Breitbart's bold move comes mere days after Grand Minister Adams passionately confirmed his support for embattled friend and political ally Anthony Weiner in Queens on Friday. During his "sidewalk-conference" with the Press, the Grand Minister assured the reporters that "the gauntlet had been thrown" in reference to Breitbart's obsessive, relentless, ongoing coverage of Congressman Weiner's online photo scandal. The Grand Minister went on to discuss what he suspected to be some of Breitbart's true motives for collecting Weiner's penis photos, which included Breitbart's plans to have his penis remodeled after the Congressman's.

While initially stressing his intention to unequivocally remain in office, reports from The Daily News late last nite that Weiner may now be considering resignation prompted Adams to step up his support for the Congressman. While leading a Pro-Weiner Rally in Forest Hills, Queens this afternoon, the Grand Minister told the Press, "if you were to ask me... whether or not I'd prefer that the current Democratic leadership... and the 99% of so-called Democrats currently cow-towing to conservative corporatist interests in all of Congress... all lose their seats to representatives with both Weiner's convictions and their own respective nude pics floating around the internet... you'd best believe I'd say yes in a fucking heartbeat..."

In his aforementioned meet-and-greet with the Press, when asked why he had opted to pledge personal support rather than the report of the entire Ministry, the Grand Minister replied that "the rest of The Ministry High Command is not in full accordance on this issue."

While the Grand Minister hadn't specified which members had declined support for Weiner, Chief Drunken Communist Secretary General of Foreign Affairs with an Accent, Colum O'Connolly released the following statement via his Facebook page yesterday evening:

"Public representatives should be held to a higher standard, not a lower one. Regardless of how much they fight to help a cause I believe in, some things are unacceptable, and merit resignation."

The statement set off a firestorm of comments from shocked Mayhemers worldwide flooding The Ministry mail services long into the night and continuing up until this moment. As the Secretary General did not mention Congressman Weiner's name in the statement, many of the nation and world's Mayhemers are reportedly holding out hope that O'Connolly was actually referring to David Vitter.

UPDATE: BIG Mayhem has just moments ago released it's first attack piece on The Ministry of General Mayhem, surprisingly aimed at Surgeon General, Dr. Elkan Reskew!

Check back with The Mayhem Ministry Press for a full report on this bullshit move!!!

ADDITIONAL UPDATE!!!!: The Ministry Uganda Affair Commission has just announced that it has completed debriefings of all Ministry Officials involved in the TOP SECRET Uganda Affair of this past winter. The operation which culminated in the rescue of longtime M.I.A. Ministry comrade Turk Von Hasselhoff was accomplished in a lengthy covert operation, the land mission of which has remained shrouded in mystery for months (while the sea portion of the mission has been well-documen- ...uh.... well... it's been documented).

The UAC has vowed to release the report ASAP!

And lastly, if perhaps not least importantly, we at The Mayhem Ministry Press are exceptionally pleased to announce that this marks our 150th post since our 11th Grand Minister for General Mayhem, His Eminence Jared W. Adams assumed his most prestigious and dignified office here at The Ministry of General Mayhem.

We would like to thank Surgeon General of Pyschotic Analysis and Human Disservices, Dr. Elkan Reskew, Psy. D. "the good doctor" who has been energetically involved in helping maintain the mental and physical well-being of the entirety of the Ministry staff as well as being actively involved in assisting the MMP in maintaining journalistic purity whilst remaining within the realm of far-left radical propagandizing.

We would like to thank Chief Drunken Communist Secretary General of Foreign Affairs with an Accent, Daniel O'Connolly who has provided a steadfast guiding light for The Ministry at large, an unwavering commitment to true democracy and social justice as well as acted as a reliable liaison to The Mayhem Ministry Press ever since the day he took his most essential and proud office.

And we would like to thank The Grand Minister for General Mayhem for his continually veiled support as he continues to energize us with his consistent constructive criticisms of The MMP as "a never-ending disappointment," a "rag to end all rags," and, of course, "a shitstain in the pristine panties of good journalism."

To all Ministry officers, in every bureau of this proud organization, the archivists, the anarchists, the researchers, the developers, the aides, the analysts, the panelists, the counselors, the artists, the drug smugglers, the cooks, the bakers, the candlestick makers, the outcasts, OutKast, the marine biologists, the technicians, the brewers, the computer engineers, the platypus, the getaway drivers, the animal-handlers, the degenerates, the disreputable, the radicals, the rabble-rousers.

And most of all, we thank you, dearest Mayhemers.

Mayhem within.

Mayhem abounds.

Mayhem Forever.

- THE MAYHEM MINISTRY PRESS

The finest and most respected source of radical leftist propaganda since 1909

MEMO FROM THE GRAND MINSITER: These jackals have still got me by the balls...

Grand Minister Adams Goes To Queens, Meets With Press, Stands By Weiner, The Block Is Hot

2011-06-10T17:02:00.006-04:00

Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams was ambushed by reporters this morning as he left the Queens home of embattled friend and congressman Anthony Weiner. The highest-ranking member of The Ministry of General Mayhem vowed he would not let Weiner down in what is the most high-profile show of support for the troubled Congressman since the revelations of his online-sex scandal were revealed Monday.

The Grand Minister, who is known for being relentlessly truculent with the mainstream media, surprisingly agreed to speak to the battalion of over 50 reporters after making them follow him five blocks to the nearest bodega, asserting he would need "at least a 12-pk of PBR and a bottle of Cavit" before he would be mentally-prepared to speak to "you ravenous cock-mavens."

No stranger to scandal, Grand Minister Adams was prodded by reporters as Weiner's sole counselor in this most difficult of times. Leaning against the wall outside the Empire Deli on Austin Street, swigging intermittently from cans pulled from the PBR case he held at his side, the Grand Minister fielded questions over the so-called "Weinergate" from reporters.

The Mayhem Ministry Press has assembled the following transcript of the altercation:

OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT
file under "Weinergate"
Grand Minister Adams Meets the Press
Forest Hills, Queens, NY
11:24 AM EST

Alright you fucktards, let's get this shit over with, it's hot as balls out here and The Ministry's got a lot on my agenda today, plus I despise all of you... WAIT! Is anybody from The Nation here? Anybody? ...oh right... they only cover news stories...

What were you doing at the Congressman's house, Grand Minister??

Anthony's been a close friend of mine ever since I took up residence in Brooklyn last year and we had a sleepover.... I was visiting a friend who's going through a tough time.

Did you two do any sexting at all??

Oh hey! The Daily News is here! Why would we sext, homie? We were in the same room!

Was Huma at the house?

Are you fucking serious??? She's in Abu Dhabi with Clinton you fucking moron! JESUS FUCK! You're the news for christsakes!!!! READ THE FUCKING NEWS!!! Anybody here who isn't on their first fucking day??!

How do you justify backing Weiner?

Oh that's easy! I've supported him for well over a decade now, for his steadfast support of Mayhem on nearly every issue, from worker's rights to women's rights to gay rights to Iraq troop withdrawal, gun control, opposing the Patriot Act, it goes on and on and on. We'll probably never see eye to eye on baseball, but hey, nobody's perfect.

I meant, how do you justify CONTINUING to back him now?

For what reason are you insinuating I'd feel conflicted?

For his sexual indiscretions, of course.

Oh... I'm sorry... Hi, I'm Jared W. Adams, the FUCKING Grand Minister for General FUCKING Mayhem. You must've thought you were talking to Pat Robertson or the Pope or Martin Bashir or some other bathshit delusional hack who sees himself as a moral authority. I look forward to the day when anyone judging others in accordance with Judeo-Christian values is laughed out of the room.

But Grand Minister-

There is no moral authority. There is no supreme path of righteousness. There are only the laws of science, the laws of the people, the laws of our justice system, the laws of human rights and anything outside of that is a matter of personal preference that none of us have any place passing judgment on and which has no bearing on a politician's ability to do his fucking job.

But don't you think that-

You show me the top motherfucker in Congress with the cleanest, tamest, Brady Bunch-esque private life and I'll show you a million fucking ways he hasn't done 1/10th as much for the American people as Anthony Weiner has.

But Grand Minist-

WHAT!?!?!?

But what of his engaging in sexual improprieties and the ramifications that has on his political viability?

...where were you? Are you serious? Did you just get here? Do you know how ridiculous you sound? How ridiculous all of you sound?

It was sexual! ...SEXUAL!

Perhaps to the hideous horde of lames I see gathered here before me, this would be something that you people would consider the pinnacle of "sexual," but in MY line of thinking, sex is something that must involve, at the very least, some actual physical contact with at least one other person... sometimes more than one other person... and the wondrous ecstatic events that transpire from there... this was nothing more than my man typing some naughty words, sending some naughty pictures and quite possibly masturbating.

Have you ever engaged in sexting?

Of course I have! I highly recommend it! Everyone should sext.

Have you ever sent a picture of your... penis over the internet?

I've attempted to, on several occasions, but I need a much larger lens for my camera-phone. I'm looking into it.

But what of Weiner's 10 days of lying to the Press?

Fuck the Press! Fuck y'all! I'm lying to you now!

But what of his 10 days of lying to his constituents?

Anthony Weiner did lie, he's needlessly admitted as much, and that's now an established fact. But he lied about something that he was not required by any legitimate authority to tell the truth about. The entity that did require him to reveal the truth is this foul odious invasive modern monstrosity that the entire nation has plugged itself into and all of you shitheads perpetuate. This age of entitlement where we have all been convinced that we deserve to know every last fuckall thing about everyone at every moment of every day! And that goes beyond public figures to even every last private citizen as well! We are taking the great tools that this era of social networking has granted us and we're turning them on ourselves.

The people are not a legitimate authority?

When it comes to personal matters committed within the bounds of the law NO! The only legitimate authority here, is a brilliant BRILLIANT political mind, a truly ferocious force of nature and NO I won't be fielding ANY questions on her, is Huma. This is between a man and his wife and when it comes to anyone's marriage, it's no one's business but that of the husband and wife involved.

Do you know the sex of the baby?

Get fucked.

Why is are you only pledging personal support rather than the full support of the entire Ministry?

Because the rest of The Ministry High Command is not in full accordance on this issue.

Do you think Weiner will ultimately keep his House seat?

If it remains up to him and the voters of New York's 9th district, then yes. If the fascist powers that be redistrict him out, then that's out of his hands and the hands of the people and it's tough to tell what these desperate motherfuckers in the party will push for.

What about the Ethics Investigation?

What about it? They won't find shit. Plus may I say that it's pretty fucking rich that it was launched by Nancy Pelosi, one of the biggest fucking liars in the history of Congress. They'll find nothing. No laws were broken here. No House rules were broken. In fact, the only House rule Weiner's ever broken is the unspoken one of "sit down, shut up and go with the flow." It's because he broke that rule, consistently and from early on in his career, that he finds himself with few allies in Congress now. He was too radical, too forward-thinking, too passionate and one of the only members of Congress worth a shit. It's why they've all abandoned him now and it's why he finds me as an unwavering and steadfast comrade in this darkest of hours.

But he did lie, bald-faced, for an extended period of time. How can people trust him as a lawmaker after that?

What you are doing, ABC News mailroom attendant, as many have done, is draw a false-equivalency with no factual basis whatsoever. Show me a single shred of evidence indicating that he lied about anything relevant to his work in Congress and I'll be with you. Until then, stick to the fucking script.

But aren't you simply defending another liberal politician against all odds and evidence because of The Ministry's political leanings?

You oughta get your fucking facts straight before you throw out bullshit accusations like that. I've always been 100% up front on my liberal bias, it's the greatest source of pride for me and I earn that shit, unlike you centrist bastards who suck whatever dick your bosses tell you to. But never ever do my sympathies prevent me from calling out any lawmaker when they've truly fallen into corruption. I'd supported Charlie Rangel for even longer than Weiner, I truly believed in the guy and once considered him one of the greatest politicians of all time. Once I was certain he'd done all he'd been accused of I dropped him and never looked back. And on the opposite side of the spectrum, when Gawker published that disgusting piece about Christine O'Donnell there were pictures and a sexual story and I said that was a shitty thing to do, all of you unanimously said it was a shitty thing to do. Why isn't this a shitty thing to do to Weiner? Because he's married? Because he's got a Y chromosome? What? Once again: not our fucking call. He broadcasted that one picture when he meant to send it to one person and he fucked up big time. That was his fuckup. But we should all be looking down on the people who pushed this story along and brought forward pictures and stories that he divulged to them in confidence. There's your fucking moral lesson right there.

Grand Minister Adams, are you saying that if The Ministry came into the possession of damning evidence of a conservative politician engaging in similar improprieties that evidence would not be released?

If some dude sent me a naked picture of Michele Bachmann and said that she sent it to him with a whole litany of sexy talk, not only would I unfortunately need to take a blowtorch to both eyeballs, but I would then destroy the picture and never speak or think of it for the rest of my days. To publish that shit would be among the most despicable fucked up things I could possibly do.

I would guess you don't have an especially high opinion of Andrew Breitbart.

The gauntlet has been thrown...

What does that mean?

That's all.

Really?

...

You have nothing more to say about him?

Well.... I planned on going for the dramatic, but since you insist: Breitbart held on to Weiner's cock shot for 1 of or both of 2 reasons... 1) because it was the only thing that could get Breitbart aroused... and 2) because he's planning to remodel his now inverted member after Anthony Weiner's and was saving the picture for his plastic surgeon to reference.

That's more like it!

Yeah, that felt more real.

Well, I think I can say that we at CNN and everyone here truly appreciates you agreeing to talk to us and being so open and receptive to the questioning.

Fuck you...

Beg pardon?

Fuck All of you... I was reading a USA Today article the other day, which provided isn't a newspaper...

HEY!!!

And in it they compare Anthony to Dominique Strauss-Khan... a whole host of others I don't even need to mention... because they compared him to an accused rapist...

Grand Minsiter-

DON'T interrupt me, motherfucker! ...a rapist... unbelievable... and you're the ones judging a man's honesty... publicly flagellating him when he doesn't live up to your alleged standards? You excuse the lies of politicians that work in your favor and make you stronger, while only publicizing the lies that get you ratings and serve your interests and take down the ones that don't get with the program... same as the Democrats and the Republicans do... the fucking Dems were content to have Weiner out front busting his ass as their resident televised liberal, convincing those who wish their party was still on the Left that there's hope it will be again, and then kicking him to the curb in hard times because he doesn't serve their ultimate purpose: to be a Republican Party by a different brand name. But you... all you motherfuckers... you all lie constantly... and not about the tame shit that doesn't make a difference either way... not in the way that Weiner lied... you lie in the way that condemns people... MY people... you mislead and manipulate and lead those who would push for revolution back into the calming womb of consumerist enslavement... FUCK You... FUCK YOU... You speak of morals and yet you sell out my entire nation to the highest bidder on the regular... the con men that own you decide our elections and we're left to pretend it's only Rupert Murdoch... if only he was all we had to worry about... but they're all Murdoch... YOU are all Murdoch... and if you are the moral compass for this world, then we're all fucked with our skirts on...

...touching sentiments... I'm sure we're all extremely moved... is this the part when we're all consumed with guilt and see the light and change our ways and dance off with you to steer the country into leftist-socialist-anarchy land??????

No, this is where you realize that you're story is long gone and all I've really been doing is keeping you fucking vultures distracted so my man could get out of the house for a while.

WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?

Burn in hell motherfuckers, Mayhem abounds!! MAYHEM ABOUNDS!!! ...now where the fuck's the F train???

Obama Selects Dempsey to Lead Joint Chiefs!!!/Ministry Selects Dempsey To Lead Joint Chiefs!!!/Defectors Defecate on Kahdaffy!!!/Shit Gets REAL!!!

2011-05-31T17:29:00.005-04:00

I've always really liked Patrick Dempsey. Not so much for the ER-meets-sex comedy he made his name on, but rather for his starring role in the lesser-known '89 sex comedy Lover Boy, in which Dempsey plays to perfection a horny college kid home for the summer who inadvertently becomes the hired stud for various rich middle-aged socialites through his job as a pizza delivery boy... easily my favorite premise in the history of film...

... ANYWAYS! I believe Dempsey to be the ideal selection to head the newly-formed Ministry bureau: The Joint Chiefs. The Ministry of General Mayhem has long supported marijuana-legalization worldwide and it is long overdue that we lend this vastly important issue its proper cabinet. Dempsey, as Spliffmaster General, will oversee The Ministry's crusade to bring an end to the War on Weed, do away with all high crimes and misdemeanors associated with the ganga and usher in a glorious new era of Cheba Free from sea to smoking sea!

President Obama, who constantly copies me, appointed HIS OWN Dempsey to HIS OWN Joint Chiefs yesterday afternoon.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

And so Obama rearranges his pieces across the game board yet again. Not that this is anything new. Robert Gates certainly wasn't new when he came in and news of his departure isn't either, as his exit was heralded long ago (by the mere fact that he was being more real than ever in press conferences). And the duet of Gates and outgoing Joint Chiefs Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen, a pairing which will be above-all remembered as the poster-couple for DADT repeal, is effectively a thing of the past. The only surprise came with Dempsey surpassing the more likely selection of Marine Gen. James Cartwright, due to inner squabbles he had with Gates and Mullen, but I don't really give a fuck about that shit, to tell you the truth.

So, Dempsey will succeed Mullen in September following the July appointment of Defense Secretary designate, and current CIA Director, Leon Panetta. Very fascinating dude Panetta. Brief stint in the military, 9-term California Democrat in The House, Clinton's Chief of Staff, then he takes over a decade off to protect underwater life while George Tenet was dunking Muslim heads underwater at Gitmo! Only to emerge in '09 CIA Director himself once it was time to get the Clinton band back together for Obama's cabinet.

There's little need for celebration or to stand on ceremony of any kind here. Especially for someone like me. It was long ago that our engagement (also known as THE RAMPANT BLOODY ILLEGAL OCCUPATION OF CARNAGE!!!) in Afghanistan officially met the definition of insanity. Now it's gone well beyond that, far off and away, deep into the outermost distant realms of madness.

And if one of the two could be considered worse than the other, then Iraq is definitely worse. And as Tom Ricks over at Foreign Policy points out "the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, the chief of the Army, and the chief of the CIA all will be people who commanded Army divisions in Iraq during that horrible first year, 2003-2004."

The chief of the army will of course be Odierno, while Panetta's CIA duties will pass to General Patreus. It sparks a particularly incendiary twinge in the upper right-most quadrant above my temple to see the dogs of the Iraq War ascending to these places of greater prominence over American military operations. In this trinity of Patreus, Odierno and Dempsey, it would be difficult to select the greatest disgrace amongst them, but speaking from pure guttural impulse it would unequivocally fall for me upon Odierno.

The undisputed architect of the 2007 Troop Surge and a year that saw the most horrendous loss of American lives than any other year of the conflict to date. Regardless of one's personal assessment of the military and the legitimacy (there is none) for the occupations of Iraq and Afghanistan, failure is failure, and however you measure it, Odierno meets all qualifications for that.

But failure is certain, in this 21st century warzone. Wars are no longer won, because wars are not declared. Human lives, bombs and resources are cast upon entire nations, not a firing line of defending soldiers in continuous military engagements until surrender is called for and victory is declared. This is the wearing down and wearing down of entire countries until the victor is not declared but simply steps in atop the wreckage, carve a throne from the debris and profit from the reconstruction of what was previously a self-determined nation. There is no war, not now, certainly not in Iraq, certainly not in Afghanistan.

And certainly not in fucking Libya.

As Gandalfi finds himself abandoned by more troops than Napoleon before the Battle of Dresden announcements of his impending surrender are sounding off near and far.

His buddy Musa Kusa bailed on him back in March, and while he vies for defectors status there is no doubt that he's nothing more than a gangster of the lowest order and if Libyan officials' assertions that he is now being held captive are true, he deserves no less.

But even his crimes can't compare to those of Katdoffy. But his ousting is all wrong, what began as a people's uprising akin to the so-called Arab Spring, has transformed into yet another ghastly foreign occupation of an oil-rich state under the guise of liberating an oppressed people. An oppressed people to be sure, and a people defecting in response to their ruler's oppression? Or defecting over... this?

Indeed, the next phase of worldwide occupation is no longer in its throes, but well-advanced, quite efficient and already nearly 2 weeks in violation of the War Powers Resolution of 1973. Ushered in with little fanfare it is well on its way, nearly crippling this leader, a bloated weak Botoxed narcissist has-been, in record time. How Libya will be carved up remains to be seen, as does what portion will be left for its people, who will only be able to sit and dream of whether or not they could have ever achieved what the Egyptians did, before the West sent rockets into their cities.

And as the old garde is promoted, acquitted or forever barking for endless war, I find no respite from this cycle from which all ill deeds continuously come. There is no safe solace high above it all in which any grand arbiter could cast condemnation upon the wrongdoers of the past without recognizing the new enemies slithering up in their stead. Ours is not an era granted the luxury of a nation run by just men, ours is an era of struggle to undo that which none have before, lest we all be condemned, and never separated from our enemies amongst us.

-

Jared W. Adams
Grand Minister for General Mayhem
Irving Bastion, Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY
May the 31st 2011
5:29 PM EST

Kim Kardashian Engaged... NOT To Grand Minister Adams!!!

2011-05-31T12:05:00.001-04:00

Business mogul, fashion icon, reality star, gay rights activist, and Ministry-supporter, Kim Kardashian confirmed her engagement to a basketball player on Friday. The celebrated celebutante is currently celebrating with her new fiancée in Monaco.

The announcement came as something of a surprise to the percentage of the public interested in such things, as the relationship was widely considered to be on-the-rocks after photos surfaced of Kardashian partying in Brooklyn with her longtime Booty Call, Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams. The two were spotted at a rooftop party in Bushwick in support of the UFT lawsuit against Bloomberg's sweeping budget cuts, also known as Maximum Havoc.

TMZ published the following photos mere days before the engagement was announced.

While Grand Minister Adams has yet to comment on these developments, The Ministry released an official statement via its Twitter Account yesterday wishing Kardashian well.

While these are admiral sentiments from The Ministry, as they are obviously taking an exceptionally diplomatic role over this situation, we here at The Mayhem Ministry Press wish to assure all Mayhemers that we think this latest development is COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED!!!?!!?!?!? HOW!?!?!?!?!?! HOW!!!!!!!!!?????????? HOW CAN THIS BE OVER!?!!??!?!?! WHAT WILL WE COVER NOW!!!!!????? WHAT!?!!?!??!? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

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TRANSITION - - - - :::::4 secs::::: - - - - - - - - - - ------------

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It was a romance born of Mayhem: random, illogical, heated, kinky and perplexing. The pairing confounded those in the far left liberal circles of radical activists that the Grand Minister moved in... and only FURTHER confounded those within the social circles of Kardashian.

Despite the young debutante's undeniable talent, public prominence, righteous advocacy work and ferocious sex appeal, the Grand Minister was widely said to have been originally drawn to the socialite because of her surname's semblance to that of an alien species from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Begun shortly following Kardashian's split from a football player, the on-again off-again affair came to public knowledge due to the integral role Kardashian played assisting The Ministry through The Great D3 Scandal of '09.

The two steadfastly downplayed any seriousness to their relationship. Despite countless public appearances, the raunchy photos revealed during the D3 Scandal... not to mention their sex tape... the two have maintained to this day that they are nothing more than "extremely close friends."

EXTREMELY close friends...

The duo (affectionately called Jardashian in the press) would go on to confidentially pursue other causes together and were seen in public more frequently than ever in the past year. Kardashian's confirmation of her engagement to the basketball player would seem to signal an end to her tumultuous, fiery dalliance with the young leftist upstart. Only time will tell, but it would seem that the most epic romance in The Ministry's history may finally be at an end...

- The Mayhem Ministry Press :(

Dr. Reskew's Memorial Day Address

2011-05-30T23:35:00.002-04:00

I think all of us should read this poem by Lawrence Vaincort in observance of Memorial day. I heard this on the radio and thought I would share.

- Dr. Elkan Reskew, Psy.D.
Surgeon General of Psychotic Analysis and Human Disservices
Albany, NY
May the 30h 2011
11:28 PM EST

JUST A COMMON SOLDIER
(A Soldier Died Today)
by A. Lawrence Vaincourt

He was getting old and paunchy and his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion, telling stories of the past.
Of a war that he had fought in and the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies; they were heroes, every one.

And tho' sometimes, to his neighbors, his tales became a joke,
All his Legion buddies listened, for they knew whereof he spoke.
But we'll hear his tales no longer for old Bill has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer, for a soldier died today.

He will not be mourned by many, just his children and his wife,
For he lived an ordinary and quite uneventful life.
Held a job and raised a family, quietly going his own way,
And the world won't note his passing, though a soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth, their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing and proclaim that they were great.
Papers tell their whole life stories, from the time that they were young,
But the passing of a soldier goes unnoticed and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution to the welfare of our land
A guy who breaks his promises and cons his fellow man?
Or the ordinary fellow who, in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his Country and offers up his life?

A politician's stipend and the style in which he lives
Are sometimes disproportionate to the service that he gives.
While the ordinary soldier, who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal and perhaps, a pension small.

It's so easy to forget them for it was so long ago,
That the old Bills of our Country went to battle, but we know
It was not the politicians, with their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom that our Country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger, with your enemies at hand,
Would you want a politician with his ever-shifting stand?
Or would you prefer a soldier, who has sworn to defend
His home, his kin and Country and would fight until the end?

He was just a common soldier and his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us we may need his like again.
For when countries are in conflict, then we find the soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles that the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor while he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage at the ending of his days.
Perhaps just a simple headline in a paper that would say,
Our Country is in mourning, for a soldier died today.

© 1987 A. Lawrence Vaincourt

Joplin

2011-05-24T04:15:00.003-04:00

"In our age of cable news where the "reporters" are free to to let their emotions run wild when the story is focused on political and cultural squabbles, they revert themselves to stoic, lifeless automatons whenever real tragedy of the most crushing loss occurs. It's done to inspire us to feel nothing when events beyond our control take place. It's done so we can shake our heads, maybe say "that's terrible" and go about our lives. Go about our lives as the faithful, docile, obedient consumers we've been trained to be. We need more reactions like that of this brave reporter. Not only to connect us in whatever small way to the suffering of our people, losing their lives, homes and livelihoods, but to in turn connect us to our fleeting humanity, lest we lose that in the storm as well."

- Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams

Obama Shitfaced @ Moneygall Beer Summit!!!

2011-05-23T15:25:00.009-04:00

President Obama arrived in Ireland today. He gave a speech on the greatness of Ireland and promised American assistance to Ireland's economic recovery. He visited Moneygall, where like one distant relative was from. Went to a few bars... as well as... uhhhhhh... well now... this is embarrassing... ummmmmm... what should we do??? ...there's... literally... NOTHING here... nothing!... should we.... do a retraction? ... or.... let's just make a statement.... or we could... WHAT THE FUCK!!?!!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK!!?!?!?!?!?!? WHY ARE YOU STILL TYPING!?!?!?!!? STOP!!!!!! STOP YOU DIPSHIT!!!!!!!!!!

.........................................................

We humble journalists of the legendary Mayhem Ministry Press est. 1906 sincerely apologize that this latest piece decidedly lacks the kind of brevity and pontification and readability that our Mayhemers have come to expect from the MMP. There really is nothing of substance to report here on this... event... The truth is that we were forced...ah... that is to say, strongly encouraged to produce some manner of piece on this due to the particularly relevant nature... that is to say, supremely righteous significance of the Emerald Isle with regard to both The Ministry's proud history and the Mayhem High Command's current administration. Ireland was the home country of the 1st Grand Minister for General Mayhem and is the country of origin for the Chief Communist Secretary General of Foreign Affairs with an Accent, Colum O'Connolly, and of course the ancestral home of the...uh... ancestors of Grand Minister Adams.

It is for these reasons... that is to say, OBVIOUS reasons that the story could not be overlooked... however minimal it's importance and pertinence to the national discourse and overall worldwide discussion as one would deem to be................

END TRANSMISSION

- Mayhem Ministry Press

Mayhem on Wall Street at UFT Labor March!!!/Grand Minister Leads With Sharpton & Mulgrew!!!/The Enemy Moves Against Us!!!/Mayhem on the March!!!

2011-05-20T19:15:00.005-04:00

In the wake of the dastardly announcement to cut over 6,000 NYC teaching jobs, made by billionaire beyond-term-limits New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg, the United Federation of Teachers organized a mass protest rally and marched over 20,000-deep on Wall Street. The march attracted the likes of teachers, students, anti-capitalists, anarchists, socialists and union workers.

Brooklyn resident and Grand Minister for General Mayhem, Jared W. Adams was in attendance at the rally and helped lead the march with UFT President Michael Mulgrew and the Rev. Al Sharpton. The Mayhem Ministry Press reporters pretended to be from The Nation so that the Grand Minister would talk to them. The GM was characteristically candid.

"This motherfucker (Bloomberg) shouldn't even be in office right now, so that's always my first thought when he fucks our shit up like this," the Grand Minister said when asked his thoughts on the Mayor's proposed cuts. "The people of this city demanded term limits during his last term and after first acknowledging those demands he proceeded to shit all over them and run anyway."

When asked again for his thoughts on the budget cuts the Grand Minister cited inconsistencies in the city budget and the corruption of high-ranking officials.

"We have a $3.2 Billion surplus in this city," Grand Minister Adams said. "This billionaire election-thief expects us to take his word for it when he says thousands of teachers need to get axed, while he grants safe haven to the corporate terrorists destroying our country. Obviously he and the bastards knew they'd need one of their own in office another term and here we see why. The people of New York won't stop fighting him, but he won't stop fighting us here either. Every New Yorker must remember this the next time someone from the private sector decides to run for our mayoral office."

The Grand Minister also talked about his discussion with UFT President Michael Mulgrew after the protest.

"He said that the city bigs didn't want the demonstration to roll but he set it off anyway," the Grand Minister said. "I asked him if the next march could be less orderly and under control and he said 'we gotta take them as they come, one day at a time.' I dig Mulgrew, I think the UFT's got the president it needs right now."

The Grand Minister also recalled a particular moment of clarity in the midst of the march, a sinister vision of that which he and all gathered were marching against; the beast presented itself to them in its physical worldly form.

"There was a moment, shortly after we passed Broad Street when I looked up above us and could see this outdoor bar, one floor up, overlooking the street. It was probably a half hour after the market had closed and up there I could see maybe four suits, cocktails in hand, all standing together in a gaggle, jeering and pointing and chortling between each guzzle, incessantly cackling up above the defiant uprising below. It felt like I was watching a crime unfold, a crime committed outside my reach that I could see but not stop. I don't think there's ever been, for me, a clearer representation of the enemy we face. Never a more vivid depiction of the divide."

Despite his renewed realization of the overwhelming crushing advantage of his opponent, the Grand Minister called the march a "splendid success" and provided him with a reinvigorating sense of purpose for The Ministry.

"This is the reason for The Ministry's existence," the Grand Minister said. "It was founded over a century ago for the sole purpose of fostering dissent and fanning the flames of discontent both domestically and abroad. I will never tire of the symphony of whistles, horns and chants that comprise the orchestra of unrest. This was a proud day for Mayhem."